Episode 334 · Post-Ben
The Tim Dillon Show #334
Feb 5, 2023 · 51:50 · 435,000 views · 19 segments, 93 moments indexed
Tim shares his thoughts on Armie Hammer’s first interview post scandal, the Chinese spy balloon, a possessed Pennsylvania girl who abdicated the throne and he laments the butter controversy ravaging his homeland.
Watch on YouTubeDiscuss on Reddit
- 1 min
Quick rundown of tour city names and dilloncomedy.com before the show proper begins.
1moment
- Tour dates announced: Raleigh, Tucson, Phoenix, Monterey, Vancouver, Napa, Oklahoma City, Palm Beach, Inglewood, Huntington, New Brunswick
- 5 min
Defending Armie Hammer's Cannibalism Fetish
#Tim opens by arguing Armie Hammer's alleged rape scandal is really just an extreme, misunderstood fetish about eating people, riffing on how Hammer's extreme attractiveness has left him bored with normal sex and craving cannibalistic fantasy.
8moments
- Tim explains why he never understood the Armie Hammer controversy, since the cannibalism fantasies were just fetish material between consenting adults.
- If Hammer's cannibalism interest stayed in the realm of fantasy with no actual violence, Tim questions why people are kink-shaming him for it.
- Tim's theory: Hammer is so attractive that normal sex stopped being interesting around age 17, so he needs the cannibalism fantasy to stay aroused.
- Hammer has already done every conventional fantasy—beaches, private jets, orgies with women from every race—so eating someone is now the only thing that gets him off.
- Tim proposes reading the actual DMs Hammer sent to see if they're as bad as claimed, then reviewing his apology.
- Authorities investigated but couldn't conclusively prove rape charges, so Tim remains skeptical about the severity of the allegations.
- Tim jokes about sending the "be my property" message to a Postmates driver as a prank, noting it only becomes offensive if sent to a Black woman.
- Reading Hammer's fantasy about cutting off a toe and keeping it in his pocket—Tim finds the message sexually arousing while simultaneously confused by his own reaction.
- 2 min
He reads Hammer's disturbing DMs about wanting to eat, own, and cut people, then covers the Page Lorenz allegation that Hammer carved the letter A near her vagina and proposed eating her rib.
4moments
- Tim admits he's cut the heart out of a living animal before and eaten it.
- Tim imagined Hammer's messages were joking around—'I want to eat you, I want to put you in a smoothie'—until reading the actual texts.
- Hammer carved the letter A near Paige Lorenz's vagina with a knife, licked the wound, and told her he wanted to eat one of her ribs.
- Lorenz didn't think he was serious until he brought it up multiple times and other women came forward with the same claims.
Paige LorenzArmie Hammer
- 3 min
A Modest Proposal: Paying Families to Eat Corpses
#Riffing further, Tim proposes a system where wealthy people like Hammer could legally pay grieving families to consume their dead relatives, and revisits more details of the abuse allegations.
4moments
- Tim proposes a system where wealthy people like Armie Hammer could pay families of deceased relatives for permission to eat their corpses.
- Would it be crazy if Armie Hammer could approach a grieving family, cover funeral expenses, offer $150,000, and ask to consume their dead daughter's body?
- Tim argues that Armie Hammer's extreme attractiveness explains how he was able to carve letters into women's skin and beat their feet without them leaving him.
- Tim considers throwing the full support and platform of his show behind Armie Hammer despite the allegations that he carved things into people and claims to have eaten animal hearts.
Armie Hammercannibalism
- 2 min
He reads about Hammer's suicide attempt in the Cayman Islands, his massive financial losses, and his fall from stardom to selling timeshares.
4moments
- Armie Hammer attempted suicide in the Cayman Islands, swimming out into the ocean hoping to drown, be hit by a boat, or eaten by a shark before remembering his kids were on shore.
- Tim breaks down Hammer's financial collapse: lost 14 to 16 million dollars, removed from multiple projects, now massively in debt and needing friends to buy groceries.
- The required redemption lie—Hammer claims he wouldn't change anything about the experience, the standard claim people make to seem like they've learned something.
- Tim recaps Hammer's fall from grace: former Hollywood megastar and beloved industry figure reduced to selling timeshares on an island after being outed as a cannibal and rapist.
- 1 min
Tim mocks Hammer's public statement that he wouldn't change anything and that the scandal made him a better father, framing it as classic post-scandal PR spin.
4moments
- Armie Hammer claims being outed as a cannibal made him a better father.
- Tim imagines what Hammer would actually wish for if a genie offered one wish.
- The real problem: Hammer's honesty about his desires is what actually destroyed him.
- Hammer can never be honest again because honesty became his worst enemy.
- 2 min
Honesty Ruined Him, and the Magic Lamp Wish
#Continuing on Hammer, Tim argues his radical honesty about his fetishes destroyed his career and speculates on the 'magic lamp' quote where Hammer says he wouldn't undo the scandal.
5moments
- Honesty about unconventional desires ruined this person's life, and now he'll never be honest again about anything.
- Tim explains that intrusive thoughts about attractions don't disappear—therapy might help, but the kinks remain.
- Armie Hammer on the magic lamp wish: offered a genie to undo the last two years, he says he wouldn't take it.
- Tim notes Hammer claims he's now grateful for everything, which sounds like a publicist-arranged comeback narrative.
- This public confession of lessons learned is what a comeback looks like—otherwise he'd just quietly learn in private.
- 1 min
A brief interruption where Tim takes a call from his Aunt Carol thanking her for birthday wishes.
2moments
- Tim answers a phone call from Aunt Carol and greets her
- Tim tells her he forgives her for something
- 1 min
Sponsor read for Keeps, covering hair loss statistics and the service's personalized treatment plans, doctor access, and free first month offer.
2moments
- Tim claims everyone he knows uses Keeps and all the bald people he knows now have hair because of it.
- Treatment plans come with a full year of unlimited messaging with a medical provider about anything anytime.
- 2 min
Hammer's AA-Style Gratitude and the 'Rape Dicks' Idea
#Tim reads more of Hammer's recovery-speak quoting the 12 and 12, questions whether any of it is genuine, and recalls wanting to start a true-crime show called 'Rape Dicks' with Louis J. Gomez.
4moments
- Hammer says pain is the touchstone of spiritual progress according to AA literature, and he's now grateful for everything that happened to him.
- Tim doubts Hammer's gratitude claim, noting best case scenario would be not having any of that happen and recovering privately instead.
- Tim discusses the rape allegation Hammer is going through and brings up a similar open mic rape claim involving Luis J. Gomez.
- Luis proposed doing a show called 'Rape Dicks' where they'd investigate rape claims, but the idea never happened because advertisers wouldn't support it.
- 4 min
Leo DiCaprio's Age-Gap Girlfriend Defense
#Tim pivots to defending Leonardo DiCaprio's relationship with a much younger Israeli model, joking about what an older 'hag' alternative would look like and mocking the idea that Leo has a deep personality.
6moments
- Tim defends Leo DiCaprio dating a 24-year-old by noting everything was consensual, then pivots to the current 19-year-old girlfriend
- He argues against the age-gap criticism by asking whether people would prefer Leo date an older woman—imagining a divorced New York VP with three kids
- Tim claims Leo operates on a different planet from ordinary people and jokes that he allegedly brings women over with headphones on
- He reframes the relationship as Leo finally finding someone he actually cares about after years of casual encounters
- Tim notes the girlfriend looks 14 and is an Israeli model, then speculates she probably discusses serious topics while Leo may wear headphones
- He defends the relationship as legal and consensual, then notes that while he knows old women who are fun, Leo probably doesn't have a personality himself to relate to anyone with
- 1 min
Back to Hammer, Tim reads his claim that the alleged rape was actually a pre-planned consensual non-consent BDSM scene, and notes over 100 people have accused Hammer of coercion.
5moments
- Armie Hammer's defense: the alleged rape was entirely her idea, planned down to which Starbucks and how he'd follow her home.
- Hammer claims they engaged in what's called 'consensual non-consent,' with every detail discussed beforehand.
- He insists he never thrust this on someone unexpectedly and that consent is crucial in BDSM because you're pushing envelopes beyond standard sex.
- The accuser's legal team maintains there are 100-plus people Hammer has coerced into sexual acts.
- Tim pivots away from Hammer coverage because there's a Chinese spy balloon in America demanding attention instead.
- 4 min
Tim reacts to the Chinese spy balloon shot down over South Carolina, joking that it seems too cartoonish for real Chinese espionage and speculating it might actually be a fake balloon created by the US to manufacture a new Cold War narrative.
8moments
- Tim describes the spy balloon story as cartoonish, like a 90s or early 2000s movie plot.
- If China is sophisticated with corporate espionage and embedded spies, why are they sending a hot air balloon to spy on Montana?
- Biden praises the F-22 pilot who shot down the balloon with a single missile after the FAA closed airspace around three airports.
- Tim wonders if he should be less worried about China now that they're apparently doing frat-prank level surveillance operations.
- Tim predicts the balloon will turn out to be American, created by the defense department to manufacture a cold war conflict as Ukraine winds down.
- The defense department supposedly brainstormed putting up a fake balloon over Montana, claiming it's Chinese, and shooting it down for a news cycle win.
- Biden can't ban TikTok, so staging a fake spy balloon incident and shooting it down is a way to appear tough on China.
- Tim expresses disappointment that China would resort to sending balloons if this is genuinely what they're doing.
- 8 min
Tim covers a real news story of a Pennsylvania family murder-suicide pact tied to QAnon beliefs, playing and reacting to unsettling YouTube footage of the daughter Morgan speaking in a strange British accent about 'the kingdom,' framing it as demonic possession.
8moments
- Pennsylvania family with mother, father, and daughter made a suicide pact and actually followed through with it.
- The family were Trump fans and possibly into QAnon, believed their daughter was possessed by evil spirits.
- Daughter Morgan posted a creepy YouTube video speaking in a fake British accent about kingdoms and claiming to be someone else.
- Bowling pro shop owner Brett Stably said Morgan was quiet but intelligent, became more sociable as she aged.
- Police found notes indicating a joint family decision to end their lives; mother shot father, daughter shot mother, then herself.
- Tim jokes families should do this because the real estate market is tanking and it would be a clean slate.
- Daughter's YouTube video apparently shows personality switches and what Tim believes is demonic possession.
- Tim imagines the parents' perspective: if their child starts speaking in a British accent about kingdoms, you have to kill them.
MorganDonald TrumpPennsylvaniaBarack ObamaWendy Rogers
- 1 min
More Riffing on the Family Suicide Video
#Continued reactions to and playback of the daughter's bizarre video, with Tim joking about the parents deciding to eliminate the problem and imagining their dinner-table conversation.
3moments
- About 10 to 15 percent of the population is genuinely insane, speaking incoherently like they're not making sense.
- Tim: 'I'm usually against family suicide packs but this one I completely support—it was probably long overdue.'
- People are coming after Kerrygold butter, a great Irish butter that's very yellow and gamey, made by white people.
Kerrygold butter
- 5 min
Tim defends Irish culture and Kerrygold butter after California hazardous chemical packaging laws pulled it from shelves, riffing extensively on Ireland having nothing but butter, priests, and alcoholism, before circling back to defend Armie Hammer once more.
9moments
- The Bay Area has no respect for the Irish, who have nothing but story, song, and natural beauty.
- Kerrygold butter is Ireland's main export, their entire economy.
- California's new hazardous chemicals law removed Kerrygold from store shelves over foil packaging.
- Irish people are just trying to stay above water and make enough butter to survive.
- Ireland is a beautiful, sad place where you drink tea, watch rain on cliffs, and think about killing yourself.
- San Francisco has zombie people in post-apocalyptic conditions while worrying about butter packaging hazards.
- Everyone in Ireland was raped by priests and drinks constantly to cope with it; the ones who aren't drunk make butter.
- Kerrygold announced they're reformulating packaging to comply with California's January 2023 regulatory changes.
- Tim demands California put the butter back on shelves to let Irish people live and compares it to Armie Hammer's situation.
Kerry GoldArmie HammerIrelandCliffs of MoherBay Area
- 5 min
Tim covers LA councilman Hugo Soto-Martinez, who pushed to abolish police but had his staff call LAPD to guard his broken-down Lexus, launching into how hypocrisy never actually damages anyone in America.
8moments
- LA councilman Hugo Soto-Martinez, who advocated to abolish police, had a staffer call LAPD requesting extra patrols for his parked Lexus when it broke down.
- Tim notes the pattern: activists who push defund-the-police eventually call cops themselves and create embarrassing contradictions.
- Hypocrisy charges don't actually work in America because most successful people are hypocrites and everyone knows it instinctively.
- The real goal of success is to become wealthy enough to be a hypocrite—to publicly advocate for conditions you personally escape through money.
- Money buys your way out of crime, bad neighborhoods, predatory landlords, and legal vulnerability in ways that poor people can't access.
- In Hollywood everyone operates on hypocrisy: celebrities claim to care about climate change while taking private jets because the alternative—admitting they don't care—would be in poor taste.
- Tim suggests Leo DiCaprio would look ridiculous flying commercial, so he has no choice but to take private jets while publicly promoting environmental causes.
- Charges like racist or homophobic actually land with people, but calling someone a hypocrite generates no response—people dismiss it as irrelevant.
Hugo Soto MartinezLeonardo DiCaprio
- 4 min
Hypocrisy as America's National Religion
#An extended riff arguing that hypocrisy is the true American ideal, using Leo DiCaprio's private jet environmentalism and general political double standards as examples of how words never match actions in the US.
7moments
- Tim argues America's national dream is to become a hypocrite who can escape from people.
- Climate solutions require public transportation and shared spaces, but people want isolation in their own cars.
- Hypocrisy is America's foundational ideal—saying one thing and doing another, from foreign policy to domestic promises.
- Most Americans care about air conditioning, couches, beer, drugs, and boats—not principles.
- Hypocrisy is America's national religion: invade countries, kill civilians, then wonder why they dislike us.
- The nepo baby conversation doesn't bother Tim; talent runs in families and genes get passed down.
- Tim credits Bobby the Brain Heenan as his father figure in the entertainment business.
Bobby The Brain Heenan
- 1 min
Tim briefly closes the episode thanking listeners.
1moment
- Tim thanks everyone for listening and signs off the episode