Episode 412 · The Studio Revamp
The Joker 2 & Kamala Harris | The Tim Dillon Show #412
Oct 12, 2024 · 1:10:00 · 690,000 views · 19 segments, 106 moments indexed
Tim talks about his role in a blockbuster disaster, Vice President Harris, the Menendez brothers, Vermont, shopping during a hurricane and what is in P. Diddy’s suitcase.
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- 1 min
Banned from Cutting the Apple Store Line
#Tim opens by complaining about being refused a spot at the front of an Apple Store repair line despite claiming his cracked phone screen was 'damaged on October 7th,' escalating an absurd bit about heroics in Israel with Tim Walz at the Nova festival.
3moments
- Tim claims he was banned from cutting the line at the Apple Store in the World Trade Center because his phone was damaged on October 7th.
- He insists the timing of when he damaged the phone doesn't matter, only that it was broken during October 7th while he was saving people in Israel.
- Tim says he was at the Nova Music Festival with Governor Tim Walz on October 7th when his phone was damaged.
- 16 min
Being in the Worst Movie Ever Made: Joker 2
#Tim tells an extended story about his small role as a prison guard in Joker: Folie à Deux, describing the on-set lunches, Joaquin Phoenix's bizarre musical performances, Lady Gaga's irrelevance, walking out of his own scene, and imagining the honest phone call his agents should have given him about being in the biggest Hollywood bomb of the year.
18moments
- Tim sat with other actors on Joker 2 wondering how bad it would be, watching Joaquin Phoenix sing and do jazz hands.
- He calls Joker 2 probably the worst film ever made, arguably the worst film ever on a screen.
- The first Joker worked because it captured nihilism and anger in the culture; this one is such a joyless slog.
- Lady Gaga is not a good actress, Tim states, saying he's obligated to be honest even if it damages him in the business.
- Tim suggests Todd Phillips could be making an October 7th musical next, which would at least have music and make more sense.
- Gaga is irrelevant now; A Star Is Born was ten years ago and she's been replaced by Chapel Roan as the gay trans icon.
- Joaquin is a brilliant actor but they had him trying to be Fred Astaire, which was a big mistake.
- Tim describes the Arkham Asylum set recreated on the Universal lot with great craft services and expensive lunches that got cheaper as filming continued.
- He had a quick scene he missed entirely because he was texting on his phone about how bad the movie is.
- Being in the biggest Hollywood bomb of the year is not nothing—Tim is proud to be involved in a massive big-budget blowout failure.
- Tim does a bit joking that if you need a movie to have a plot, you're a loser, and if you don't like musicals you hate women and trans people.
- The whole disaster happened because of hubris; Tim suggested immediately firing Lady Gaga multiple times at the pasta truck.
- The whole entertainment business is fake and pretend; this $300 million film is just a waste that's on screen.
- His agent promised being in Joker 2 would be a big deal and open doors, but the only door it opened was people walking out of the Laguna Beach theater.
- When you have an agency, seven or eight people with names like Josh and Jonah call you when something good happens, and they're all just Gremlins.
- The movie earned the worst CinemaScore of all time for a comic book studio movie.
- Tim imagines what the real call should have been: admitting upfront it would be the worst film ever made, with a prison guard suit that makes him look fatter.
- Despite knowing it would be the worst film ever made, Tim would have been grateful and thanked them, hoping maybe it would be the third worst instead.
Lady GagaJoker 2Joaquin PhoenixWarner BrothersKamala HarrisChappell RoanRyan MurphyWendy's+8 more
- 1 min
The Menendez Brothers Ryan Murphy Show Complaints
#Brief riff on the real Menendez brothers being upset about how Ryan Murphy's dramatization sexualized their story, and a joke about angering Murphy's people by trashing the show.
2moments
- Tim liked Dahmer and American Horror Story but isn't sure about the Menendez series.
- Ryan Murphy is making artistic liberties to make the show more sensational.
- 12 min
Tim watches and reacts to Kamala Harris's 60 Minutes interview, comparing her to an unprepared student who never studied, riffing on her 'small business' talking points, mocking the idea of quaint small towns, joking about Congressional blackmail via sex tapes, and ending on her stilted answer about owning a Glock.
11moments
- Tim compares Kamala Harris not preparing for the presidency to a student called on without opening the textbook.
- Harris half-assing it on the largest stage is what makes her endearing to him.
- She refuses to study; she will not open the book.
- Politicians talking about small businesses they don't actually care about is absurd.
- Today's small businesses include drug trafficking and human smuggling.
- The quaint small towns everyone romanticizes barely exist; most have roving bands of children and abandoned malls.
- Drive to any supposedly cute small town and you'll find shifty pedophiles and gangs of migrants.
- Harris doesn't care what the question is because she knows she won't actually be president.
- When Harris says Congress members 'know exactly what I'm talking about,' she's essentially describing blackmail.
- Harris saying she owns a Glock is like John Kerry asking for Swiss cheese on a Philly cheesesteak.
- Her law enforcement background explanation for owning a Glock falls flat.
Kamala Harrissmall businessessmall townsDiddyJoe BidenTim WalzJohn KerryTodd Phillips+1 more
- 1 min
- 1 min
Sponsor read for BlueChew's chewable erectile dysfunction medication with a promo code and free trial offer.
2moments
- Tim pitches Blue Chew to listeners, claiming there's nothing wrong with having it on deck even if you don't think you need it.
- The postman joke about packages arriving—Tim notes it never gets old.
- 2 min
Reacting to a news story about a Vermont town shutting down a road to stop influencers taking fall foliage pictures, Tim mocks the outrage over tourists and suggests locals should just shoot people blocking their driveways.
6moments
- Vermont preemptively shuts down road to keep influencers from taking fall foliage pictures.
- People go to Vermont for the foliage—manslaughter or foliage are the only two reasons anyone ends up there.
- Locals complain influencers block traffic and trespass in driveways to get perfect shots, but Tim argues this is what happens in the influencer era.
- Tim points out nobody's taking photos in Gary and Indiana, implying Vermont's problem is at least a sign of desirability.
- He defends the seasonal influx as probably pumping money into the local economy and asks what else Vermont has going on.
- Tim jokes that if influencers pulling into driveways is truly a problem, residents should shoot them.
Vermont9/11 MemorialGary and Diana
- 5 min
Tim discusses Hurricane Milton bearing down on Florida, riffing extensively on an official warning that shelters won't have 'sit-down eating,' imagining hurricane victims demanding a table for three and a maître d'.
11moments
- Tim was on a plane and got a good deal on a jet
- During Hurricane Milton preparations, officials announced there would be no sit-down eating at shelters
- Tim plays video of shelter capacity and capacity being limited during the hurricane
- Tim jokes that shelters will be at casual restaurants like Applebee's, Steak 'n Shake, and Outback
- The official announcement states there will not be sit-down eating at shelters
- Tim imagines officials having to explain to Floridians that shelters won't offer sit-down dining with bread service and appetizers
- Tim pictures people arriving at shelters asking for tables, expecting full restaurant service after their houses are destroyed
- Officials say it's a natural disaster, not Thanksgiving, so there won't be sit-down eating
- Tim performs as an angry shelter resident demanding to know why there's no sit-down service and no waiters or maître d'
- A and B evacuation zones are cleared, but Tim's friends are in the C zone and he's unsure if that's enough safety
- Tim's web guy is still in Tampa and Tim hopes he's found floating, then clarifies he's joking
- 4 min
Diddy's Jet and the Dripping Suitcase
#Tim recounts a flight attendant's story about chartering a jet identical to Diddy's, finding a suitcase leaking baby oil and poppers, calling Diddy 'the black Epstein' and joking about her divided loyalty in gossiping about him versus Tim's own alleged charcuterie complaints.
6moments
- Tim recalls meeting a flight attendant who worked on Diddy's jet and tells a story she shared with him.
- The attendant describes finding a suitcase on Diddy's plane that started dripping when she lifted it.
- The suitcase contained lube, poppers, baby oil, and dirty towels.
- Tim compares Diddy to black Epstein; the attendant agrees and mentions he was always nice to her.
- The attendant describes witnessing Diddy close himself in the back of the plane with other people during a flight.
- Tim jokes that the attendant will only say nice things about him to other celebrities, unlike how she complained about his charcuterie platter.
DiddyTitan AviationFriend of the show
- 4 min
Actors Are Empty Vessels: The Menendez Brothers Press Tour
#Tim argues actors are hollow people who should never be allowed to speak unscripted, then plays and mocks clips of the actors from the Ryan Murphy Menendez Brothers show gushing about how 'inspiring' the real killers are.
8moments
- Actors should never be allowed to speak.
- Tim has had lunch with actors and found there is nothing there.
- The old Hollywood system worked because publicists shut actors up—now the inmates run the asylum.
- When Timothée Chalamet tried to make a point about Palestine, his team would shush him and tell him to sing.
- Actors' agents and managers wake up wondering what their client is doing on Instagram live trying to make nuanced points about the Middle East.
- The actors visiting incarcerated people discovered the inmates came from dysfunctional families—of course they did.
- The Menendez brothers shot their parents to death, but actors are praising them as kind and inspiring people.
- Tim notes UC Irvine isn't even a good school to brag about after committing murder.
actorsMenendez brothersTimothée ChalametUC IrvineRyan Murphy
- 1 min
Sponsor read for ShipStation's e-commerce shipping and fulfillment platform with a promo code offer.
2moments
- ShipStation is the way to achieve incredible efficiency on your e-commerce business.
- Don't worry about the back office—let ShipStation handle shipping while you focus on lead generation, sales, and product development.
- 1 min
Sponsor read for Kalshi, the legal prediction market platform, describing betting on elections, Oscars, and other events.
1moment
- Tim proposes potential Kalshi markets: what day the American Empire will crumble and whether his Netflix special will overtake Love is Blind.
- 1 min
Sponsor read for Morgan & Morgan personal injury law firm, including a riff on a woman's IHOP hot coffee lawsuit win.
2moments
- Tim predicts people are going to start getting injured and they'll need a personal injury lawyer.
- Morgan & Morgan won an $8.2 million case against a Florida IHOP and got a woman $3 million for a hot coffee burn.
- 3 min
Doing Bari Weiss's Debate Show and Mayorkas Shopping During a Hurricane
#Tim mentions agreeing to open for Bari Weiss's Symphony Space debate for free, then pivots into mocking Alejandro Mayorkas for reportedly shopping for outfits at Sid Mashburn instead of managing the hurricane response, framing government crisis response as pure 'show business.'
6moments
- Tim agrees to perform 10-12 minutes of stand-up at Bari Weiss's debate show with Matt Taibbi and Brett Stephens for free after she said she couldn't afford him.
- Money you give to the government won't come back—people should get GoFundMe's ready instead of expecting FEMA aid.
- Tim spotted Alejandro Mayorkas shopping for outfits at Sid Mashburn on a Saturday afternoon during a hurricane, suggesting he's not working.
- Mayorkas buying tailored golf shirts and khakis while people are dying—he's dressing for the disaster like he's preparing a costume for performance.
- This is Mayorkas's moment like Fauci had with the pandemic; he gets new clothes and goes out to tell people nothing will be done, it's all show business.
- Tim's grandmother lost her house in Hurricane Sandy and it took two years to rebuild; he hopes this hurricane doesn't make landfall as a category five.
Alejandro MayorkasBari WeissFEMAHurricane SandyBrett StephensMatt Taibbi
- 8 min
Singing Disney Lyrics as Fake Middle East Opinions
#Tim delivers an extended bit demonstrating 'the art of the non-statement,' showing how to fake having an informed opinion on the Israel-Iran conflict by reciting Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin lyrics slowly and gravely at family gatherings.
11moments
- Tim demonstrates the art of the non-statement, saying nothing beautifully about Middle East conflict.
- He delivers a vague monologue about hatred, violence, and fear-based irrational behavior meant for holiday dinner conversations.
- Tim suggests singing Beauty and the Beast lyrics very slowly can pass as genuine Middle East commentary.
- He performs Beauty and the Beast as a response to October 7th anniversary questions, embedding Disney lyrics as fake geopolitical analysis.
- Memorizing Beauty and the Beast becomes a strategy for dodging Middle East questions at holiday gatherings.
- Tim advises leaving out the song title so people won't immediately recognize the lyrics.
- He theorizes Disney purposefully wrote songs to discuss the Israeli situation because most people lack detailed knowledge.
- A Whole New World from Aladdin also works as fake Middle East commentary, though he notes it's a bit racist.
- Tim demonstrates readiness to deploy Disney lyrics on demand, calling himself a Jedi mind reader.
- Two-word non-statements like Out of Control and Not Cool work just as well, leading to a story about his father's response to conflict.
- His father simply says Not good about the Middle East and continues eating, which Tim defends as reasonable for a 70-year-old Long Island boomer.
Beauty and the BeastMiddle East conflictIranKamala HarrisIsraelThe Killing Roads
- 1 min
Dad's 'Not Good' and Creating an Opportunity Economy
#Riff on his father's stock reaction of 'not good' to any serious news, expanding into a bit where 'small businesses are the backbone of our economy' and 'creating an opportunity economy' become nonsense phrases that can answer literally anything.
3moments
- Tim is tired of the economy of nonsense where everyone has to have a passionate opinion on everything.
- His new strategy: claim he's creating an opportunity economy and lowering taxes on the middle class, no matter what the actual topic is.
- You gave me chlamydia—small businesses are the backbone of our economy, a response that works for any accusation.
- 1 min
Plugging This Is Your Country on Netflix
#Tim promotes his Netflix show This Is Your Country, defending it against claims it's fake by imagining how much better/crazier it would have been if scripted, including a January 6th affair storyline.
4moments
- Tim plugs This Is Your Country on Netflix, describing it as a recreation of a trash '90s daytime talk show.
- He explains what he would have actually scripted if the show were fake, contrasting his restraint with how much better it could have been.
- Tim recalls finding real people and topics for the show, including a story about a husband at January 6th who was actually just cheating.
- The dream episode concepts that didn't make it: a sugar daddy cutting off an EBT card, and the January 6th infidelity story.
This Is Your CountryJanuary 6Fatty boom batty
- 1 min
Tim runs through upcoming tour stops including Orlando, Pickering Casino in Ontario, Des Plaines, Chicago, Miami, Austin, Oxnard, and Omaha.
3moments
- Tim announces tour dates across Orlando, Ontario, Illinois, and other cities.
- Chicago's Rivers venue in Des Plaines is his favorite place to do comedy, though he's uncertain how far away it actually is.
- Comedy Mothership in Austin sold out; Oxnard show might get quietly canceled because it's a dump.
- 3 min
Closing Riff: Joker 2 as Universal Consensus
#Tim closes by declaring Joker 2 a rare unifying cultural touchstone, arguing that no matter people's politics everyone agrees the film is the biggest piece of garbage ever made, ending the show on that shared hatred.
6moments
- Tim argues that cultural consensus is rare and valuable—Joker 2 is one of the only things everyone agrees on, and it's universally reviled.
- Anyone who says nice things about the movie gets ratioed and attacked online, making it nearly impossible to defend.
- Tim compares the loss of consensus to why politicians can't go to diners anymore without causing pandemonium over small gestures like eating a french fry.
- Joker 2 brought America together across political divides—Trump voters, Harris voters, and everyone in between all agree the film is a disaster.
- The movie represents an unmitigated failure and waste of time, money, and talent that should end everyone's career involved in it.
- Shared hatred of Joker 2 is the last thing Americans have left to unite them—old and young, gay and straight, rich and poor all despise it equally.
Joker 2Tim WalzBari WeissLady GagaDonald TrumpJill SteinKamala Harris