Episode 143 · The GaS Digital / Ray Kump Era
The Advocate
Apr 14, 2019 · 1:23:11 · 20 segments, 146 moments indexed
- 1 min
Cold Open: High-Def Death and Louis C.K.'s Sales Model
#Tim opens with a bit riffing on a subscription death-video service and Louis C.K.'s comeback business model, describing gross fake perks of the "high-def" tier.
1moment
- 0:00Tim opens with "Fill her up!" — a gas station pump joke.
- 1 min
Tim explains this is another audio-only episode, introduces producer Ben and friend Devin who help with the Instagram videos, and talks about splitting time between LA and New York.
2moments
- 0:54Louis Gomez's sales model is standard death for free, high death for paid subscribers.
- 1:24Tim notes this is another non-video episode, though he's in LA frequently now despite still living in New York.
- 3 min
Reno 911, Comedy Central Nostalgia, and the Death of Edgy Jokes
#Tim and the guys reminisce about Reno 911 and its cast, note that Kimmel and Sarah Silverman did blackface on network TV in the 2000s, and argue that comedy has actually gotten more restrictive in a short span of years, including the decline of gay-voice jokes in stand-up.
4moments
- 2:20Tim argues that comedians could get away with much edgier material 15 years ago than they can now.
- 2:34Reno 911 premiered in 2003 and ran until 2009, showcasing jokes that would never air on modern Comedy Central.
- 3:13The cast included Nick Swartz, Thomas Lennon, Wendy McClendon Covey, and guest appearances from comedians like Natasha Leggero.
- 3:47Tim points out that jokes from Reno 911 would be impossible to air on Comedy Central today.
Jimmy KimmelSarah SilvermanReno 911Natasha LeggeroNick SwartzThomas LennonWendy McClendon CoveyGreg Proops+3 more
- 2 min
Pitching a TV Show and Nobody Googles Him
#Tim describes pitching a TV show in LA, noting none of the executives seem to know about his most outrageous videos (like the Meghan McCain and Michael Jackson bits) or his Fox News Redeye stint.
6moments
- 4:42Things that would be a problem today were fine just three to five years ago.
- 5:04Gay comedians used to be standard targets in clubs, with the gay voice bit becoming hacky once everyone did it.
- 5:26Tim cites Greg Geraldo's bit about gay guys as an example of the material done well.
- 5:51Tim is pitching a TV show this week and the meetings seem receptive so far.
- 6:03He suspects some network executives haven't Googled him or looked up his past statements.
- 6:14No one has opened a meeting by bringing up his Megan McCain joke about her father's corpse.
- 5 min
Deep State Zionist Shill Accusations Over Venezuela Comments
#Tim mocks listeners who accuse him of being a regime-change propagandist over offhand Venezuela comments, listing his mundane real life (two pairs of jeans, a Queens roommate) as proof he's not a deep state puppet, then tells the story of an angry longtime fan who messaged him about equating far-left and far-right before blocking him.
7moments
- 6:57Why can't a mature country make jokes about public figures like Meghan McCain or Michael Jackson without fear of backlash?
- 7:16Tim contrasts the edgy comedy he'd like to see with the groaning audiences at modern SNL, identifying them as young professional liberals.
- 7:40Communists got angry at him for saying Maduro in Venezuela is probably not a good guy, and for not advocating regime change like others did.
- 8:04He clarifies that on the podcast he and Mike Racine said upfront they don't know what's happening in Venezuela and don't trust the government.
- 8:29People send him messages calling him a deep state Zionist shill, which he finds absurd given he owns two pairs of jeans and lives in Queens with a roommate.
- 9:24A listener who used to message him got personally offended and angry after he said something he didn't agree with, taking it like a friend's betrayal.
- 10:41Tim explains the striking factual overlaps between far left and far right positions: both oppose American militarism, don't support Israel, and aren't fans of capitalism.
Meghan McCainSaturday Night LiveMichael JacksonNicolás MaduroVenezuelaMike RacineCaracas
- 6 min
Advice for Offended Listeners: Go Get a Drug Addiction
#Riffing on the outraged listener bit, Tim escalates into a full sarcastic rant impersonating the guy's outrage over his "platform," then pivots into sincere advice that no one has any real power or influence and offended people should find better things to do, like drug addiction, than write him paragraphs.
11moments
- 11:21Tim admits he didn't do anything noteworthy academically past eighth grade.
- 12:03He won't block people for abuse unless they're hacky or attack someone he knows.
- 12:37A listener sends him "you were obese" every week, consistent enough that Tim finds it funny.
- 13:01People who get offended at something on the podcast and send paragraphs in response mystify him.
- 13:43Tim mocks the idea that he's influencing national debate, especially about Venezuela.
- 14:15He points out the absurdity of someone lecturing him on responsibility given his own on-air stunts like the Meghan McCain bit.
- 15:06Tim's serious advice to upset listeners: go get a drug addiction to fill the time you're wasting on anger.
- 15:53He argues that people don't understand the fundamental truth that nobody in power cares what they think.
- 16:12Voting and arguing on Twitter are meaningless; the people who run things ignore public opinion.
- 17:11Being meticulously right about everything, like people who predicted the Iraq war would go badly, changes nothing.
- 17:34Tim concludes that accepting powerlessness is the only honest position available.
- 8 min
Pitching His Life Story: Mortgage Fraud and the 2008 Crash
#Tim describes pitching a show based on his time as a closeted addict selling subprime mortgages in 2009, explaining in detail how Alt-A loans, adjustable rates, and equity-tapping worked, and arguing that most "victims" of the mortgage crisis were actually scammers themselves, including his own $600k no-income loan.
10moments
- 17:44Tim pitches a show about his life as a closeted drunk cocaine addict selling mortgages in 2009.
- 18:32Hollywood executives and their agents are a specific type of person, generally ones rejected by Goldman Sachs.
- 19:45Tim bought a $600,000 house with 106% financing and no income or assets, just a good credit score.
- 20:34The entire show is about the disaster and tragedy of his life stemming from that mortgage.
- 21:01People who got mortgages they couldn't afford were handed money they shouldn't have had, not historical victims.
- 21:53A dishwasher on salary shouldn't buy a $750,000 house because basic math and logic weren't explained to them.
- 22:28Subprime mortgages let borrowers state their income without proof and get adjustable rates that would reset.
- 22:58When housing stopped appreciating, people couldn't refinance anymore because there was no equity to tap.
- 23:37Alt A loans were given to people with good credit who wanted to buy investment properties or second homes.
- 24:14People thought they were real estate moguls when they bought properties with no money down, letting renters pay the mortgage.
- 6 min
The Strip Club Loan and the Dying Father
#Tim tells a long, detailed story about processing a mortgage refinance for a guy who wanted to open a Miami strip club by draining his visibly near-death, possibly demented father's house equity, questioning who exactly the "victim" is in these mortgage crisis stories.
10moments
- 25:51Tim's brother pitched him mortgage fraud: putting their dying mother on a loan four months before her death.
- 26:13Strip club loan in Brooklyn: a guy with no job and no money wanted to refinance his father's house to open a Miami strip club.
- 26:34The applicant described his father as someone who 'may or may not have dementia' with a dismissive hand gesture.
- 27:15The loan went through as legal and above board, officially listed as home improvement, with no scrutiny.
- 27:57At closing, the father appeared essentially dead—very old, completely out of it, with no idea where he was.
- 28:37The son screamed at his confused father: 'Dad, the men from the bank are here,' while the father sat expressionless like Weekend at Bernie's.
- 29:06During signing, the son helped his father sign his name, and the closing attorney expressed discomfort.
- 29:37Mid-signing, the father would briefly ask what was happening, and his son would say: 'Daddy, keep signing, it's almost over.'
- 29:51Tim argues the father was the least victimized party—he was dying, confused, and not leaving the house anyway.
- 30:41Tim says this scenario happens far more frequently than people realize: desperate relatives extracting money from dying parents' homes before it's too late.
Epifanio
- 5 min
Bar Stories for Hollywood Executives and Why SNL Sucks
#Tim describes regaling clueless young TV executives with stories from his rough drinking days at a bar called Lisa's Lounge, arguing that comedy writers from privileged, homogenous backgrounds (like SNL's staff) can't make anything good because they've never suffered or taken a public bus.
10moments
- 31:43Tim bought a $600,000 house at 23, coked up, with no income, and questions whether he's a victim.
- 32:28Real victims are old people who didn't understand mortgages; the guy on Main Street taking money he can't pay back is doing the same thing as Wall Street bankers.
- 33:20Tim tells room full of young executives a bar story about Lisa's Lounge, named after the owner's daughter who died in a drunk driving accident.
- 33:52Bartender Tracy forgot to get Easter baskets for her kids because they live with their father—the whole bar laughed.
- 34:21If these executives had lived through some of the nightmares Tim's experienced, everything they make wouldn't suck so much.
- 34:43Hollywood is making content for their friends—people with the same sensibility and life experiences—and it fucking sucks.
- 35:02Every time someone tells Tim something's great, he watches it and thinks at best it's fine.
- 35:27Some people making TV, like the guys at Feral, are fucking smart and present, which is why they make the best stuff.
- 35:40SNL sucks because very few of the writers, if any, have taken a public bus.
- 36:03Different life experiences are why Tim thinks comedians are funny, and why the group hanging out together works.
- 4 min
Devin recounts his mother's mental breakdown, his father's affair with a young Armenian real estate agent, his dad sleeping in his car and building an illegal room in the basement, and his mom eventually moving to a missile silo in New Mexico.
9moments
- 37:00Devin's father had an affair with an Armenian real estate agent who was his student.
- 37:10Devin saw them driving together after school before learning what was actually happening.
- 37:45The affair emerged when Devin was 16 or 17, but his father refused to move out of the house.
- 37:58Instead, Devin's father slept in his car on the street and played the victim for two weeks.
- 38:39After a month and a half of staying out, Devin's father tried sneaking back into the house as if nothing happened.
- 38:59When confronted by Devin's mother, he asked "How much longer do I have?" as though he were dying.
- 39:22Devin's father made the situation toxic by building an unauthorized room in the basement with Mexican construction workers to live under his wife and son.
- 39:48Devin's mother eventually left for New Mexico and took acid in an old missile silo.
- 40:04Both Tim and Devin are only children from divorced parents.
- 5 min
Only Children, Sibling Envy, and the 24-Month Friendship Contract
#Tim and Devin discuss being only children and whether they regret it, before Tim explains his theory that he only keeps friends for about 24 months like a subscription, comparing it to a writers' room renewing contracts.
8moments
- 40:14Tim says he doesn't respect women, very few of them.
- 41:01He insists everything he says is satire written by a room of Harvard and Yale liberals.
- 42:57Tim reveals he wanted a hot brother he could have sex with, walking around the house naked.
- 43:40He thought siblings liked each other more than they actually do — most people are just indifferent to theirs.
- 44:12Having an only child means the parents were selfish and didn't want siblings around.
- 44:37Tim envied sibling bonds more as he got older, though most of the siblings he knew just argued and were jealous of each other.
- 44:51He substitutes close friends for siblings because he's an only child.
- 45:05Tim keeps friends for about 24 months, like a subscription — the writers room told him to keep the cast moving.
- 4 min
Straight Male Friendship, Large Social Circles, and Mental Illness
#Tim argues real straight male friendships involve occasional sex, mocks people who claim to have "a large social circle" as being mentally ill, and cites comedian Ray Kump's joke about how hard it is to make friends after 30.
9moments
- 45:56Tim argues that texting about football once a year doesn't constitute a real friendship.
- 46:27Straight male friendships should be guys who relate on a level and occasionally have physical affection without it being sexual or ridiculous.
- 47:00Tim believes people with large groups of friends are mentally unwell, something he genuinely thinks is true.
- 47:17A woman told Tim she has a large social circle; he responded by saying she's mentally ill and asked if she's sixteen.
- 47:42Large social circles mean someone can't get deep with anybody because no one really likes them, they're just acquaintances to everyone.
- 48:27Ray Comp made a joke that it's hard to make friends after 30, and if you do heroin with somebody, you've got a buddy.
- 48:44Tim says the person he's talking to is the last new friend he's made in comedy, and he doesn't actively make friends outside of his work anymore.
- 49:20Tim finds it strange when people say they've had the same five friends since fifth grade, all in each other's wedding parties—an odd experience to have on this planet.
- 49:46Tim believes in his heart that people are to be used and thrown away.
- 6 min
People Are Disposable, and Hanging Bat-Attacked Instagram Positivity Gurus
#Tim declares people are meant to be "used and thrown away," mocks lifelong-friend-group nostalgia as loserdom, then launches into a tirade against Instagram positivity culture and Jordan Peterson followers who need purpose handed to them.
9moments
- 50:09Tim argues people should be viewed as markups—extractable value before discarding them.
- 50:28Having the same friends for life makes you a loser, according to Tim's philosophy.
- 51:22Tim avoids life-affirming positivity lunatics because they conflict with his goal of self-destruction.
- 52:00Anyone saying 'I'm living my best life' deserves to be attacked by bats.
- 52:32Gary V knockoffs and self-help sociopaths claim to care about you but are complete frauds.
- 52:53Tim critiques Jordan Peterson's advice to suburban men who can't figure out basic life tasks.
- 53:27Peterson's solution for purposeless men should be living in housing projects, not mythological self-help.
- 54:38Tim prefers transparent Instagram hucksters and MLM grifters to Peterson's mythologically-cloaked advice.
- 55:52Gary Vee's motivational quotes are meaningless word arrangements that sound profound but mean nothing.
- 7 min
Gary Vaynerchuk Quote Roundup
#Tim reads a series of actual Gary Vaynerchuk motivational quotes aloud and demolishes each one as meaningless hustle-porn nonsense, riffing on absurd scenarios (diabetes, prison, death row) where the advice fails to apply.
12moments
- 56:30Gary Vee is best friends with every billionaire who started a company but somehow wasn't involved in any of them.
- 56:54Tim reads Gary Vee quotes and notes that people pay money for this advice.
- 57:06The quote 'stop hanging around people who don't want to win' would be better if it just ended after 'stop hanging around people.'
- 57:19Tim calls Gary Vee a retard for claiming there's not a single winner on Earth that took it easy.
- 57:55Gary Vee is described as a guy who masturbates to torture porn on the dark web and cannot come unless someone is losing consciousness.
- 58:21Tim identifies 'Ideas are shit. Execution is the game' as the real quote that explains all the others.
- 58:53Tim performs a dialogue with an imaginary Gary Vee, asking specific questions about what to do while Gary responds with empty motivational platitudes.
- 1:00:17These psychopaths doing really well now inundate people with the idea that they need to go out and crush it without anyone knowing what they're actually crushing.
- 1:01:05Gary Vee sells nothing to people who buy it because they want the idea that they're going to be successful.
- 1:02:36Most people are like Jordan Belfort from the Wolf of Wall Street now, just on lower levels—YouTube and Vine stars would be him if they had a phone.
- 1:02:55Jordan Belfort at least had to show up to work in order to rob people and was selling a real fake thing.
- 1:03:08Tim concludes this is where society is at now, and he's not advocating anything, just sitting back watching the show.
Gary VaynerchukJordan Belfort
- 1 min
Rooting for Hillary Clinton Like a House of Cards Twist
#A short riff where Tim says he wants Hillary Clinton to come back and beat Trump purely because it would make for a great House of Cards-style story.
2moments
- 1:03:18Tim pitches a House of Cards scenario where Hillary Clinton returns to beat Trump and the world normalizes.
- 1:03:36Maybe things would be funny again, maybe people would be funny again — though Tim admits he's not sure that would actually happen.
- 5 min
There's No Wall, America Isn't European, and Disney World Without Kids Should Be Illegal
#Tim mocks alt-right "Viking homeland" fantasies about America, then transitions into a rant about adults who vacation at Disney World without kids, people who crowdsource basic life decisions on Facebook, and a fictional YouTube Disney-hotel reviewer bit that turns into a rape joke and a big-bugs-have-a-PR-team tangent.
8moments
- 1:03:46There's no wall, and America isn't a European country—it's Bob's Big Boy, not Nordic wonderland.
- 1:04:25America is people stuffing egg substitute into their mouths at Disney World while costumed employees suffer in blistering heat with open sores.
- 1:05:22People who visit Disney World without children should be in jail, because adults should realize the costumes hide miserable workers.
- 1:05:56Adults crowdsource their entire lives on Facebook, asking strangers to suggest vacation spots instead of having their own interests.
- 1:06:21These Facebook people have no thoughts or feelings and ask others what books to read because they're incapable of independent preferences.
- 1:07:12YouTube reviewers already document every Disney hotel detail, making Facebook crowdsourcing unnecessary and friendship obsolete.
- 1:08:25A PR campaign convinced people that killing small bugs is bad, so now Tim greets large bugs as 'sir' and lets them live.
- 1:08:51The big bugs have Gary Vaynerchuk as their PR person, telling Tim to stop whining and start hustling.
- 1 min
Wrapping the Pitch and Wanting to Stay Online
#Tim reflects on hoping the TV pitch goes somewhere, wanting to make more than just stand-up, and being told he needs to "stay online."
3moments
- 1:09:06Tim pitches the show to networks, confident they couldn't turn it down.
- 1:09:17Someone told him today he needs to stay online, and he agrees it's necessary.
- 1:09:44He's uncertain whether he'll actually get opportunities to work on something bigger.
- 3 min
Dream Lives: New Orleans French Quarter vs. Nuclear Dictator
#Devin describes his ideal life living in New Orleans's French Quarter or Garden District to walk and drink; Tim counters that his dream is being the nuclear-armed dictator of a small country running his own state TV content empire.
6moments
- 1:10:31Tim's perfect life includes a house in New Orleans, specifically the French Quarter where he can walk and drink.
- 1:10:59He describes the appeal of the French Quarter as stepping through vomit while hearing jazz music, drawn to the city's decay.
- 1:11:30Tim's actual dream: being a nuclear dictator of a small country who runs the state TV and constantly produces content.
- 1:12:14As dictator, he'd want to date Instagram influencers and young hot vine stars.
- 1:12:53He brings up Kathy Griffin's husband, who embezzled money from her for 20 years while she was chasing recognition from Andy Cohen.
- 1:13:22You don't get a happy marriage if every minute is dedicated to attracting a fanbase and getting recognized by strangers.
Kathy GriffinNew OrleansBrittany MurphyMichael JacksonAndy Cohen
- 6 min
Brittany Murphy, Kathy Griffin's Thieving Husband, and Andy Jacobson Won't Come On
#Tim discusses Brittany Murphy and her boyfriend's mysterious deaths (allegedly at the hands of her mother), Kathy Griffin's husband embezzling from her for 20 years while she chased fame, and laments that high-profile guests like Andy Jacobson (author of The Pentagon's Brain) won't appear on the show.
12moments
- 1:13:40Kathy Griffin's husband told her he'd do fine in jail, and she realized he's already living in a prison with her.
- 1:14:11Tim wants Kathy Griffin on the show to have it out, but she won't do it.
- 1:14:22Andy Jacobson, who wrote The Pentagon's Brain about DARPA, also refuses to appear.
- 1:14:43Tim claims everything he does is written by Harvard-educated liberals concerned with global warming, racial justice, and trans rights.
- 1:15:10Those Harvard writers believe all religions except Islam and Scientology are stupid and a waste of time.
- 1:15:43Brittany Murphy's death circumstances get discussed before moving to ad reads.
- 1:16:00Tim makes an aggressive pitch for Bear Mountain Maple Syrup, threatening that the show won't continue without listener purchases.
- 1:16:39The sponsors are limited to dick pills, maple syrup, and CBD products—nothing mainstream like QuickBooks or Blue Apron.
- 1:17:25Tim offers to permit a genocide in Venezuela if listeners buy the maple syrup.
- 1:18:02Pancakes have an 80% success rate when ordered out, waffles 50%, and French toast only 20%.
- 1:18:27Brittany Murphy died from pneumonia, iron deficiency, anemia, and multiple prescription drug intoxication.
- 1:19:01The theory that Brittany Murphy's mother killed both her and her father, who died two weeks later, gets discussed as more interesting than natural causes.
Bear Mountain Maple SyrupAndy JacobsonMegan McCainTom SeguraThe Pentagon's BrainNicolás MaduroVenezuelaBrittany Murphy
- 4 min
Tim delivers a chaotic, drifting ad read demanding listeners buy Bear Mountain Maple Syrup and CBD products to keep the show alive, jokes about French toast success rates at diners, briefly reacts to the Brittany Murphy autopsy details, then closes with guest plugs, tour dates including Moontower Comedy Festival and a live show with Ron Bennington, and a request to rate the show on iTunes.
7moments
- 1:20:40Tim announces tour dates at Laughs Boston, Dead Crow Comedy Club in North Carolina, and Mohegan Sun in Connecticut.
- 1:20:58Stress Factory in New Jersey, Comedy Connection of Rhode Island, and Moon Tower Comedy Festival in Austin in April.
- 1:21:23Tim is doing a live podcast with Ron Bennington on August 25th at SpeakEasy in Austin, Texas at 6 p.m.
- 1:22:07Tim Dillon's Going to Hell in Austin, Texas will be an hour live show, and he's planning additional appearances with Andrew Schultz.
- 1:22:21All other dates available at TimDillonComedy.com; follow Tim at Tim J. Dillon on Instagram and Twitter.
- 1:22:37Tim asks listeners to go to iTunes, leave a five-star rating, and review the show.
- 1:22:48Tim makes a final plea for people to buy the fucking maple syrup.
Ron BenningtonDevin CostaMohegan SunMoon Tower Comedy FestivalBen AveryDead Crow Comedy ClubLaughs BostonStress Factory+2 more