Episode 346 · Post-Ben
Nugget Branding | The Tim Dillon Show #346
May 14, 2023 · 1:05:47 · 435,000 views · 18 segments, 112 moments indexed
Tim explains why everyone deserves what’s left of the American dream, analyzes a fast food lawsuit and hopes to befriend Twitter’s new CEO.
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- 2 min
Cold Open: Britney Spears Needs to Go Back In
#Tim opens riffing on Britney Spears, arguing her father's conservatorship was justified and that more people should be put in conservatorships, comparing her to a drunk girl from Long Island.
4moments
- Britney Spears has got to go back in.
- Tim argues that parents know their children, and any parent locking their child up isn't doing it by accident.
- The conservatorship model worked well for Britney—Tim suggests putting more people in conservatorships instead.
- Her father clearly knew better than she did about what was good for her.
- 5 min
Britney's Tell-All Documentary and Mickey Mouse Club Abuse Theory
#He speculates a new Britney documentary will expose celebrities who abused her at the Mickey Mouse Club, then riffs on his own life as an "ex-gay cocaine addict" comedian, his old coke dealer Albert, and the quality of his cocaine.
9moments
- Tim describes Britney Spears' current state as resembling a drunk Long Island woman neglecting her kids.
- Celebrities worry Britney's upcoming tell-all documentary will expose sexual misconduct and abuse at the Mickey Mouse Club.
- Tim speculates that people involved in her early career are concerned she'll discuss inappropriate backstage behavior during her time as a Mouseketeer.
- Tim theorizes Britney likely experienced substantial abuse—sexual, physical, or verbal—between her Mouseketeer days and now.
- Not all child actors end up like him: well-adjusted, successful, and functional.
- Tim describes his own outcome as an ex-gay cocaine addict with controversial political opinions rather than the quiet finance guy his parents might have preferred.
- Tim knew a cocaine dealer named Albert, an immigrant, whose yellow-tinged product was superior to overly white street cocaine cut with filler.
- Tim claims he no longer uses cocaine and has natural energy protected by his chakra, invoking Marianne Williamson.
- Tim loses track of his point about Britney Spears' abuse while discussing Albert's immigration status.
Britney SpearsMickey Mouse ClubMary Ann Williamson
- 5 min
Border Crisis, Kamala's Word Salad, and His Mother's Coconut Tree Sayings
#Tim pivots to the migrant crisis, governors shipping migrants around as a political football, then riffs extensively on Kamala Harris's "coconut tree" word salad and compares her to a demented aunt with folksy nonsense sayings.
10moments
- Tim on undocumented drug dealers: they should at least be selling good drugs, a better class of product.
- The border described as spring break with no fun—people just running around Texas with no destination.
- Someone corrected him for using the word 'migrant,' insisting it's not the right term.
- Governors shipping migrants around like a political football—DeSantis to Martha's Vineyard, others to DC and New York.
- Tim imagines what it would be like to be a migrant coming from total desperation.
- The economic cost of absorbing the number of immigrants America has taken in is genuinely significant.
- Thirty migrants sent to Kamala Harris's house—Tim speculates they'd want to return home after hearing her speak.
- Kamala word salad: 'Freedom is freeing for you, for all. Thus, in the way that I believe today, we can make a better union strong.'
- His mother's recurring saying: 'You think you just fell out of a coconut tree?'—delivered with dementia-aunt energy about context and existence.
- Tim would respond to border questions by quoting his mother's nonsensical sayings instead of actual policy.
Britney SpearsKamala HarrisRon DeSantisEric Adamsmigration and border policyMartha's VineyardKevin Spacey
- 1 min
- 1 min
Tim reads a sponsor spot for Babbel, the language learning app, pitching it for travelers and giving a discount code at babbel.com/TIM.
1moment
- Tim jokes that Italians will think you're fat on culture if you don't learn the language before visiting Italy.
- 2 min
Would Jesus Be a Twitter Loser? and the El Paso Priest's Salsa Reputation
#Tim wonders if Jesus would be an annoying activist on Twitter today, then reacts to a priest's statement about migrants living up to El Paso's "reputation," joking that El Paso is really just known for making salsa.
6moments
- Tim questions whether priests claiming Jesus would support migrant policies are actually representing Jesus's views correctly.
- If Jesus were alive today, he'd probably be a total loser on Twitter spouting annoying progressive takes.
- Everyone who claims to love Jesus now would actually hate him if he showed up today as an activist.
- Bishop Mark introduces himself with grandiose rhetoric about the human family.
- Tim argues he's allowed to refuse migrants if he refuses his own family members, turning the priest's logic back on him.
- The absurdity of an actual long-lost family member showing up and expecting to move in uninvited.
- 4 min
Imaginary Long-Lost Migrant Family Showing Up at His Door
#He does an extended imagined phone-call bit about long-lost relatives and 30 migrants showing up at his house, riffing on a freeloading friend who left pasta in his fridge, before returning to mock the priest's shelter announcement and comparing it to the church's history of abuse.
9moments
- Tim's imaginary scenario: a long-lost cousin shows up claiming to be family and wants to stay.
- The cousin arrives with 30 Central American migrants expecting to move in.
- They left plain pasta in the refrigerator with no sauce, just excess carbohydrates.
- A priest claims El Paso must live up to its reputation of welcoming migrants.
- Tim notes El Paso's actual reputation is Old El Paso salsa, not taking in migrants.
- Tim imagines the economic argument: bring migrants in to make salsa, seem more authentic, split the profits with the church.
- The priest pitches migrants as labor to handle household tasks and free up rich people for donations and abuse fund contributions.
- Tim questions why the priest isn't opening shelters for broke Americans in El Paso who've needed help for years.
- Tim challenges where the priest's energy for helping disadvantaged Black Americans is, suggesting it only appears when cameras are on.
El PasoOld El PasoFather Mark
- 3 min
The Party Metaphor: Immigration, Nazis, and Wealth Inequality
#Tim closes out the immigration segment with an extended metaphor comparing the country to an overcrowded party where too many guests cause disorder that Nazis exploit, then argues both parties demagogue immigration to avoid discussing wealth inequality and healthcare.
6moments
- Tim mocks the El Paso Ministry's pivot from child abuse allegations to shelter announcements when cameras arrive.
- Tim argues the country cannot keep flooding with people when there's nowhere to put them, and they're being used as a political football.
- Tim compares immigration policy to a full party: you don't keep inviting kids from ten other schools when people are already fighting and throwing up.
- Eventually Nazis show up at the party and tell people the only way to safeguard it is to let only white people in.
- When you push back that Hispanic and Black people make the party better, they say there are just too many of them.
- The metaphor culminates: the smoke machine malfunctions, a white guy offers to lead you to another room, and that room is full of pictures of Hitler.
immigrationEl Paso Ministry of Rape
- 9 min
The Airport Kentucky Fried Chicken Fantasy: An American Dream Saga
#In an extended fictional narrative, Tim imagines an undocumented family whose son is molested by a drug counselor, becomes a cocaine kingpin and child trafficker after DeSantis's E-Verify law costs him his construction job, and eventually becomes a congressman — framing it as "the American dream."
13moments
- Tim on disorientation leading to people wanting to identify by race instead of class or merit.
- Both right and left wing demagogue immigration to avoid explaining wealth inequality and lack of healthcare, education, and retirement security.
- The airport Kentucky Fried Chicken is what's left of America for people who aren't wealthy.
- People eat greasy fried chicken before flights back to the Caribbean, touching plane seats with their greasy fingers afterward.
- Tim's vision: everyone should have access to laser tag, drug addiction recovery programs, and the American experience.
- The fantasy includes an undocumented son getting sober with help from Fat Jennifer, a weird ex-alcoholic who runs a drug program but also owns a bar.
- Jennifer, the drug counselor, becomes pregnant with the 16-year-old's child; the parent consents to avoid prosecution because a baby might keep him sober.
- Ron DeSantis's E-Verify policy forces the son out of construction work, leading him back to drinking.
- With no legal options, the son starts selling drugs and actually succeeds, buying a new bathroom for the house.
- The son builds a cocaine empire, killing young street runners to prevent them from ratting, and eventually launders money with business owners and politicians.
- The son becomes a human trafficker, pimping out the children selling cocaine to business leaders and politicians.
- The son runs for Congress, gets elected, and becomes a congressman built entirely on drug trafficking, human trafficking, and the bodies of the poor—the full American dream.
- Tim wants every immigrant to have the chance to become a drug dealer, human trafficker, and congressman, because that is the actual American fucking dream.
- 1 min
- 1 min
Tim reads a sponsor spot for ShipStation, an e-commerce shipping platform, promoting discounted rates and a free trial with code TIMDILLON.
3moments
- Tim advises that e-commerce businesses should focus on originating business, not shipping logistics.
- ShipStation offers up to 84% off USPS and UPS rates and handles all backend order fulfillment.
- 98% of companies using ShipStation for a year become lifetime customers.
- 8 min
Tim dives into a news story about a McDonald's chicken nugget burning a girl's leg and McDonald's being found liable, building an elaborate theory that the mother deliberately heated the nugget with a lighter to burn her autistic daughter for a lawsuit payout.
10moments
- McDonald's found liable for hot chicken McNugget that fell from Happy Meal and burned girl in South Carolina.
- Tim on the appeal of a good scam or con in America.
- Tim theorizes the mother deliberately heated a nugget and pressed it against her daughter's leg to stage an injury.
- Tim imagines the mother's internal monologue while preparing to burn her daughter with a hot nugget.
- Tim describes what getting ahead in Florida now requires: lighting a nugget on a lighter until it's so hot you can't touch it.
- Tim argues that if a child simply grabbed a nugget from the bag, she'd only burn her fingers, not her leg.
- When Tim goes to McDonald's, he uses nuggets as filler between other items, and they always require opening and selecting individually.
- The defense claims the daughter got excited about the toy and dumped the entire Happy Meal on herself.
- Tim's final theory: the mother either brought a pre-heated nugget from home or torched one in the car to the point where it could cause a second-degree burn.
- The autistic daughter never testified, which Tim notes is convenient because she could have exposed the mother's scheme.
McDonald'sUpchurch FoodsFort Lauderdale, FloridaSouth Carolina
- 7 min
He compares the case to the classic McDonald's hot coffee lawsuit and a mozzarella stick choking death, then continues the bit imagining the mother as a serial fast-food-injury scammer using her daughter for insurance-style paydays.
10moments
- McDonald's defense strategy on nugget temperature—arguing 160 degrees instead of 200—is terrible.
- Stella Liebeck's hot coffee lawsuit from the early 1990s was divided along political lines, with liberals siding with her and conservatives saying it's just hot coffee.
- McDonald's removed mozzarella sticks from the menu because a kid died choking on one, which Tim believes actually happened.
- Charlotte Pape, 17, choked on a mozzarella stick after having a diabetic seizure outside a McDonald's in Wales—a situation unrelated to the food itself.
- The hot nugget got stuck between the seatbelt and the child's skin for more than two minutes, the reason for the severe burns.
- Tim sketches out the mother's hypothetical reasoning: burning her autistic child with a nugget to sue McDonald's for money.
- The mother supposedly spent the night thinking of ways to get money without killing her daughter, like a modern Munchausen case.
- Tim imagines the conversation between the mother and her man: what could happen at McDonald's that would make them money without ruining the daughter's life?
- Tim wants immigrants to eventually think about burning their children with McNuggets to get ahead financially, as proof of American assimilation.
- His final vision: an immigrant woman calculating how to burn her autistic daughter with a McNugget to come out ahead in the world.
McDonald'sCasey AnthonyCharlotte PapeBritney SpearsStella Liebeck
- 6 min
Age-Gating Worries and the Nugget-Girl Bit's Escalating Absurdity
#Tim worries the platform will age-gate the episode for the nugget material, complains about YouTube versus audio audiences, then escalates the bit with the mother claiming her daughter was also mutilated by a Burger King French toast stick and gang-raped at a Wawa.
10moments
- Tim's bit about pressing a hot nugget on his autistic daughter's leg as a form of discipline.
- A nugget flies out of a girl's bag in Tim's car and gets stuck between her leg and the seatbelt, causing a second-degree burn.
- Tim imagines the lawsuit payout allowing the mother to buy a nice car while the traumatized daughter sits silently in the back seat.
- Tim claims he doesn't judge the mother for potentially burning her child with a nugget, framing it as a desperate measure.
- Escalating the bit: the autistic girl suffers a series of maiming incidents at different fast food restaurants, like losing her eye to a French toast stick.
- Tim describes the pattern as Munchausen's by proxy but with fast food instead of medical abuse.
- Tim worries about YouTube age-gating the segment and expresses confusion about platform censorship standards.
- Tim mentions Louis CK suggested he create a private sign-in system for the show's listeners.
- Tim acknowledges he literally said he'd burn an autistic child with a McNugget, justifying it as exploring a desperate mother's perspective.
- The bit concludes with Tim riffing on a lawsuit scenario where the mother falsely claims her daughter was raped in a bathroom.
Burger KingMcDonald'sPollo TropicalLouis C.K.RumbleRoger StoneSteve Bannon
- 2 min
Tim runs through upcoming live show dates including Denver, Las Vegas, San Francisco, Chicago, Milwaukee, Funner CA, and Pennsylvania, and briefly mentions a forthcoming book and movie projects.
5moments
- Tour dates: Denver Comedy Works in Greenwood Village July 27-29, Las Vegas Wynn Encore Theater July 22, San Francisco Masonic July 17, Chicago Theater nearly sold out, Milwaukee Pabst Theater.
- Tim initially made fun of the Funner, California casino date but changed his mind after reading his contract and now calls it the greatest thing in the world.
- Casinos talk to each other, so fans should attend the Funner gig—the opposite of Kamala Harris's "don't come" message.
- Charleston and Hershey shows with Shane and Nick and Jay are doing great; Parks and Casino in Ben Sill, Pennsylvania on September 8th and 9th.
- Tim announces a book is in the works that he's been writing and is very excited about, with more details coming.
Denver Comedy WorksChicago TheaterPabst TheaterComedy Works SouthParks and CasinoWynnFunner, CaliforniaGreenwood Village, Colorado+6 more
- 4 min
Begging Linda Yaccarino for a Twitter Show, Italian Impression
#Tim jokes about threatening to move the show to Twitter/X if YouTube keeps restricting him, doing an exaggerated Italian-stereotype riff on CEO Linda Yaccarino and floating a Tucker Carlson lead-in slot.
7moments
- Tim begs Linda Yaccarino to help him, launching into an Italian impression and insults.
- If YouTube keeps fucking with him, he'll move the show to Twitter with Linda Yaccarino.
- Italian running Twitter now has made the character limit into yelling via ocarina.
- His Italian impression is becoming like a demonic malfunctioning doll.
- Linda Yaccarino understands Italian food culture—antipasti, focaccia, rigatoni, meatballs, garlic bread.
- Tucker leading into a Tim Dillon late-night show on Twitter would be prime time broadcasting.
- Tim says he should push for the late night show on Twitter, maybe they won't fuck with him if he puts good vibes out there.
- 3 min
Dropping Migrants Off at Brooke and Connor's Studio
#Tim imagines dropping 30 migrants at influencers Brooke and Connor's studio for a clueless "migrant town hall," then riffs on an idea for influencers giving migrants tours of LA, including Tana Mongeau teaching a migrant woman to sell nude photos.
8moments
- Migrants need better vibes, not the depressed energy of getting off buses holding towels.
- Tim proposes dropping 30 migrants at Brooke and Connor's studio and offers to pay for it personally.
- Connor and Brooke's imagined reaction to migrants showing up at their studio, confused about geography.
- One migrant has only one shoe, which Tim frames as a chill detail.
- A migrant town hall hosted by Brooke and Connor explaining how America works to the migrants.
- Iran comparison: it's healthy and expensive but super chill.
- Influencers taking migrants around LA as a TV show idea, showing them what life is about.
- Tana Mongeau teaching a migrant woman how to monetize her body through photos and social media.
Tana MongeauBrooke and ConnorLinda Yaccarino
- 1 min
Tim closes the show with a final plug for TimDillonComedy.com tickets, joking he'll have to burn his daughter with nuggets for money if he gets removed from the internet, then says goodnight.
1moment
- Tim says if they take him off the internet for making fun of Italian heritage, he'll have to burn his daughter with nuggets to get by