rant · moment 2 of 16
Zombie Comics: The Open Mic Disguised as a Booked Show
from Episode 152 - Feral · #152
16 min
Tim compares failed, delusional LA open mic comedians to zombies from apocalypse movies who've 'been bit,' recounting a specific nightmare booking at a Studio City lounge, a promoter who lied about it being a real show, and a formerly good comic now drinking scotch and showing off dresses; he expands into a broader riff on the tragedy of unsuccessful comedians, fake flyers, and anniversary shows for nothing.
- Tim compares booked comedy shows to zombie apocalypse movies where survivors must test if newcomers have been infected.
- A booker with a Facebook profile listing every club she's worked at is diagnosed as 'been bit'—mentally ill and no longer fighting the good fight.
- Tim arrives at a Studio City lounge where the bouncer aggressively interrogates him and asks if he promoted their flyer with his name spelled wrong.
- The lounge interior is a dungeon filled entirely with struggling comedians, not a real audience, and the booker is delighted everyone showed up.
- When Tim asks if it's an open mic, the booker insists it's a booked show despite the entire audience being comics.
- Tim recognizes a brilliant comic he knows sitting at the bar and cautiously approaches, unsure if she's been bitten by the zombie bug.
- The comic puts her hand on Tim's shoulder, announces they're in hell, pulls out disgusting brown dresses from a bag, and drinks scotch.
- The booker messages Tim on Instagram asking about another show she already booked for him, prompting him to block her instead of responding.
- Comedy's human tragedy is worse than working in a cancer ward—it's like the thousand undead souls from Greek mythology that Hades won't even ferry across the river.
- Tim refuses to show up to shows with four people in attendance because you can't just tell someone they're a sociopathic maniac.
- An Uber driver tells Tim it takes balls to get on stage, so Tim puts in his headphones rather than explain there's no audience because everyone wants to perform.
- There was a whole year in LA where Tim just posted he was performing at venues but would cancel at the last minute and not show up.
- People celebrate four-year anniversaries of doing open mics in the back of a truck on the 405—instead of pursuing actual relationships and getting married.
- Comics post about 37-hour road trips upstate while doing 70 minutes for nobody, whereas welders who unclog toilets and get paid are the real winners.
- Wealthy friends Tim knows are so bored by their riches that they float in pools all day, with houses so massive they never use most of the rooms.
- Rooftop pools in LA have hot women eating bowls of ice cream, and every billboard for weed companies features fat women because death-level obesity now sells.
- Brands want scooter-bound fat women—not just curvy—to the level of Violet Beauregarde, constantly farting, representing true unhealthiness as a product.
- People succeeding in comedy right now, including Tim himself, should be in group homes because their brains are bouncing loose in their heads.
Amy SchumerMarlboro LightsThe FerrymanStudio City