Episode 420 · The Studio Revamp
CEO Assassinations & Christmas In New York | The Tim Dillon Show #420
Dec 7, 2024 · 1:03:05 · 820,000 views · 23 segments, 121 moments indexed
Tim examines holiday luck, good bets, the United Healthcare CEO, the snacking industry’s optimism, Hunter Biden’s pardon, a dictator’s DJ daughter and the president’s latest nap.
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- 4 min
Cold Open: The Holidays, Reflection, and the UnitedHealthcare CEO
#Tim opens with a mock-sincere holiday reflection before pivoting to the shooting of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, framing his death as "dying doing what he loved" and comparing the healthcare industry to a war between sick people and insurers.
6moments
- Tim reflects on the dual nature of his commentary—some jokes are serious, some serious moments are jokes, and historians will debate what really happened on the show.
- The UnitedHealthcare CEO was lucky because he died doing what he loved: standing outside a Manhattan hotel at 6 a.m. getting ready to rev up the troops.
- Tim criticizes the materialistic nature of modern holidays and the excess consumption in the country.
- Healthcare is framed as a war between sick people and insurance companies, with sick people portrayed as selfish for complaining about chemo and hair loss.
- UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson's job is to decide which sick people are worth betting on, like picking winners and losers in a competition.
- Insurance companies decide who's a good bet and who's a bad bet, determining where the money goes in the healthcare war.
United HealthcareBrian ThompsonBlue Cross Blue Shield
- 3 min
The Killer's Starbucks Smile as a Holiday Story
#Tim riffs on surveillance details of the shooter smiling at a Starbucks before the murder, framing the whole event as a strange, magical modern American Christmas story.
8moments
- Tim reflects on the victim dying while doing what he loved, working until the very end of his life.
- The killer was murdered in a hoodie in front of a hotel during an investor conference, with 'deny defend and depose' written on the shell casings.
- The killer was smiling at Starbucks before the shooting, elated and happy about what he was about to do.
- Tim frames the killing as an American holiday story, where the Grinch doesn't have a change of heart but gets shot outside a Manhattan hotel instead.
- Starbucks smells different in December than in July, and there's something special about it during the holidays.
- Tim describes the scene: the smell of coffee, the hustle of Manhattan, a gun in a pocket, a story unfolding with a smile on the killer's face.
- It's the holidays, a special time in America, in New York City—a moment that's still dark, mysterious, and magical.
- Christmas lights beautifully punctuate the blackness of the night as the victim takes their last breath outside the investor conference.
Brian ArmstrongStarbucks
- 3 min
Sopranos, Christmas Music, and the Execution Video
#Tim references The Sopranos, asks for non-copyrighted Christmas music to play under footage of the shooting, and reflects on not knowing much about the case beyond a tweet about Nancy Pelosi.
8moments
- Tim is rewatching The Sopranos and mentions a great episode on the lake.
- Tim wants to play the Brian Thompson shooting video but first needs non-copyrighted Christmas music.
- Tim apologizes to Jews for wanting Christmas music, saying they've done well enough financially.
- Tim wants to watch the UnitedHealthcare CEO's execution set to Christmas music, calling it a holiday story.
- The Brian Thompson shooting is a fable that's real, about the unknown and unknowable, with a magical quality.
- Tim notes the CEO died doing what he loved and participating in UnitedHealth.
- Tim introduces a news story about the incident for people unfamiliar with it.
- Tim sets the scene: it's Christmas in New York.
- 1 min
"It's Christmas in New York" Bit
#Tim does a singsong bit riffing on Christmas in New York juxtaposed with CEOs getting shot, people ice skating, and casual violence.
4moments
- Tim describes a Christmas in New York where CEOs of health care companies are being killed by the fireplace.
- Men in hoodies shoot their enemies while kids throw snowballs and people throw bullets in the holiday spirit.
- Point blank range shootings in the dark coexist with ice skating in Central Park.
- The refrain "have a coffee and kill" repeats as the seasonal message, with the observation that no one really cares.
- 4 min
9/11 Mall Meltdown and Getting Emotional at the Holidays
#Before cutting to news footage, Tim tells a long personal story about cracking his phone screen at the 9/11 memorial mall's Apple Store, getting emotional about humanity and the holidays, and recalling being turned away from Midnight Mass without a ticket.
7moments
- Tim discusses a Hallmark song he made about the Eurovision Israel-Palestine controversy.
- Healthcare CEO shooting compared to the plot of John Q, with Tim clarifying his stance against random violence.
- The holidays bring out emotional responses in people, even those who aren't typically sentimental.
- Last time Tim cried was at Midnight Mass in St. Patrick's Cathedral when denied entry without a ticket, watching wealthy people in their coats.
- Standing in the 9/11 mall during the holidays, Tim reflects on the simple fact of existing together on this planet despite all its problems.
- Tim mentions a Venezuelan gang possibly eyeing him near the subway, uncertainty about whether they know he knows they know.
- The holidays create something magical that stirs emotion, and Tim reiterates his opposition to violence even when it feels justified.
- 2 min
Vigilante Justice and Healthcare Rage
#Tim argues he doesn't endorse violence but explains why people feel powerless against healthcare denials, predicting the shooting could be a harbinger of more CEO targeting.
3moments
- Tim declines to frame the healthcare shooting in terms of good and evil, saying such framing doesn't advance meaningful discussion.
- He positions the incident as a Christmas story that will define the holidays in New York and reflects something about how people spend their time on the planet.
- Friends texted him excitedly in the morning with "New York is back" — people were energized by news of someone shooting a healthcare executive at point-blank range outside a hotel at 6 a.m.
- 2 min
A CBS News segment plays detailing the investigation into the shooting of Brian Thompson, including the shell casing messages, the Starbucks visit, and forensic evidence.
7moments
- Shell casings found at the scene had "deny," "defend," and "depose" written on them, suggesting a motive linked to insurance companies.
- Surveillance video captures the masked gunman shooting CEO Brian Thompson in the back and leg, then jogging calmly across the street in plain view.
- Police uncovered rantings directed at United Healthcare but found no specific threats against Thompson's personal safety.
- Investigators concluded the attack was premeditated and pre-planned, with the suspect appearing to wait specifically for his intended target.
- The gunman showed signs of being thoughtful and prepared, staking out the scene and shooting from behind, though execution wasn't flawless.
- Surveillance footage from a nearby Starbucks minutes before the shooting may have captured enough of the suspect's face for facial recognition analysis.
- Forensic tests are being conducted on a water bottle and candy wrapper found at the Starbucks believed to have been left by the suspect.
- 5 min
Starbucks Gets Free Advertising, and CEOs Are Now Terrified
#Tim jokes that Starbucks is getting a great viral marketing moment from the killer's coffee stop, then pivots to predicting that healthcare and corporate CEOs nationwide are now terrified and hiring security in the wake of the killing.
7moments
- Starbucks receives free advertising from being the coffee shop featured in a CEO assassination attempt.
- Dunkin Donuts is where you go after killing someone, not before—Starbucks is the premier brand.
- Tim predicts CEOs across controversial industries are now terrified and hiring private security as a result.
- This event will not be an isolated incident; it signals a trend of vigilante action driven by people feeling powerless.
- The internet has made it easier for mentally unwell people to identify corporate leaders they blame for societal harm.
- Tim does not present this as morally justified but predicts more attacks on corporate executives will occur.
- Healthcare industry leaders are particularly vulnerable because people have witnessed denied treatments and medical bankruptcies destroy families.
- 1 min
A sponsor read for Omaha Steaks pitching holiday gift boxes with a discount code.
1moment
- Tim reads Omaha Steaks ad copy about 50% off sitewide and $30 extra with promo code T.
Omaha Steak
- 1 min
A sponsor read for Ibotta, a cash-back shopping app, with holiday shopping framing and a promo code.
1moment
- Tim transitions from the Ibotta ad to discussing CEOs and industry leaders.
- 3 min
Tim reads a news story about Smucker's CEO Mark Smucker dismissing concerns that RFK Jr.'s health agenda or weight-loss drugs will hurt snack sales, mocking the company's reliance on junk food addiction.
4moments
- JM Smucker CEO defies RFK and ozempic advocates, betting Americans will keep craving snacks no matter what
- Tim describes Uncrustables: a pocket of white bread, peanut butter, and jelly with pressed edges, entirely sugar
- Mark Smucker tells investors consumers will continue rewarding themselves with snacks throughout the day
- Tim's assessment of Twinkies: corn syrupy bread with overly sweet frosting, and there are better foods to get fat on
- 7 min
Fat Children, Poisoned Food Supply, and RFK's War on Snacks
#Tim expands into a rant about how snack companies deliberately addict children, comparing it to tobacco companies, and argues food conglomerates need to be exposed and hauled before Congress like Big Tobacco.
10moments
- Smucker executives tell analysts that fat children will never stop eating their poisoned products, no matter what RFK does.
- Food conglomerates from the Cheesecake Factory to Twinkies are directly in RFK's scope, and they know it—they're panicking.
- Fat children addicted to sugar are the bread and butter of these companies; they need Augustus Gloop and Violet Beauregarde.
- Children today look like divorced dads; when Tim was eight, he didn't look like a bowling ball.
- Even RFK's biggest detractors agree the food supply is poisoned and children are being destroyed at a young age.
- Food companies should be quaking in their boots over Kennedy's more hostile stance toward the industry.
- Smucker believes Americans' craving for snacks will outweigh any changes Kennedy brings; they're not worried about competition.
- Food companies won't stop unless they're broken up or attacked the way tobacco companies were.
- Tim predicts CEOs are about to get quiet now—they'll pipe down and stop running their mouths after recent events.
- What these executives should say is they're excited to help America get healthier, but they can't because they're drug dealers.
J.M. Smucker CompanyRFK Jrfood industryNestleCheesecake FactoryPhilip MorrisTwinkiesMarion Nestle+1 more
- 1 min
CEOs Are About to Go Quiet
#Tim predicts corporate CEOs will lower their public profiles and stop running their mouths out of fear following the Thompson shooting.
3moments
- Tim argues that the assassination attempt on a CEO will make corporate executives nervous, especially those in certain industries.
- CEOs don't fear the government because they buy senators and congressmen.
- Tim pivots to discussing Joe Biden as the CEO of America for the next few weeks.
- 6 min
Defending Biden's Pardon of Hunter
#Tim argues that pardoning Hunter Biden makes sense from a family-values perspective given Biden's dementia and career political debts, riffing on Hunter's crack use, hookers, and the Burisma dealings.
10moments
- Tim defends Biden's pardon of Hunter by noting Biden barely understands his own situation — it has to be explained to him that he has a son, that the son is a crackhead, and that he can actually pardon him.
- Biden owes nobody anything as a career politician with Ukraine dealings; Trump was impeached trying to figure out what was going on over there.
- If you're a family values guy, you have to respect a man for pardoning his crackhead son — that's his only living son after his other died of brain cancer.
- Hunter probably did cocaine at the White House, but you can't judge a man by his worst moments, especially not while arguing with a Ukrainian woman on crack with a gun involved.
- Hunter should be judged by his paintings and nice things he says, not by shady business dealings with Burisma or tooting cocaine in the White House because government is boring.
- Trump's going to investigate lawsuits, indictments, Russia Gate, and perceived weaponization of the justice department; Biden had to get rid of his son's problems before that happens.
- Biden is elderly and dead, barely knows where he is, hates the Democratic party, and is just trying to shield his only crackhead son from retribution.
- Imagine bumping into Hunter Biden in Kiev when his father was vice president — a crackhead was out there offering people access, probably calling drug dealers threatening them with his father's position.
- There's no way Hunter was conducting himself reasonably in Ukraine banging hookers on crack — he was definitely promising people access to his father and probably much more.
- Hunter wouldn't have said "well, that wouldn't be appropriate" — he was out there making wild promises from a position of complete derangement.
- 2 min
A CBS News clip plays covering reaction to Biden's pardon of Hunter, including Trump's criticism and the special counsel's statement on prosecution.
5moments
- Crackheads don't follow protocol — Hunter Biden definitely wasn't following any rules as the vice president's son in Ukraine.
- Tim describes his own history as a drug addict and cokehead to explain how wild Hunter would have been with that access.
- The laptop story makes no sense — he didn't just leave it at the Geek Squad; this is blackmail tied to someone powerful.
- Hunter was in deep; every crime he committed is documented on that laptop, and there's no way that happened by accident.
- Imagine working at an energy company in Ukraine and this guy walks in with raccoon eyes, promising people the Lincoln bedroom and meetings with his dad and Obama.
- 4 min
"My Son's a Problem": Mocking the Vindictive Prosecution Narrative
#Tim mocks the framing that Hunter Biden was politically persecuted, imagining how a regular father would describe a son like Hunter at a block party, insisting this is straightforward criminality, not addiction requiring compassion.
8moments
- Tim breaks down Biden's blanket pardon for Hunter, mocking the scope by suggesting even if Hunter had disemboweled someone, he'd still be fine.
- The vindictive prosecution claim is insane—if anyone else behaved the way Hunter did, they'd be in jail right now.
- Tim uses the street-level test: if a random guy was describing his son's activities, he'd just say 'my son's a problem.'
- At a block party, a father wouldn't pivot to persecution claims after admitting his son went to Ukraine, got into crack, and caught gun charges.
- Biden's defense—'he's basically a good kid'—doesn't work when there are videos of Hunter smoking crack with guns to people's heads.
- The attempt to reframe Hunter as a sympathetic addict with a back problem misses the point entirely—this is about criminal behavior, not compassion for addiction.
- Hunter Biden is a criminal, and so is his father, but calling it vindictive persecution is wrong.
- Parents have disowned children for far less than what Hunter has done.
- 2 min
A sponsor read for the Gametime app and its new Game Time Picks feature for buying live event tickets, with a promo code.
3moments
- Game Time app's new "Game Time Picks" feature filters out bad deals to show only incredible offers on great seats.
- Tim explains Game Time Picks cuts through the noise to get the best seats at the best price without scrolling through thousands of tickets.
- The app includes event cancellation protection, job loss protection, Super Deal seats, and all-in pricing—Tim says he uses it himself.
- 1 min
A sponsor read for BlueChew, the chewable erectile dysfunction medication service, describing the process and offering a free trial deal.
3moments
- BlueChew is an online service delivering the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis in chewable form at a fraction of the cost.
- Tim pitches the convenience: no doctor's office visits, no awkward conversations, no pharmacy waits—it's all done online.
- Men everywhere are excited to see the postman, and confidence is the sexiest thing BlueChew can provide.
- 3 min
Tim discusses a report about Vladimir Putin's rumored secret daughter living in Paris as a DJ under a pseudonym, joking that Putin can control a country but can't stop his daughter from being a DJ.
5moments
- Nobody wants their child to be a DJ, especially not a man who runs Russia and poisons his enemies.
- Ukrainian TV investigation claims Putin's secret 20-year-old daughter lives in Paris under the pseudonym Louisa rosova, working as a DJ and in fashion.
- She's believed to be from an affair Putin had while married, with her mother suspected to be a former cleaner now among Russia's richest women.
- Putin's daughter DJ'ing at a progressive Moscow bar that hosts feminist exhibitions and supports human rights activists — everything Putin hates.
- Tim's point: no matter how powerful you are, you can't control everything — even a trillionaire dictator can't stop his daughter from being a DJ.
Vladimir PutinLyudmila Putina
- 3 min
Rich Kids Who Think They Have a Movie in Them
#Tim generalizes from the Putin's-daughter story to rant about wealthy dilettante children who refuse to accept their privilege and instead chase coolness as artists, DJs, and writers.
8moments
- Tim describes wealthy people whose parents are successful spending their lives dabbling in the arts as dilettantes.
- Rich kids all want to be DJs, comedians, writers, and directors instead of accepting what they actually are.
- Tim on the flood of rich kids from NYU who think they have a movie or story everyone needs to hear.
- He imagines a Putin's daughter wanting to be cool as a DJ, arguing he would just accept being his daughter instead.
- The core problem: rich kids refuse to accept they're wealthy and instead create a world where they have important things to say.
- Tim's claim that wealth makes people bland, it dulls and anesthetizes you.
- Most of these rich kids are completely unserious about doing anything; they just want to be cool.
- He questions how empty and hollow the pursuit of being cool is compared to having self-respect.
- 2 min
Tim reads a news story about Zoe Kastan, a New York 'it girl' who had a brief relationship with Hunter Biden and had intimate images exposed via his laptop, joking about Hunter photographing his conquests like the Nixon tapes.
3moments
- Tim on Hunter Biden's laptop: he didn't just photograph women, he documented everyone he slept with like the Nixon tapes, wanting a record he could reference later.
- Zoe Kastan became infamous seven years after meeting Hunter Biden, thrust into unwanted national notoriety when intimate images from his laptop were exposed to the world.
- Kastan struggles with her identity being entirely defined by her association with Hunter Biden, telling a court she doesn't know who she is outside of her connection to him.
Hunter BidenZoe Castan
- 2 min
Tim describes the Biden family as a quintessentially American tragedy of death, drugs, and chaos, and shows a clip of Biden appearing to fall asleep during an economic meeting, framing him as being propped up by his wife and son.
5moments
- The Biden family embodies everything tragic about America: death, destruction, chaos, drug use, guns, money, and porn.
- Jill Biden is forcing Joe to be president as a form of elder abuse, parading him around despite his cognitive decline.
- Biden fell asleep during an economic meeting in Angola, caught on video.
- Tim argues Biden was bullied by his crackhead son Hunter into pardoning him.
- This is the man everyone claimed would be fine for the next four years.
- 1 min
Tim plugs his website for tickets to live shows including upcoming dates at the Mothership Comedy Club and closes the episode with a joking reminder not to shoot a CEO.
2moments
- Tim plugs TimDillon comedy.com for live show tickets and upcoming shows at the Mothership Comedy Club
- Tim signs off with the joke "don't shoot a CEO"