Episode 291 · The Ben Avery Era
#291 - Dear Vladimir | The Tim Dillon Show
Mar 13, 2022 · 59:50 · 619,000 views · 21 segments, 120 moments indexed
Tim pens a letter to his friend Mr. Vladimir Putin in a time of need, discusses a teacher fired for reading a book about butts, questions the motives behind the White House's interest in Tik Tok influencers, and defends the honor of a…
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- 1 min
Opening music and applause before any talking begins.
1moment
- Tim references his Detroit players during the musical intro.
- 2 min
Moving the Show to Kiev and the Azov Battalion Nazi Problem
#Tim jokes that the show followed Joe Rogan's advice and relocated to Kiev right as war broke out, then riffs on Russia's claim of "de-nazifying" Ukraine and America's own hypocrisy about Nazism.
4moments
- Tim announces the show has moved to Kiev, Ukraine, following Joe Rogan's pitch to build a comedy scene there like he did in LA.
- Russians with tanks are now circling them, making the relocation decision look foolish in retrospect.
- Ukrainians are tough and not easily occupied, contrary to Russian underestimation.
- Putin claims he's there to remove nazis from the country, but Ukrainians are angry and attacking Russian soldiers instead of seeing the bigger picture.
Vladimir PutinJoe RoganKill TonyJesse Signal Herzog
- 2 min
Facebook's 'Praise a Nazi Day' and Death-to-Putin Posts
#He riffs on Facebook temporarily allowing praise of the neo-Nazi Azov Battalion and calls for violence against Putin/Lukashenko, comparing it to a Patrice O'Neal bit about a designated day to say offensive things.
5moments
- Tim and others expected Ukrainians would welcome Russian invasion as a way to eliminate Nazis.
- Ukraine does have some Nazis in the Azov Battalion, which Tim acknowledges while being facetious.
- Facebook is now allowing praise of Neo-Nazi Ukrainian battalions if they fight Russian invasion.
- You should be able to praise any Nazi on Facebook once a year, including your neighbor Chuck who collects WWII paraphernalia.
- Facebook is simultaneously allowing posts calling for death to Russian President Putin and Belarusian President Lukashenko.
FacebookAzov BattalionPatrice O'NealVladimir PutinAlexander Lukashenko
- 2 min
Tim jokes that Facebook's policy shifts risk sparking civil war among Russians living in Ukraine, and mocks Zuckerberg's original pitch of "hot singles" morphing into global chaos.
5moments
- Meta's internal emails show moderators were told to allow violent speech normally against platform rules during the Ukraine invasion.
- Tim points out the contradiction: Meta permits "death to Russian invaders" but not credible calls for violence against Russian civilians, leaving ambiguity over who decides what's credible.
- By allowing this speech, Zuckerberg might be fomenting civil war in Ukraine, though his actual goal was just getting exclusivity and attention for the platform.
- The irony: Zuckerberg started Facebook wanting exclusivity for hot singles, then ended up fomenting civil war without even realizing how it happened.
- Meta's violence policy exceptions applied to multiple countries, and Tim reads the list like he's rattling off a promo code that doesn't apply in various excluded regions.
- 2 min
The Two Insane Camps on the War: Pro-Putin Strongman Fans and Nuclear War Enthusiasts
#He describes the two extreme American reactions to the war: those who love Putin because he's "not woke," and those eager for a no-fly zone or nuclear escalation to prove support for Ukraine.
7moments
- Pro-Putin strongman fans believe he's cool because he's restoring a white Christian nation while being devoutly religious, unlike the godless West with drag queens reading books.
- Tim notes these Putin supporters don't care that Russians have no money and die at 60, as long as he's not woke.
- The other camp celebrates the deaths of women, children, elderly people, and displacement as justified because it avoids woke Oscar speeches.
- Invading a country with tanks is presented as the least woke thing you could do.
- The nuclear war enthusiasts push for a no-fly zone that would bring America into direct conflict with Putin.
- Tim describes the middle position: arming Ukraine creates a Syria-like situation in Eastern Europe for a potential 10-year civil war.
- Some people want to push Putin into a corner with isolation and sanctions to see if he'll actually use nuclear weapons.
- 7 min
Tim reacts to news that the White House held a Zoom briefing for top TikTok influencers about the war, mocking imagined dumb questions, Jen Psaki, and joking that they should recruit real TikTokers like Bhad Bhabie types instead of news TikTokers.
9moments
- The White House is briefing TikTok stars about the war in Ukraine, with millions getting their war information from TikTok.
- Tim argues conventional war is boring—it held attention for 72 hours, then people move on because the images look like retro World War II footage.
- Putin doesn't have a content strategy, which is why his military might doesn't translate to power in the digital age.
- America does content well—that's the one thing the country has going for it while billionaires pillage the economy and crime spirals.
- Tim jokes he hopes Tulsi Gabbard is a Russian asset because at least she's making content and having a career in the business.
- Jen Saki is an idiot—Tim suggests the White House should have a fun Black woman as press secretary instead of the pale white ginger.
- Thirty top TikTok stars gathered on a Zoom call with the National Security Council and Jen Saki to brief them on Ukraine strategy.
- Tim imagines what questions teenage TikTok influencers might ask national security officials—whether Ukraine is a cosmetics brand sponsor.
- There has to be something more important for Jen Saki to do on her day than answer questions from brain-dead TikTok idiots.
Jen PsakiUkraineTulsi GabbardTikTokJoe RoganRussiaNATODonald Trump+1 more
- 3 min
He continues on the TikTok briefing story, comparing it to last year's vaccine influencer push and framing it as the government polluting "our greatest minds" with propaganda regardless of whether the message is warranted.
7moments
- Jen Saki held a Zoom call to discuss pipelines, ports, and spheres of influence.
- Tim started making content at age four and was one of the biggest people on the platform by twelve.
- The White House approached select TikTok influencers, but picked people with only 500,000 followers instead of actual major creators.
- Tim argues the government should recruit the Charli and Dixie D'Amelio types and top dancers to discuss Ukraine, not news-focused creators.
- Biden officials told creators they wanted to provide the latest information from an authoritative source.
- The White House worked with dozens of TikTok stars last year to encourage vaccination.
- Whether the propaganda is good, bad, or indifferent, the White House is polluting creators with messaging.
Jen PsakiTikTokWhite House propaganda on social mediaMatt MillerTana MongeauKhalil GreeneRob FlahertyD'Amelio sisters
- 1 min
Putin Needs a Content Strategy (Call Into Red Scare)
#Riffing further, Tim imagines explaining to Putin that physical war doesn't matter as much as content strategy, and jokes he should call into the Red Scare podcast.
3moments
- Tim outlines Putin's real problem: lack of content strategy, suggesting Russian TikTok stars should advise him.
- Putin should call into Red Scare podcast to get his point of view across to the right audience.
- Red Scare hosts have family connections to Russia, making them the perfect medium for Putin's messaging.
- 3 min
Tim admires Russian oligarch Alisher Usmanov's mega-yacht and his quote denying being an oligarch, joking that they'd get along great at dinner.
6moments
- Tim wants to discuss how oligarchs are being treated like second-class citizens, starting with Alisher Usmanov.
- The Dilbar, the world's largest motor yacht, is owned by Usmanov, and Italy has confiscated two Russian oligarch yachts.
- Tim defends mega yachts over mini yachts because they provide better proportions and more outdoor space for boating.
- Italy's financial police seized a $530 million super yacht belonging to Russian oligarch Andre Igorovich Melnichenko under EU sanctions.
- Tim questions the logic of confiscating pleasure yachts that aren't military vessels—whether this is just punishment to make oligarchs' lives difficult.
- Usmanov claims he doesn't even qualify as an oligarch and expresses confusion about his classification.
Andrey Igorevich Melnichenkomega yachtsAlisher UsmanovItalyRussiaUkraine
- 1 min
He continues on Italy seizing oligarch superyachts, riffing on mega-yacht outdoor space proportions and questioning whether seizing pleasure yachts actually helps the war effort.
4moments
- Russian billionaire claims he was never really an oligarch, despite making a fortune working with Putin in the 90s and owning a $17 million yacht.
- Tim expresses genuine affection for the guy and questions whether seizing his yacht is justified.
- Tim argues he'd rather have dinner with this Russian oligarch than with Zelenskyy.
- EU freezes the oligarch's assets over Putin ties, which Tim calls unfortunate and hopes the guy has money hidden away.
Volodymyr ZelenskyyRussian oligarch with frozen assets
- 1 min
Tim reads a sponsor spot for Raycon wireless earbuds, touting battery life, price, and the promo code.
4moments
- Tim recommends Raycon earbuds as his main pair, suggesting listeners get backups and gift them to friends and family.
- Raycon earbuds offer over six hours of play time and multiple settings including awareness mode for jogging.
- He switched to Raycon because they're less expensive and work better than other name-brand earbuds with eight hours of play time and 32-hour battery life.
- Raycon provides premium audio quality at half the price of competitors and has over 48,000 five-star reviews.
- 2 min
He reads the Me Undies ad, drifting into a bit about the otter print on his underwear and a tangent about otters raping baby seals.
4moments
- Tim opens with existential dread as the first thing you put on every morning, leading into the Me Undies ad.
- Tim vouches for Me Undies as some of the best underwear on the market and describes how soft they are.
- The Me Undies otter print sparks a tangent about otters raping baby seals, which Tim attributes to a Michelle Wolf bit.
- Tim wonders what happened to Michelle Wolf and trails off before pivoting away from the topic.
- 5 min
The Sternly Worded Letter to Vladimir Putin
#Tim writes and reads aloud a mock letter to Putin (signed Barry Weiss) begging him to stop messing with everyone's money via high gas prices, riffing on private prisons, realtors, and OnlyFans along the way.
8moments
- Tim supports Ukraine's sovereignty but argues you can't keep asking for World War Three—Putin needs to take a deal.
- The power of the sternly worded letter: Tim recalls the terror of a teacher's note going home in your backpack.
- Tim drafts an open letter to Putin starting with "Dear Vladimir Putin, hey buddy"—establishing immediate defensive footing.
- The letter continues: "The war in Ukraine is ridiculous. This is not your best moment. In fact, it's literally one of your worst."
- Tim acknowledges the bombing and shelling of civilian areas, then pivots to common ground: "If anyone understands that we do lol."
- The real problem: the war is fucking with everybody's money, and Tim knows that was never Putin's goal.
- Tim's closing plea: "Please cut it out before we're all broke and no one has enough money to kill."
- The letter is signed by Barry Weiss, not Tim—a final absurdist touch to the entire appeal.
- 6 min
He tells the story of a Mississippi assistant principal fired for reading a silly children's book about butts, defending the book as harmless.
7moments
- Tim outlines the interconnected grift system: death machines, Ponzi schemes, insulin profiteering, exploiting the poor.
- Realtors drive young couples around to trick them into mortgages they can't afford, trapping them in decades of depression.
- An assistant principal in Mississippi was fired for reading a children's book called 'I Need a New Butt' to second graders over Zoom.
- The reading happened during Read Across America week when an administrator forgot her turn; Toby Price stepped in to fill the gap.
- The district superintendent called Price into her office and placed him on administrative leave, then fired him two days later for violating educator conduct standards.
- The superintendent claimed the book was inappropriate, objecting to references to farting and descriptions of butts in various colors, shapes, and sizes.
- Tim pulls up the actual book to examine whether the content justifies the firing.
Toby PriceVladimir PutinI Need a New Buttprivate prisons
- 2 min
Reading 'I Need a New Butt' Aloud
#Tim reads several pages of the actual children's book aloud, riffing on the rhymes with jokes about crack and the CIA.
7moments
- Tim reads opening line from 'I Need a New Butt' children's book.
- The book's first joke: a boy's butt has a crack in it.
- Tim expected the book to be purely silly, not socially conscious commentary.
- List of how the character got the crack: water slide, banister, BMX bike jump, or a fart that split it clean in two.
- Author sneaks in anti-Semitic material by having the character say 'I don't really trust the Jews.'
- Tim notes the author was fired for wanting to make reading interesting to kids with this silly book.
- Tim transitions to talking about McDonald's ice cream problems.
CIADon McMillan
- 1 min
Quick bit on the company suing McDonald's over its broken ice cream machines and alleged collusion with the Taylor manufacturer.
3moments
- McDonald's ice cream machines break down constantly, and the official explanation is that they need long cleaning cycles, but nobody actually knows if that's true.
- The machine manufacturer is now suing McDonald's for lying about the machines while also trying to steal their technology.
- Tim concludes you can't trust McDonald's.
McDonald'sTaylor Company
- 3 min
Tim reads a sponsor segment for Exodus, discussing crypto asset freezes in Canada and pitching the wallet's security and ease of use.
6moments
- Tim points to Canada authorizing financial institutions to freeze accounts of people suspected of supporting vaccine mandate protests without proof.
- If your money or crypto is held by a banker or exchange and they can freeze it, it's not really yours.
- Bitcoin is a life raft as the traditional financial system sinks amid inflation and government money printing.
- Exodus makes crypto easy enough that even your grandma can use it, removing confusion as a barrier to entry.
- Tim is using Exodus now and says he loves it.
- Over four million people already trust Exodus to manage their crypto.
- 1 min
A straightforward sponsor read for BetterHelp online therapy, covering pricing, matching, and convenience.
4moments
- Tim opens the BetterHelp ad read by explaining why mental health matters right now.
- BetterHelp is an online counseling service where you can change counselors and start communicating within 48 hours.
- Over two million people have used BetterHelp; sessions available by video, phone, or live chat without appearing on camera.
- Tim recommends it as affordable therapy to safeguard and improve mental health, with a 10% discount for show listeners at betterhelp.com/timd.
- 5 min
DeSantis, Disney, and the 'Don't Say Gay' Bill
#Tim discusses DeSantis's fight with Disney over the bill, arguing it merely bars gender curriculum for very young kids, then pivots into his views on childhood gender dysphoria, detransitioners, and the need for caution before medical transition.
8moments
- Don't Say Gay bill actually just prevents gender theory instruction in kindergarten through second grade, and there was no existing curriculum to begin with.
- Many young kids experiencing gender dysphoria will turn out gay without needing to physically alter themselves; a six-year-old in a dress might just be experimenting.
- Recognizing biological differences between men and women doesn't make you a TERF and isn't a rejection of trans identity.
- Some people make trans issues their entire brand, talking about nothing else constantly, which seems suspect.
- Tim wouldn't want his own children altering their bodies until they're old enough to consciously choose, which isn't a trans-exclusionary position.
- There should be some kind of council to verify which kids are genuinely trans before allowing medical intervention.
- Pharmaceutical companies pushing hormones and pills on kids worries Tim, since some are genuinely trans but need legitimate verification.
- JK Rowling should write a new Harry Potter book about a sorting hat that determines which wizards are actually trans, rather than just debating biology endlessly.
- 6 min
The 'Take a Tit, Leave a Tit' Compromise and Fake Prosthetics for Trans Kids
#Building on the previous topic, Tim proposes a joke solution of realistic prosthetics or drag-style dress-up for kids questioning gender instead of irreversible medical procedures, riffing on cost and Caitlyn Jenner.
10moments
- Tim proposes a 'take a tit, leave a tit' compromise modeled on little free libraries, making gender-affirming procedures cheaper and more accessible.
- Mark Norman's joke: calling people brave for transition is wrong, because Caitlyn Jenner is just rich, not brave—not everyone has the money.
- Tim argues the real issue is kids not knowing what they're doing, and mentions detransitioners including Katie Herzog writing extensively about them.
- Adults are all over children telling them what to believe; kids should figure out their own identity without imposed value systems.
- Instead of medical transition, why not give trans kids realistic prosthetics—fake breasts or a fake penis they can put on and take off.
- The fake prosthetic idea as a middle ground: if a kid later wants a real one or wants to stop wearing it, they haven't done something irreversible.
- Morning drag makeup and outfit routine with the parent could be the compromise—buy them a leopard coat and wig, let the parent do their makeup.
- Tim imagines a parent reluctantly putting on a wig and lipstick, with the mom reminding the dad that this beats expensive irreversible medical procedures they can't afford.
- Tim claims he's progressive on gender because he doesn't care about the category—he's known women with beards, and Italian Long Island women are basically trans.
- Tim questions whether a happy medium exists between medical transition and nothing, and admits he doesn't really know the answer.
- 4 min
Tim runs through upcoming tour dates across the US, UK, Ireland, and a newly announced Australia trip, plugs Patreon and social media, and closes the show.
8moments
- Tim announces the end of the tour and his transition to not being on the road.
- Australia tour dates confirmed for late April and early May, tickets coming soon.
- After wrapping the tour, Tim plans to spend spring through fall building new material and chilling on the internet.
- A mini live podcast tour is planned for August across five to seven cities.
- Tim suggests the podcast should be sent to Vladimir Putin to end the war, then notes nobody actually wants the war to end.
- Patreon subscribers can access bonus content, including the raw child tier episode this week.
- Tim expresses hope listeners aren't too affected by economic realities from the Ukraine crisis, which impacts everyone from oligarchs to detransitioned children.
- The core American experience is going through the drive-thru at raising canes.