Episode 326 · Post-Ben
Love and Lizards | The Tim Dillon Show #326
Dec 11, 2022 · 57:32 · 365,000 views · 21 segments, 127 moments indexed
In this episode Tim rants about Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle and their new Netflix Series, Taylor Swift's new upcoming movie, and Karen Bass (The Mayor of Los Angeles) Moving homeless people for her inauguration.
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- 1 min
Holiday Greetings Cold Open
#Tim opens the show wishing everyone happy holidays with a joke about Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and the winter solstice.
2moments
- Tim offers holiday greetings to viewers celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or the winter solstice.
- He claims Kwanzaa and the winter solstice are what he and his family celebrate.
- 3 min
Harry & Megan Netflix Doc: Initial Reactions
#Tim discusses the newly released Harry & Meghan Netflix documentary, describing his skepticism about Meghan Markle's claim she didn't know she was meeting the queen and calling it a red flag.
8moments
- Tim receives email recommending the Harry and Meghan Netflix documentary
- Tim explains his initial negative opinion of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle
- Tim describes himself as a good judge of character because he doesn't deal in extremes unless making a funny point
- Meghan Markle's sympathetic elements in the documentary: caught between worlds as a mixed-race woman entering the royal family
- Documentary reveals little tells throughout that something is off about Meghan's character
- Beginning of documentary shows her setting boundaries when Harry was late to their first meeting at Wimbledon
- Meghan claims she didn't know she was meeting the Queen and thought Harry's curtsy instruction was a joke
- Tim expresses disbelief that Meghan didn't know she'd have to curtsy in front of the Queen of England
- 3 min
Nobody Gets Famous By Accident
#Tim argues Meghan Markle knew exactly what she was getting into with Prince Harry given her age and awareness of the royal family's history, including the death of Princess Diana and the British press's brutality.
6moments
- Nobody accidentally dates the Prince of Sussex or whatever title applies.
- Tim estimates Meghan Markle is around his age, 30 to 41 or older.
- Her documentary claim of being unprepared for media scrutiny doesn't hold up given what she knew about Diana.
- Tim deflects accusations that criticism of Meghan is racial by comparing it to claiming he faces daily discrimination for being gay.
- Prince Harry is an inbred guy doing conservation work in Africa rather than anything meaningful for Britain.
- Britain sends its least important royals to Africa to study things like rhinoceros irrigation systems.
- 2 min
Prince Harry the Conservationist Freak
#Tim riffs on Prince Harry being sent to Africa for conservation work, calling him inbred and out of place, and jokes about the royal family being reptilian vampire overlords who feed off negative energy.
4moments
- Tim explains his issue isn't the racism allegations but that the Netflix documentary costs a hundred million dollars and still doesn't clarify what actually happened.
- He suspects Meghan orchestrated the whole thing as a calculated move to get rich and famous in Montecito.
- Tim theorizes Harry has no idea what's going on and that Meghan manipulates him by telling stories about his family calling her slurs at night.
- The British royal family are inbred reptilians who feed off negative energy generated by death, pillage, droughts, and floods to sustain their power.
- 4 min
Meghan Markle Ran a Scam, and Kudos to Her
#Tim compares the royal family to Hollywood actors, argues Meghan Markle successfully extracted Harry and $100 million from the family in a calculated play, and says he actually respects her for it.
8moments
- Royal family are vampire freaks who watch cooking shows and eat orphans, but they stay out of controversial topics unlike modern celebrities.
- Tim says there's something nice about the royals' old-school tradition of not getting political.
- Meghan Markle is similar to the royals—she's constantly curating her image the way all mediocre actors do.
- In her documentary, Markle claims she was always the smart one, but stopped playing that angle once she became hot and became an actress instead.
- Tim respects Markle because she ran a high-level scam and separated Harry from his family for $100 million.
- Even his own wife Leanne agrees with Tim's take on Markle, going yes yes yes when he ranted about it.
- The real shock is the paparazzi and media firestorm around Harry—the most eligible bachelor in the world marrying into this situation.
- Tim wants to watch the trailer before commenting further, but he's confident he's right about Markle's scam.
- 3 min
Trailer Reaction: The Bird That Walks
#Tim watches and reacts to the official Harry & Meghan trailer clip, riffing on Harry's odd African bird story and mocking the framing of a 'war against Meghan.'
6moments
- Tim describes the trailer's plot: a woman in Africa feeding a pig a salad, then marrying into the Royal Family and facing racism in the castle.
- A bird that walks—not a penguin, but an African bird that stands upright on two legs.
- Tim defends Meghan Markle: if there was a war against her, she won, because a Hollywood actress has more advantage than the Royal Family monsters.
- The documentary frames the pain and suffering of women marrying into the Royal institution, presenting it as a terrifying Frenzy.
- Tim argues that Meghan should have known the Royal Family was racist—they invented racism and colonialism, so what was she shocked about?
- Something feels off about her narrative; it plays like a scam or a game rather than a straightforward account.
- 3 min
Harry's Real Father Theory
#Tim brings up the rumor that Prince Harry's biological father is James Hewitt, Princess Diana's former lover, not Prince Charles, comparing the resemblance to the OJ/Chloe reveal.
6moments
- Tim questions the Royal Family's alleged comment about Meghan's baby's skin tone, skeptical it actually happened.
- Prince Harry likely isn't Prince Charles's biological son—Diana had an affair with her dance instructor.
- Googling "Harry's real father" immediately produces results comparing him to James Hewitt, Diana's former lover.
- Tim argues Harry doesn't resemble Charles at all but bears a striking resemblance to Hewitt instead.
- Family secrets and dishonesty about his parentage might explain why Harry left the Royal Family.
- The physical similarity between Hewitt and Harry is described as uncanny, with the red hair being a dead giveaway.
Prince HarryJames HewittPrincess DianaPrince Charles
- 4 min
The Netflix Money Play Explained
#Tim lays out his theory that Meghan and Harry needed a manufactured scandal to justify leaving the royal family, since neither had significant personal wealth, and Netflix provided the payout via the Oprah interview and racism narrative.
7moments
- Meghan Markle claimed shock at press interest when dating a famous prince, despite it being obvious.
- Tim thinks Meghan planned an exit strategy to leave the UK and become famous in the US instead.
- William and Kate might be jealous of Harry and Meghan's life in warm, pool-side Montecito versus rainy England.
- The couple needed a scandal to leave the royal family because that's where the money is.
- Netflix offered them a deal after Meghan orchestrated a massive racial scandal to justify their resignation.
- Tim describes their production company's anti-racist cartoon concept as the kind of thing nobody actually wants to watch.
- If Harry and Meghan want to make real money in America now, they need to start making racist programming instead.
Meghan MarkleNetflixWilliam and KateOprah Winfrey
- 2 min
Tim reads a sponsor ad for ShipStation, describing its e-commerce shipping management features and a free 60-day trial with promo code Tim Dillon.
4moments
- Tim pitches ShipStation as a service that handles back-office shipping needs for online sellers during the holiday rush.
- Two months free trial available with promo code—Tim emphasizes the stress relief during peak season.
- Tim claims major companies like Wolfgang Puck and Sock Club use ShipStation.
- Final call with promo code details: ShipStation.com with code Tim Dillon for a sixty-day trial.
- 3 min
Tim reads box office numbers showing prestige films like Armageddon Time, Tár, and Devotion are massively underperforming, and jokes about Emmett Till's story not being a 'fun summer film.'
7moments
- Hollywood's prestige films are spending heavily but tanking at the box office, with movies like Licorice Pizza and Nightmare Alley failing to draw audiences.
- Armageddon Time cost $30 million to make but collected only $1.9 million at the North American box office.
- Devotion cost over $100 million and has generated only $14 million in ticket sales.
- People aren't going to the box office anymore—they're watching films on streaming at home and studios can't measure success without box office numbers.
- Some of these prestige movies are just sad, like dramas about Stephen Spielberg's life with Paul Franklin Dano.
- Till, focused on Mamie Till Mobley whose son Emmett Till was murdered in 1955, collected $8.9 million in the U.S. and Canada.
- These emotionally challenging films deal with hard topics and aren't designed to be fun—nobody wants to take the family to see Emmett Till get lynched as a summer outing.
HollywoodEmmett TillArmageddon TimeDevotionTarMamie Till MobleyLicorice PizzaNightmare Alley+3 more
- 2 min
Tim reads an ad for Athletic Greens, touting gut health, energy, immune support, and a free vitamin D offer with purchase.
5moments
- Tim endorses Athletic Greens as a solution for gut problems caused by sugar and processed food.
- Athletic Greens contains 75 vitamins, minerals, superfoods, probiotics, and adaptogens to support multiple body systems.
- Tim claims people taking Athletic Greens have won Olympic gold medals, starting as "fat slobs" before the product transformed them.
- Athletic Greens offers a free year's supply of vitamin D and five travel packs with first purchase at athleticgreens.com/TimDillon.
- The company donated 1.2 million meals to kids in 2020 and continues donating for every purchase made.
- 6 min
Taylor Swift's Directorial Debut
#Tim jokes about Taylor Swift being tapped to direct a feature film for Searchlight Pictures, inventing absurd fake plot premises before noting nobody actually knows what the film will be about.
11moments
- Taylor Swift is making a feature directorial debut for Searchlight Pictures, and Tim is shocked they're letting her do it.
- Tim jokes about the film's plot: Taylor playing a plantation owner's daughter who teaches a slave to read and play guitar.
- He pivots to a series of false premises—Taylor as a Nazi's wife, then comparing it to The Sound of Music, then as Leah Thomas in a comedy called 'Don't Look at My Finn.'
- Tim speculates on actual scenarios: maybe she plays Casey Anthony in a red-state revenge fantasy, or a Ukrainian woman who poisons Putin for blue states.
- He predicts the film will be a sweet summer movie where Taylor is mad at a guy in Nashville with a big soundtrack.
- Tim argues that anyone with an audience like Taylor's will get tapped to direct, regardless of filmmaking knowledge, turning it into a two-hour Taylor Swift song about her romantic grievances.
- The real issue, he says, is that people have given up—they'll hand Doja Cat a film nobody can understand because she has an audience, so why not let Taylor do whatever.
- Tim acknowledges Searchlight's recent successes like The Menu and Banshees of Inisherin, then notes they're now releasing Taylor's ode to being stood up at a dance.
- He complains about the current crop of serious films featuring menopausal white women conductors and accomplishing things, saying audiences are tired of it.
- Taylor's film will probably work because she's liked by both sides and culture war watchers, likely ending up as a goofy country rom-com, though Tim doubts it'll be good.
- Tim admits he can't imagine it'll be good, though he's not certain what it will be.
Taylor SwiftSearchlight PicturesKanye WestDoja Cat
- 2 min
Tim reacts to news of an 11th subway killing in NYC this year, joking that the fare should be lowered if people are going to keep getting murdered riding it.
3moments
- The NYC subway has seen 11 killings this year, making it increasingly untenable for regular use.
- Tim proposes lowering subway fares since people are getting murdered — at least they'd have money left for medical supplies.
- Mayor Eric Adams, described as a cocaine addict, is attempting to reduce subway violence by jailing more mentally ill people.
New York City SubwayEric Adams
- 3 min
Tim discusses LA Mayor Karen Bass having homeless encampments moved from City Hall right before her inauguration, calling out the staged optics.
8moments
- Karen Bass just elected as LA mayor moved all the homeless people out of City Hall for her mayoral inauguration.
- Tim offers to fund moving homeless people back the night before Bass's inauguration if anyone has the resources.
- LA Times headline confirms crews worked to move homeless encampments near City Hall before the swearing in.
- The inauguration should look like a zombie apocalypse with homeless people wandering in the background while the mayor takes the oath.
- Attendees should see blurry fentanyl-addled figures swaying in the background with guards shooing them away during the ceremony.
- LA Homeless Services Authority official claims the council member did not request the encampment clearing operation.
- Everyone's uncomfortable with seeing the truth of what LA has become, especially the mayor who wants to market a different version of reality.
- Bass moved the homeless encampments right before taking office to present a sanitized version of downtown LA to the public.
- 5 min
The 'We Love LA' Homeless Choir Bit
#Tim builds an elaborate fantasy where instead of removing homeless encampments, Karen Bass should have them sing a choreographed 'We Love LA' number behind her at the inauguration in exchange for drugs.
10moments
- Tim proposes drugging homeless people and making them sing in a choir as an alternative to removing them from LA.
- Imagines homeless choir performing at the LA mayor's inauguration behind Karen Bass.
- Tim acknowledges not all homeless people will cooperate, but promises of drugs will ensure some show up to rehearsals.
- Notes LA lacks an iconic song like New York has 'New York, New York,' proposes 'We Love LA' instead.
- Visualizes the full scene: homeless choir in formation behind Karen Bass during her inauguration as mayor.
- Tim performs the homeless choir's imagined song, complete with swaying and handling missing sheet music.
- Karen Bass checks on the performers while occasional violence is quickly managed by removing people from the formation.
- Claims this homeless choir solution is far superior to actually moving homeless people out of their homes.
- Adds merchandising details: performers get 'I Love LA' and Karen Bass inaugural shirts and swag bags afterward.
- Concludes the performers would then run through the streets wearing their merchandise from the inauguration event.
Karen BassThe TemptationsRandy Newman
- 2 min
Tim reads a sponsor ad for Raycon wireless earbuds, mentioning battery life, holiday discount codes, and stocking stuffer appeal.
6moments
- Tim explains why Raycon earbuds are necessary—people can't be left alone with their own thoughts.
- The gift appeal: receivers get a fun device to use immediately, givers get devices at half the price of other premium brands.
- Daily flash deals counting down to Christmas make Raycon a great stocking stuffer option.
- Free shipping, free returns, buy-now-pay-later options, and a 30-day happiness guarantee remove friction from the purchase.
- Code holiday at buyraycon.com/tim gets 15% off sitewide and supports the show.
- Tim was planning a Christmas party in Los Angeles but everyone has COVID, so he's canceling it.
- 2 min
Everyone's Sick: LA and NYC Covid/Flu Wave
#Tim talks about widespread illness in LA and NYC, mentioning overwhelmed hospitals and his own frequent testing, before circling back to say Harry and Meghan's documentary is worth watching despite claiming to hate the spotlight.
7moments
- New York City is putting masks back on as flu and upper respiratory illness spread widely.
- Hospitals are more filled now than they've ever been after families gathered for Thanksgiving.
- Tim recommends watching the Harry and Meghan situation unfold because it's entertaining.
- They claim they don't want to be in the spotlight, yet they've formed a production company.
- Meghan dated a prince and married him, started a production company, and got a $100 million Netflix deal — all because she supposedly hates the spotlight.
- Tim's theory: she feels the only way out of the spotlight is by going deeper into it.
- She's not naive or a dummy; she knew what she was getting into with the royal family, even if the scope surprised her.
Meghan MarkleHarry and MeghanNetflixOprah WinfreyChrista Stefano
- 1 min
Tim reads a news item quoting a royal expert saying the family wasn't worried about the documentary's revelations, reinforcing his theory that Meghan's 'privacy' narrative is contradictory.
4moments
- Royal family breathing a sigh of relief over Harry and Meghan's Netflix series not delivering expected bombshells
- Tim: the documentary is boring, just someone entertaining with a nice easy light watch, not the explosive reveal people expected
- Meghan couldn't handle the spotlight and intense scrutiny that came with dating a royal, so she moved to Hollywood and got a Netflix deal
- The irony: she claims she wants her privacy back after pursuing a public Netflix series
MeganNetflixBritish royal familyHarryJonathan Sarah sakurdati
- 5 min
What's Behind Meghan Markle's Eyes
#Tim delivers an extended riff on the ambitious 'darkness' and vacancy he claims to see behind actresses' eyes like Meghan Markle's, framing her rise from a garage apartment to Montecito as an admirable act of pure will.
11moments
- Meghan Markle's Netflix deal is ironic given her stated desire for privacy.
- Tim describes an indefinable quality behind Markle's eyes that animates ambitious people.
- Growing up where she did, marrying a prince and moving to Montecito deserves respect regardless of methods.
- That vacant darkness behind the eyes of actresses represents ambition, control, and competitive advantage.
- The thing behind ambitious people's eyes is a raw drive to arrange the world to please themselves.
- Markle clawed her way from living above a garage in the Valley to Montecito and you have to respect that.
- Men wanting to sleep with ambitious women is what actually drives civilization forward.
- This is a story of a woman winning, which people are understanding in the wrong way.
- The winning is behind her eyes; her calm demeanor shows someone focused on victory despite racism.
- Markle's every interaction in life was calculated toward the moment she could escape being a bit player on Suits.
- She positioned herself like Princess Diana did, but before they could kill her like they did Diana.
- 2 min
Will the Royals Strike Back?
#Tim wonders aloud, half-joking, whether the royal family might retaliate against Meghan now that the queen has died, referencing Diana's fate.
4moments
- Tim refers to the recently deceased queen as "the old lizard."
- Tim expresses relief that he is not the princess of England.
- Tim speculates that "the Royals" might get her, or she might "get eaten by a dolphin or something."
- Final reflection: "You gotta hand it to the old lizards" before signing off.
- 1 min
Tim plugs the Patreon episode about Bitcoin guys being killed in Puerto Rico, lists upcoming tour dates in Irvine, Indio, and Oxnard, and signs off telling people to watch the documentary and form their own opinion.