rant · moment 10 of 27
The Perfect Martini and Throwing His Life Away for Gin
from #195 - Take Me To The Moon | The Tim Dillon Show · #195
6 min
Tim delivers a detailed treatise on making the perfect gin martini (stirred, no olives, extra dry vermouth) while reflecting mournfully on his years of alcoholism and how the pursuit of the drink defined and ruined parts of his life.
- Tim's history with Beefeater gin and breathing in hand sanitizer because it smells like his former drink of choice.
- Tim threw his life away for this cocktail—no meaningful relationships, few friends, living as a shell in a Hollywood apartment studio.
- He's a vector of negative energy destined to either use heroin or tell jokes, built for nothing else.
- Tim lists his regrets: should have come out earlier, gone to college differently, didn't scam himself like subprime mortgage salesmen did.
- Glad he was an alcoholic rather than chasing family and accomplishments, since kids disappoint you and spouses don't care anyway.
- Nobody cares about anyone—not comedians from New York's alt scene, not David Dobrik, and your kids will only care about whatever makes sounds next.
- Gin drinkers like to know what they're up against; vodka goes down too easy, but Beefeater has the punch Tim prefers.
- Martinis take you to the moon, and the joke about them being like breasts: one isn't enough, two is alright, three is too many, four is a party.
- Getting fucked up on martinis leads to real hangovers that require Percocet, Vicodin, Starbucks lattes, and cigarettes the next morning.
BeefeaterBombay SapphireDavid DobrikJames Bond