Episode 1 · The GaS Digital / Ray Kump Era
Tim Dillon Is Going To Hell Premieres on GaS Digital
Jul 12, 2016 · 1:04:10 · 13 segments, 108 moments indexed
- 2 min
Cold Open: Dead Grandparents and GAS Digital Intro
#Tim opens by joking about his deceased Catholic grandparents not having to hear his hellbound intro, welcomes co-host Ray Kump, and brings in producer Dana amid audio issues.
4moments
- 0:00Tim opens by thanking God that both his Catholic grandparents are dead so they won't hear the show's intro.
- 0:51This is the first live episode of Tim Dillon on GAS Digital.
- 1:03Ray Kump introduced as Tim's co-host, when he can make it.
- 1:26Tim blames technical difficulties in the studio on Satan, given the show's apparent hellbound trajectory.
- 2 min
Tim pitches subscribing to the GAS Digital Network or his own show using promo code HELL, comparing his sales pitch style to selling subprime mortgages and joking that Jesus would sell subprime mortgages upon his return.
4moments
- 1:45Promo code HELL gets 15% off GAS Digital Network subscriptions, or $2.50 a month for Tim's show alone.
- 2:13Tim threatens to sit in subscribers' kitchens subprime-mortgage-style to explain why the deal is good.
- 2:29Tim spent five years selling subprime mortgages on Long Island as a young man, which he loved and believes Jesus would do when he returns.
- 3:02If anyone refuses the subscription deal, Tim will show up like a mortgage salesman to convince them it's a good investment.
GaS Digitalsubprime mortgagesLegion of SkanksLong Island
- 6 min
Ray's Wedding Photography and Morgue Days
#Tim and Ray discuss Ray's past jobs working at a morgue and a potato bread warehouse, then dive into stories about Ray's wedding photography gigs at trashy VFW and backyard weddings, a Great Neck bar mitzvah where he was called a 'schlepper,' and a childhood memory of siding with a rich woman abusing a waiter over a missing 'Maurice'.
11moments
- 4:02Ray Cump worked at a morgue and called it the best time of his life.
- 4:56Ray photographed weddings but stopped because he wasn't at the high upper echelon and swelled up.
- 5:08Tim describes Ray's wedding photography clients as fat couples getting married at places like the Sand Castle in Long Island.
- 5:28Ray has photographed VFW weddings and backyard weddings with sunburned fat people serving shellfish and warm potato salad.
- 5:53Tim argues that serving deli salads at weddings doesn't bode well for the marriage's future.
- 6:13Couples Ray photographs are always thrilled despite second marriages, existing children, and no hope of improvement.
- 6:41Ray says Jewish families won't hire him for weddings, and his boss in mortgages once refused to let him pitch to someone with the last name Cohen.
- 7:09At a bar mitzvah at the Great Neck Country Library, someone called Ray a schlepper and got into a confrontation with him.
- 7:31Tim claims poor people enjoy watching other poor people beaten and abused, then recalls a woman at a Massachusetts castle verbally abusing a waiter while Tim's father delighted in her cruelty.
- 8:18Tim says he's never sided with the downtrodden and has always sided with the rich, even in egregious examples.
- 8:31Tim's father said rich people who demand service from specific employees are the type who'd buy the place and fire someone personally.
- 2 min
Picking Bad Friends and the 4th of July Networking Rule
#Tim riffs on his lifelong habit of surrounding himself with low-level criminals, DJs, and personal trainers, then launches into his controversial Twitter take that 4th of July should be about being invited to a wealthier person's backyard rather than spending it with family.
7moments
- 8:52Tim comes from a long line of snake oil salesmen and describes himself as not a great salesman.
- 9:11Ray worked at the morgue as a photographer and would undress bodies—going above and beyond without overtime pay.
- 9:46Tim's theme for today: picking friends, which he's done badly his entire life.
- 9:58His friends are liars, selfish, and thieves, but they're not even competent at being immoral.
- 10:20His Long Island friends are DJs, personal trainers, drug dealers, and most have sold human growth hormone at some point.
- 10:42Tim emphasizes that successful people surround themselves with the right people—he has not done this.
- 10:56Tim received flack for a Fourth of July tweet about the holiday weekend.
- 5 min
Not Invited: Ray's Water Bottle and the Jewelry Designer Snub
#Ray tells a story about being explicitly excluded from his boss's 50th birthday party, and Tim roasts Ray mercilessly for refilling a crumbled water bottle in restaurant bathrooms as evidence of why people don't invite him places.
10moments
- 11:31Fourth of July is a networking holiday that shows where you stand—your boss should invite you if you're succeeding, not stuck eating warm potato salad with family.
- 12:29The goal is to be on a boat; if your friends are invited and you're not, you've failed at the firm and need to figure out why.
- 13:26Tim worked for a jewelry designer named Dick Israeli in his early twenties who threw a 50th birthday party.
- 13:55The shop manager pulled Tim aside to explicitly tell him he wasn't invited—he was the only employee excluded.
- 14:18The jewelry designer had a reputation for being a colossal asshole.
- 14:31Tim explains why Ray wasn't invited to the birthday party: he carries a crumpled water bottle he refills in restaurant bathrooms.
- 15:05At a Hamptons gathering, Ray would walk in and refill this pathetic water bottle like he was in a FEMA camp.
- 15:32Having to crumble the bottle to fit it in the sink is a sign you're on the precipice of disaster.
- 15:48Ray defends constant hydration because he sweats profusely and needs to maintain skin tone.
- 16:05Staying hydrated is good for your skin, according to Ray's reasoning.
Dick IsraeliTimJDillon
- 10 min
Hillary Clinton, Whitewater, and the Clinton Crime Family
#Tim and Ray discuss Hillary Clinton's loyal network of aides, dig into the Whitewater investigation and a memory-loss supercut of Clinton associates, and connect it to Bernie Sanders' endorsement of Hillary and his supporters being sold out.
10moments
- 16:26Tim on Hillary Clinton: she's an old crook, part of a crime family like the Bushes, and has built a loyal network of criminals around her.
- 16:55Clinton Foundation foreign donations and private email server used as a slush fund for foreign despots seeking influence with the Secretary of State.
- 17:56Sidney Blumenthal example: unable to be hired by State Department, so sent Hillary emails pitching Libya business deals after toppling Gaddafi.
- 19:05Whitewater investigation clip shows witnesses closer to the Clintons suffered sudden memory loss, while career government employees had clear recollection.
- 20:51Susan and Jim McDougall owned a bank and got the Clintons into shady real estate investments when Clinton was Arkansas Attorney General with no money.
- 22:05Clinton inner circle maintained loyalty over 20 years: Dick Morris defected, but Stephanopoulos and others stayed and continue promoting her message.
- 22:51Bernie Sanders endorsed Hillary Clinton after getting a convention amendment for $15 minimum wage, selling out his Brooklyn vegan supporters.
- 23:41Bernie constituency consists of economically ignorant people who moved into Bushwick gentrifying formerly Black and Hispanic neighborhoods to go to drink-and-draw events.
- 24:50People tweeting about police brutality against Black people while avoiding real protest—getting arrested is the actual requirement for activism.
- 25:39Bernie Sanders whipped people into a frenzy and delivered them straight to Hillary Clinton, the most Wall Street friendly candidate in recent memory.
Hillary Rodham ClintonClinton FoundationBernie SandersBill ClintonHuma AbidinDick MorrisSidney BlumenthalWhitewater+6 more
- 3 min
Bushwick Bernie Bros and the Illuminati Waiting on Robots
#Tim mocks gentrifying Bushwick 'revolutionaries' who never actually get arrested at protests, riffs on penis size unfairness as a metaphor for inequality, jokes about robots replacing minimum wage workers, and complains about pretentious Bushwick restaurant food.
7moments
- 25:50Bernie Sanders got the minimum wage thing, but raising it will just accelerate McDonald's and other chains introducing kiosks and robots instead.
- 26:30Tim theorizes the illuminati are waiting for robots to get better before they execute their plan to rule the world.
- 26:57Sanders voters in Bushwick restaurants are on their phones and ignore you when you want to order a cheeseburger.
- 27:09Every restaurant in Bushwick looks like an abandoned warehouse with the same menu: pork belly, kale, sriracha—everything disgusting.
- 27:34A bastardized version of chicken and waffles for $19 made by a skinny white chick from Ohio who doesn't know soul food.
- 27:44Amy Ruth's in Harlem has real chicken and waffles, including a dish called the Al Sharpton with mac and cheese.
- 28:06Hillary's email controversy damaged her trust numbers enough to shrink her lead over Trump to just 2 percent.
- 6 min
Hillary's Guilty Email Press Conference and the Saudi Dance Video
#Tim plays and reacts to Hillary Clinton's email press conference clip line by line, calling her visibly guilty, then plays a bizarre video of George W. Bush dancing with a sword in Saudi Arabia as a symbol of American complicity with corrupt regimes.
9moments
- 28:45Tim plays Hillary Clinton's email press conference, noting her guilty appearance and scripted demeanor.
- 29:17Hillary claims she used personal email for convenience, which Tim finds implausible given she was denied a personal BlackBerry by the Obama administration.
- 30:22Tim compares Hillary's defensive posture to what an accused spouse looks like when confronted with cheating allegations.
- 31:50Tim imagines Hillary's internal monologue: frustration that people are investigating emails when she's gotten away with far worse crimes.
- 32:19The email handling represents callous disregard for national security and the law, treated as irrelevant by the powerful.
- 32:38Tim pivots to a Saudi Arabia dance video as media counterbalance to Clinton criticism.
- 33:10Video shows President Bush dancing at a Saudi Arabian event while the regime beheads people and remains likely complicit in 9-11.
- 33:42Tim expresses exasperation at crime families in power and pledges to do the right thing at his own level.
- 33:53Tim concludes his rant about systemic corruption and the futility of individual integrity against institutional criminality.
Hillary ClintonSaudi ArabiaPresident BushThe ClintonsBarack ObamaSydney Blumenthal
- 8 min
The Mr. Ortega GoFundMe Disaster
#Tim recounts trying to do a good deed by setting up a GoFundMe for an elderly neighbor, Mr. Ortega, whose stolen fan and microwave needed replacing, only for the effort to spiral into accusations that Ortega tried to lure his friend Molly in for 'soda,' with nobody sure where the money or appliances ended up.
11moments
- 34:05Tim visits a friend's apartment and spots a flyer about Mr. Ortega, who had a microwave and air conditioner stolen by social services' own negligence.
- 34:45Tim proposes starting a GoFundMe for Mr. Ortega and pitches the story to Huffington Post for coverage.
- 35:41Tim is furious the GoFundMe never got media coverage despite raising $400 in two days.
- 36:41Matt Ott sets the fundraising goal too low at $600, and Tim argues they need more to get Mr. Ortega a decent microwave.
- 37:42The plan falls apart when Mr. Ortega allegedly makes an inappropriate advance toward Molly, inviting her inside for a soda.
- 39:10Tim concludes that trying to do the right thing for people inevitably backfires and leaves you getting screwed.
- 40:29A real estate developer friend tells Tim the entire building will be bulldozed with Mr. Ortega inside, making the donations moot.
- 40:41Tim suspects either Molly or Mr. Ortega took the air conditioner and microwave, and he doesn't know what happened to the money.
- 41:13Tim argues he needed Huffington Post coverage to justify his own cut of the $400, or the whole thing looks like a grift.
- 42:05Tim decides Molly may have stolen the items or the money, shifting suspicion from Mr. Ortega to his supposed partner in charity.
- 42:17Someone in this whole thing fucked Tim, and he's vowing to confront Ariana Huffington if they ever meet.
Mr. OrtegaHuffington PostMatt OttMolly
- 3 min
Trump's Barking Dog Ad and Hillary as 'Back Office' Con Artist
#Tim describes a Trump campaign ad where a trained dog barks at Hillary's false statements, riffs on the absurdity of the 2016 election circus, and analyzes Hillary as the 'back office' operator of the Clinton con versus Bill's front-of-house charisma.
6moments
- 42:26Trump's new ad features Hillary Clinton barking like a dog.
- 42:50Tim notes that the 2016 election itself has become funnier than any comedy about it—an absurd circus where Trump is impossible to parody.
- 43:36The ad claims the Great Recession was caused by too much regulation on Wall Street—a claim Tim finds absurd.
- 44:12Tim proposes using a trained dog to bark every time Republicans make false claims, as a way to cut through their rhetoric.
- 44:51Hillary's attempt at performing a Black spiritual is worse than her dog ad—she's simply not good at being the public face.
- 45:18Hillary Clinton is a back-office operator, not a frontman; she thrives making backroom deals and greasing palms, which is why she's effective in the Senate but struggles with public performance.
Hillary ClintonDonald TrumpBen CarsonWall Streetdefense contractorsthe Great Recession
- 7 min
The Countrywide Commercial and No-Doc Mortgage Insanity
#Tim and Ray dissect an old Countrywide mortgage commercial bragging about approving unqualified borrowers, then break down stated-income and no-doc loans, explaining how the mortgage industry gamed the Community Reinvestment Act and inflated everyone's approvals during the housing bubble.
10moments
- 47:00Countrywide was one of the biggest and most famous cons in financial history, featured in The Big Short.
- 47:28A Countrywide commercial identifies three people who were denied loans elsewhere, then approved by Countrywide.
- 48:26Tim's version: Countrywide fabricates W-2s on a computer and doesn't care because they'll sell the debt to the government.
- 49:00Self-employed business owners with hard-to-document income were a key part of the lending crisis.
- 49:48You could state your own income in no-doc loans with zero verification.
- 50:29No-doc loans required nothing: no W-2s, no 1099s, just a license and the bank hands you money.
- 50:52Banks lowered standards to qualify people who shouldn't have been homebuyers, partly due to Community Reinvestment Act pressure.
- 52:01No-doc loans carried higher interest rates, so lenders made more money on riskier borrowers.
- 52:34Tim recalls calling borrowers whose Escalade payments exceeded their stated monthly income, then approving them anyway.
- 52:48The mortgage bubble will happen again and should happen again.
CountrywideBill ClintonCommunity Reinvestment Actmortgage industry
- 10 min
Ray's Worst Mortgage Deals: Dying Fathers, Cat Hoarders, and Howie's Fake APR
#Ray shares his most morally troubling mortgage stories: an Alzheimer's patient's son signing for him during a closing, an elderly Bronx couple with 18 dying cats who held out for more money and lost everything, and a shady colleague named Howie who lied to clients about what APR meant.
14moments
- 53:16Ray describes a dying father who wanted to extract home equity to open a car wash in Miami while coked out.
- 53:35At closing, the Alzheimer's-afflicted elderly man didn't know where he was; his son kept grabbing his hand to sign the papers.
- 54:24The closing attorney expressed discomfort and warned this would come back to haunt them, but Ray told him to get back inside.
- 55:11Ray admits the father was going to die and his son would take the money regardless—it was going to happen with somebody else anyway.
- 55:46The Hooks, an elderly white couple living a block from Monifure Medical Center with 18 dying cats and a fly strip in the kitchen.
- 56:07The veteran husband lit himself on fire; his wife offered to sign anything without reading documents.
- 56:35Monifure offered the Hooks a million dollars for the house, but they held out for more money.
- 57:17Ray couldn't close the deal because the house was deemed unlendable due to fire damage and other problems.
- 58:01Both Hooks died within two years after Monifure dropped their offer to $250,000.
- 58:57Howie was a shady closing facilitator who told buyers to ignore fees and meet him on the front lawn before closings.
- 59:51When asked what APR meant, Howie claimed it stood for "average person rate" and told buyers their rate was better than average.
- 1:00:26Ray's firm hired a sandwich delivery kid from Sue Johns Deli to sell mortgages after he said he spoke Spanish.
- 1:01:14The 24-year-old company owner used to sell ecstasy until his attorney told him he'd face jail time under Rockefeller laws.
- 1:02:02Ray entered the mortgage business in 2005-2006 but stayed through 2009-2010, working government loans after the crash with all the fun gone.
HowieFannie MaeFreddie MacThe HooksSue Johns DeliMonifure Medical CenterAtlantic CityBrooklyn+2 more
- 2 min
Sign Off: Embrace the Cons and Killers
#Tim wraps the episode promising future guests and election segments, tells offended listeners not to email him, and closes by blessing the Saudis, George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, and the Illuminati before signing off.
5moments
- 1:02:34Tim announces the show will feature guests debating morality and discussing why he's wrong, though he doubts he'll be persuaded.
- 1:02:56Upcoming segments will cover election topics and highlight scams and cons that the show genuinely appreciates.
- 1:03:07Tim tells moral objectors not to email complaints because he'll delete them—the world is full of evil and they should accept it.
- 1:03:30Without evil there would be no value in good, and without bad people the world wouldn't be worthwhile.
- 1:03:49Tim closes by blessing the Saudis, George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, the Illuminati, and all cons, killers, and thieves before signing off.