Extended Riff: What America Means to Me

• 47:31Tim defines America as having an abortion with a gun, eating a sandwich made of a sandwich, getting hit by a boat on a boat.
• 48:06Drinking gasoline, crushing pills on a CD case, finding friends only because they have drugs.
• 48:35Tim's take: America means finding someone to have sex with who hates you and traveling without ever truly leaving.
• 49:12Being American means entertaining at all times, even when killing someone, with everything as spectacle like the O.J. Simpson trial.
• 50:00Figuring out everything's full of shit by age nine, then oscillating between drug, food, and sex addiction while knowing the government tried to kill you, yet still enjoying Top Gun.
• 50:39Never feeling sorry for a feral cat, knowing somewhere deep down a disabled person deserves it.
• 51:28Wishing bureaucratic ruin on someone—not death, but wishing they have to raise their children and go in and out of court multiple times.
• 52:20Tim on American hope: being hopeful that one day the people you agree with kill everyone else.
• 52:54Understanding that TGIF was a good group of shows on ABC, and yes, the kids got raped.
• 53:21Wendy's Monterey Ranch chicken sandwich with bacon in the 1990s was maybe the greatest restaurant experience while financing a house you couldn't afford.
• 53:55America is a collection of cigarette breaks, bathroom searches in malls, lost friendships, unrequited loves, and small failures coming together every Fourth of July to eat.
• 54:33America's national parks have become playgrounds for killers to murder people seeking majestic beauty.
• 55:02The government may kidnap your children and turn them into sex slaves or mind control victims, but Entenmann's is a good cake and everyone likes it.
• 55:29Starting a podcast with your friend and ending up on an FBI watch list, or moving to Austin, Texas for 100-degree swamp heat because it's a moving experience.
• 56:03Comedy clubs will be full of 41-year-olds trying to make it as a buffoon, calling them young children.
• 56:25Golf, one of America's most American sports, will eventually be owned by the Saudis like everything else.
• 56:53Tim's been incredibly blessed to live in America and meet interesting people, only to realize they're not that interesting.
• 57:20Nothing is more fun than doing cocaine with your friend in the back of a rental car.
• 57:43America comes down to three words: shut your mouth because someone else is talking, and they've probably robbed more people.
• 58:08Endless options for pancakes, so many fluffy types you could put your head on and sleep.
• 58:36Finding your child OD'd in the bathroom, getting the Narcan out, reviving them so they live to rob you one more time.
• 59:08Tim's proud to live in America and proud of all the problems—school shootings, tent cities—they are the country's greatest strengths.
• 59:32The bar scene where a man tells his crying 11-year-old daughter and angry ex-wife to get out, then calls the mother selfish before asking Tim to split clams.
• 1:01:04Tim tells the audience they can commit genocides as long as they keep listening and paying the show.
• 1:01:58The show is moving exclusively to Saudi Spotify for a hundred million dollars.
• 1:02:18Tim says selling the podcast to Saudi Arabia is the most American thing he could do.
• 1:03:11America is about the future, not the past—can't lose yourself in what the government did on 9/11, have to focus on what they're doing next.
• 1:03:41Tim's father told him to never overestimate his worth and that he's not that special.
• 1:04:16Father said to Tim and his mother: it's not that we don't love each other, it's that we don't love each other anymore.
• 1:04:46America is about family, a big wacky family.
• 1:05:14Tim's mother was honest with him, saying he's too fat for consistent television and Obama is a Muslim.
• 1:05:38Tim's mother started as a Weeki Wachee mermaid in Florida, was a surfer and swim teacher, and now ends up as a paranoid schizophrenic locked in a room.
• 1:06:11If his mother had known about live streaming, she could have made money from super chats—it's a question of timing.
• 1:07:00Tim hopes people remember what made America great: fraud, murder, and cool shit.
• 1:07:16Make a lot of money, die very young, kill others—happy Fourth.

Saudi ArabiaThe Comedy StoreWendy'sEntenmann'sAustinWeeki WacheeO.J. SimpsonTop GunForrest GumpTGIFBarack ObamaThe Wire