rant · moment 9 of 16
High School Personality Archetypes, Part One
from 163 - How To Be Popular · #163
8 min
Tim runs through a catalog of teenage social archetypes kids can adopt: barstool sports bro, weed kid, Nazi gamer/race realist, black bloc antifa type, missing person, fat girl with the clean car, insanely gay theater kid, and the white kid who wants to be black.
- Barstool Sports personality: the bro archetype who's kind of racist but mostly just wants to watch sports and occasionally show his penis to friends.
- Tim on the Barstool Sports look: boat shoes, salmon shirt, the world thinks you're running everything but you're actually terrified and covering it up with bravado.
- Saturdays aren't for the boys—they're for job interviews. Clean your life up and stop uploading from your mother's house.
- Weed personality: you love weed, skating, snowboarding, and that's your entire identity—you bake every morning and destroy your life two years after high school.
- Tim argues the weed personality gets you into good parties for those four golden years, and you love bacon, egg, and cheese at 2 a.m.
- Nazi gamer archetype: a race realist who believes in the JQ, reads about skull shapes because a girl wouldn't sleep with him, and spends all his time online as Nordic Warrior 1488.
- Black Bloc personality on the other side: you want to be antifa, wear all black, want to throw rocks at Proud Boys but live in a New England town where everyone agrees with you anyway.
- Missing person personality: screams in the middle of class, disappears for two weeks, comes back, disappears again—nobody knows if you're a runaway or escaping something, but you're disguising blandness with chaos.
- Fat girl with the clean car: tight ponytail, immaculate vehicle, drives everyone to parties, says nothing, smokes weed, then parks and deep-throats an entire pizza alone.
- The bus driver role: pack four or five people into a midsize SUV, stay sober enough to drive, speak only in three to four word phrases about traffic, never have an opinion.
- Insanely gay person: literal calm, made of gay, want everyone to know it, will seduce straight guys in bathrooms during parties, part of theater crew but really want to suck off a football player.
- White guy who thinks he's Black: Northeast version is a Jew who wants to be Italian who wants to be Black, says 'young man' and 'son,' hangs with both the black kids and white kids.
- Tim on the Jewish-guy-who-wants-to-be-Black archetype: you love Black culture, wish you could peel your skin off every night and wake up a Nubian God, but you've got a respectable Jewish pecker instead.