ad · moment 22 of 24
The Merch Monologue: A Suburban Dad's Suicide Fantasy
from Gutsy | The Tim Dillon Show #315 · #315
7 min
SponsorTim Dillon Show Merch
In an extended, escalating bit selling the new Tim Dillon Show merch line, Tim adopts the voice of a broken-down suburban father whose only joy in life is the podcast, spiraling into a dark fantasy about killing himself in the hoodie.
- Tim describes the merch as unprecedented clothing that works across all seasons and climates, timeless and ageless.
- He credits his producer's work emailing the designer with a three or four sentence vision for the merch.
- Tim insists listeners buy the merch and won't accept excuses about inflation, gas prices, sick kids, or any life problem.
- Suburban dad can't afford his dogs' operations, one of them is starting to smell, and his father won't look him in the eye.
- Buying merch and wearing it makes all life problems minuscule when supporting a podcast you enjoy.
- Tim imagines his wife coming to the garage and telling him to stop listening and raise the kids, so he'd back the car into her.
- Wife watches Hillary Clinton on Gutsy instead of noticing him, drinking wine in the back room while he tinkers in the garage.
- His kids ignore him, but that's okay because he has a podcast he enjoys from two boys he likes.
- His family line will end badly—juvenile hall, addiction, scraped skin, sobering up for four days in a Schenectady suburb parking lot.
- He wishes he was dead every minute of every day, but today he has a podcast to listen to and they're selling merch.