Episode 86 · The GaS Digital / Ray Kump Era
The Fixer (Bronx Jonny)
with Bronx Jonny
Mar 6, 2018 · 1:03:01 · 21 segments, 157 moments indexed
- 1 min
Ray Kump opens the show explaining Tim is in LA, and brings on guest Bronx Johnny of High Society Radio to fill in.
2moments
- 0:20Ray announces Tim is out of state in LA making moves
- 0:35Ray is hosting the episode with Bronx Jonny while Tim is away
Bronx JonnyTim Dillon
- 1 min
Pitching High Society Radio and the Fake Bronx Johnny
#Bronx Johnny plugs his show self-deprecatingly and complains that another, older 'Bronx Johnny' who allegedly beats his wife gets used for promotion instead of him.
2moments
- 0:41Bronx Johnny introduces himself as a host of High Society Radio on Gas Digital, airing Thursday nights at 8 p.m.
- 1:10Tim notes that someone created a fake Bronx Johnny account on Twitter—just some old Jewish guy they added to impersonate the real one.
- 3 min
Editing a Coworker's Cancer Farewell Video
#Johnny describes being tasked at work with cutting a farewell/eulogy video for a boss's boss dying of cancer, riffing on the man's love of chicken fingers, dark jokes about death, and a story about an uncle's friend jumping into an open grave.
10moments
- 1:33Tim's editing a farewell video for a coworker with cancer, initially thinking it was a get-well message
- 2:04The video features people sharing anecdotes about the dying man loving chicken fingers and being fun
- 2:21Tim notes the dark irony of praising someone's chicken finger diet while they're dying of cancer
- 2:39The video shoot wasted his entire workday while the coworker was in a coma
- 2:50Tim suggests making an executive decision to highlight all chicken finger mentions in yellow with slow-motion shots
- 3:09He jokes about the kid at the wake only remembering his father for loving chicken fingers
- 3:27Tim admits the situation is sad and notes he struggles to express sadness without joking
- 3:40Humor becomes his coping mechanism because he can't just sit with sadness anymore
- 3:54Tim recalls seeing his uncle's best friend throw himself into the grave during the funeral
- 4:07The friend may have had romantic feelings for the deceased based on how attached he was
- 3 min
Ecuadorian Uncle, Coworkers with Cancer, and Hospital Stories
#Johnny riffs on Ecuadorian machismo and intimidation rituals, tells a story about a coworker whose dreadlock-covered head lump turned out to be brain cancer, and discusses his own numbness around death from working around it.
8moments
- 4:25Tim's uncle in Ecuador does macho intimidation tactics in public, like commenting on strangers' appearances.
- 5:03Tim knew people who died of cancer and worked with coworkers who got sick.
- 5:25Another coworker, generally a prick, made fun of the lump and told him to get it checked.
- 5:49The lump turned out to be brain cancer after the coworker got it examined.
- 6:20The coworker died with a one-year-old kid, his lymph nodes spread with cancer.
- 6:33Tim admits he cries all the time watching movies and from exposure to death through work.
- 6:43Crying from grief doesn't mean you have a psychological issue, it's normal human feeling.
- 6:54He's literally seen dead bodies and the physical reality of human mortality.
- 3 min
Working Hospital Inventory and the Karina Vetrano Case
#Johnny recounts doing inventory work at a hospital morgue and dealing with dying, racist elderly patients, which spirals into discussing the Karina Vetrano jogging murder case in Howard Beach and the suspicious behavior of her father afterward.
7moments
- 6:58Tim describes working hospital inventory, including witnessing a patient with a hematoma who died before medical students could operate.
- 7:34A Jehovah's Witness coworker refused to help tag the body, creating awkwardness on the team.
- 7:52During two years of hospital inventory work, Tim met lonely patients—including racist older residents from neighborhoods who praised Reggie Jackson and expressed pride in property values without admitting racial prejudice.
- 8:45Tim confuses details about a jogging case on Long Island, initially mixing up the Chandra Levy case with the Howard Beach incident.
- 9:07A black teenager was found near the body in Howard Beach; an old detective later claimed to remember seeing him in the neighborhood, even though the encounter was unremarkable at the time.
- 9:47Tim's takeaway: don't jog in Howard Beach, especially if black people are around.
- 10:01The victim's father struck Tim as strange for taking his dead daughter's best friends on trips to Italy after her death—an apparent attempt at what Tim calls sympathy attraction.
Chandra LevyHoward BeachReggie Jackson
- 3 min
Long Island Machismo, Trash Can Kicking, and Being a School Dean
#They joke about the murder suspect's mental state, then pivot into Johnny explaining his job as a school disciplinarian/dean, how he tries to be fair with students, and how a temper outburst can end a teacher's career.
7moments
- 11:04Tim describes kicking a trash can at work and how the incident circulated through HR, making him look like a madman.
- 11:28One outburst gets compared to mass shooters in the pipeline of workplace paranoia.
- 11:47Tim jokes he can't fall back on his lineage like others, claiming Germans are just cold and passionate about work.
- 12:04Working at a high school in a disciplinarian role, Tim swears at kids in the morning, telling them to keep their eyes down.
- 12:16His philosophy: kids are entitled to do dumb shit that doesn't hurt anyone, but actions that cause real harm cross the line.
- 12:42Some Deans try to be the cool guy, but Tim respects a Dean who lets kids off for outside-the-building behavior while enforcing indoor rules.
- 12:59Tim notes that kids know he's fair, so they cooperate—if they fuck up, they know they have to go above him and deal with real consequences.
Karina Vitrano
- 4 min
Gang Fights, Arming Teachers, and the Handstand Sub
#Johnny tells stories about a student gang incident he inadvertently helped diffuse, debates arming teachers with guns, and describes a bizarre substitute teacher who did handstands to intimidate students.
10moments
- 13:15A student's cell phone goes off and teachers either can't handle it or are too scared to deal with it.
- 13:33Tim describes his role confiscating phones from kids who won't turn them off in class.
- 13:57Gang incident freshman year: a kid involved with actual gang members asked Tim to let him leave early to avoid getting jumped.
- 14:22Tim coordinated with the kid to leave through different exits while 50 gang members waited outside for him.
- 14:47Tim says he'd be first in line to get armed if they started arming teachers, but admits it's a terrible idea.
- 15:01Cops have bad days and shoot people; young teachers could snap from stress and shouldn't have guns.
- 15:14Tim had a substitute teacher who did handstands in front of the class trying to impress kids, then was never allowed back.
- 15:29The handstand sub was apparently a former shop teacher bragging about his fitness and giving fitness advice to students.
- 15:53Shop classes are gone in New York and Tim wishes they'd bring them back so kids could learn to build things instead of losing to robots.
- 16:21Tim pitches himself as a teacher for the army's dumbest soldiers, referencing Danny DeVito's role in Renaissance Man.
- 4 min
Fantasy Shooting a Bully and Getting Expelled for a Bomb Threat Joke
#They riff darkly on Johnny hypothetically shooting the toughest kid in class, then Ray tells his own story of nearly being expelled in high school for joking to a girl about blowing up her mother, tying into gun jokes gone wrong.
11moments
- 17:11Tim fantasizes about shooting the toughest kid in class on the first day of teaching as a deterrent.
- 17:32Using a gun to establish classroom discipline and threaten misbehaving students with consequences.
- 18:15Tim describes accidentally killing a kid while trying to wing him, then going to jail for it.
- 18:38Teachers are given regular pay and job security for summer vacation, so they don't care about doing the work right.
- 19:04Remedial history teachers bore students by explaining what the Aztecs did, which would make Tim flip out.
- 19:19Tim was kicked out of high school for making a Columbine threat, though the actual incident involved a crude joke.
- 19:34He told a girl he was going to blow up her mother's uterus and administrators took it as a bomb threat.
- 19:52A mutual friend Billy was making movies with Tim and talked to the girl about needing guns as props.
- 20:14Tim bragged to the girl about his dad having an anti-aircraft gun and a tank, joking around like an idiot.
- 20:38Administrators tricked Tim into confessing by taking his joke seriously, creating the whole situation.
- 20:51Tim learned the hard way never to snitch, even when falsely accused of stealing in school.
- 3 min
Never Sign a Confession, and the Loose Roof Homeowner Bit
#Johnny explains his personal rule of never signing anything after a false accusation in school, leading into riffing about homeownership being a trap and a tangent about not wanting to be tied down.
7moments
- 21:02Tim refuses to sign confessions, citing his juvenile record and his mother's strict "never sign anything" rule.
- 21:40Never signing shit again when it comes to rights, including mortgages that feel like creating your own plantation.
- 21:55Buying a house with a leaky roof means the government forces you to fix it—just another way to get shackled.
- 22:19Kids usually respect Tim and shiver when he pats them on the back, which he finds satisfying.
- 22:42Tim studies World Star videos to learn how to predict when kids are about to throw punches, watching their hips and shoulders.
- 22:56If a kid swings at you and actually connects, you can't do much except take the hit and restrain them.
- 23:26When you punch someone but don't really put force behind it, that's called punking them or faking them out.
- 3 min
Reading Body Language and the Calculator Heist
#Johnny describes studying fight body language on WorldStar to know how to react if a student swings, then tells a long story about recovering 50 stolen graphing calculators by covertly negotiating with students.
10moments
- 23:44Tim's approach to dealing with angry kids: give them space rather than immediately engaging them.
- 23:57Teachers who try to befriend upset kids often make things worse by agitating them further.
- 24:08Tim plays a game where he'll call out a kid who's trying to snitch on someone else, then walk away.
- 24:30He gets along well with the senior troublemakers and goon kids across his four schools.
- 24:45De-escalating conflicts by convincing kids they have a future worth protecting is better than letting them fight.
- 25:08Kids could work legitimate jobs like for Texas Instruments, where calculators are still in demand.
- 25:18A student stole 50 graphing calculators, and Tim helped recover them by leveraging his relationship with the kid.
- 25:35Tim told the thief to leave the calculators by the office with no cameras, then recovered them and took credit for finding them.
- 26:01Tim didn't profit from the calculator recovery—the school got their equipment back and he looked like a hero to administration.
- 26:19Tim argues he could either be a strict dean who suspends kids and loses their trust, or selectively overlook minor infractions to maintain influence.
- 1 min
Popping His Collar in Front of the Boss
#Johnny recounts confronting a coworker/teacher he dislikes by mockingly popping his collar during a meeting with his boss present.
3moments
- 26:53Tim's boss was in the meeting where his friend popped his collar
- 27:20Friend announces he's the cool guy popping his collar before leaving work
- 27:40Tim compares a law firm fixer to just some guy who hands out dirty work
pop collar
- 7 min
Reagan Assassination Attempt and the Bush Family Coincidence
#They watch and narrate footage of the Reagan assassination attempt, debate whether James Brady dove in front of a bullet, and riff on the odd coincidence that John Hinckley Jr.'s family had dinner plans with Neil Bush the night of the shooting.
10moments
- 28:02James Brady took the bullet for Reagan during the assassination attempt.
- 28:41Tim discusses whether Brady died from the gunshot or complications afterward.
- 29:47Watching the video of Reagan's assassination attempt — Brady got hit in the head.
- 30:24Tim analyzes the footage frame-by-frame, arguing Brady dove in front of the president.
- 31:12The shooter was obsessed with Jodie Foster, inspired by Taxi Driver.
- 31:54Coincidence that the gunman came from a wealthy family connected to the Bushes.
- 32:05The night of the shooting, the assassin was scheduled to have dinner with Neil Bush, the vice president's brother.
- 32:28If the assassination had succeeded, it would have expedited Bush becoming president by about two years.
- 32:46Tim notes the connection between the shooter's family and the Bushes shouldn't exist.
- 34:09Joking about what would have happened if the dinner with Neil Bush had gone through anyway.
Ronald ReaganJames BradyNeil BushJodie Fosterassassination attempt on Reagan
- 3 min
Getting Laid Out by Mr. Svek in the Hallway
#Johnny tells the story of accidentally elbowing an elderly teacher, Mr. Svek, while running through the halls, causing him to fall and retire, and riffs on school hallway politics.
10moments
- 34:35Tim once took a swing at his Dean in school.
- 34:49He used to run through school like a maniac, bouncing off walls in a fat-guy parkour style.
- 35:26One time he thought some guys were grabbing him and threw an elbow back without knowing who he was hitting.
- 35:39The target was Mr. Svek, a 65-year-old teacher, whom Tim hit hard in the back.
- 35:56Tim felt good about it even though it wasn't on purpose, and felt like a man.
- 36:07Mr. Svek's hip was broken and he retired the next day.
- 36:21Svek dragged Tim to the principal's office and told him he couldn't run like a maniac in the hallway.
- 36:39Tim's strategy for dealing with authority figures is to blur the lines and play the game so nothing reaches the principal.
- 37:10Eventually you have to get dirt on the principal to maintain control of the situation.
- 37:23Tim's example of handling a conflict discreetly: if a handicapped spot dispute arises, keep it quiet and move on.
- 3 min
Jimmy Kimmel Hosting the Oscars and the Bald Purell Guy
#They shift to discussing Jimmy Kimmel hosting the Oscars, with Ray recounting meeting him in person and being struck by his oddly slick, hand-sanitized appearance.
7moments
- 38:10Tim describes meeting someone who shaved his entire head and looked like a bottle of Purell, covered in something glossy.
- 38:24The guy sat down in a chair with napkins on his lap like an adult diaper, refusing to touch anything.
- 38:45Tim says the guy was fun but you couldn't touch him, and Doug almost got caught in his face.
- 39:06Tim worries about Jimmy Kimmel hosting the Oscars and having to shake hands with people while this germaphobic guy is around.
- 39:23Kimmel tries to seem relatable by saying he's one of the common people, which Tim rejects as false.
- 39:53Discussion shifts to the Best Picture nominees—Shape of Water, Three Billboards, Darkest Hour, Lady Bird, and Call Me by Your Name.
- 40:15Tim mentions the James Woods controversy and controversy around one of the nominees.
- 2 min
Best Picture Nominees and the Armie Hammer/James Woods Feud
#They go through the Best Picture nominees, discussing Call Me By Your Name's pedophilia allegations tangent, the James Woods/Armie Hammer Twitter feud, and Amber Tamblyn's account of Woods propositioning her at 16.
7moments
- 40:25James Woods called Armie Hammer disgusting on Twitter over a movie involving a 17-year-old character.
- 40:48Tim explains the film wasn't a true story but fictional, though Woods attacked Hammer anyway.
- 41:02Amber Tamblyn accused Hammer of hitting on her when she was 16, recounting an incident in a coffee shop.
- 41:21Hammer allegedly did a Lester Diamond impression—an America's Favorite Stepdad type character—to approach her.
- 41:52Tim describes how Hammer rolled up to Tamblyn and her friend at what was apparently a Nickelodeon store, claiming it was a Vegas invitation.
- 42:13Hammer's defense was that the whole thing was meant as a joke, portraying himself as a joking, friendly guy.
- 42:27Tim suggests Hammer probably had a few drinks at 10 AM, implying the behavior was alcohol-fueled rather than purely predatory.
Amber TamblynArmie HammerJames WoodsKevin Spacey
- 4 min
Dunkirk, The Post, and Munich Reviews
#They critique Dunkirk's Christopher Nolan style and a scene of a soldier killing a boy, then discuss The Post's Spielberg politics and a grim scene from Munich.
9moments
- 42:44Tim on Dunkirk: can't support that shit.
- 42:56He lists the movies he actually saw: The Post, Phantom Thread, and Get Out.
- 43:11People search for deeper meaning in movies when sometimes it's just a movie.
- 43:34Dunkirk felt like everything Christopher Nolan does—he acts like everything's Batman.
- 43:58The plot of Dunkirk described: soldiers get picked up, then cut to getting rescued, then a kid gets crippled.
- 44:21Cillian Murphy's character goes shell-shocked and won't go back to the beach to get troops.
- 44:49Murphy's character shoots a kid down the steps, then feels bad about it.
- 45:32The Post is nominated for things—Spielberg made a political campaign film about the Pentagon Papers.
- 45:58Munich: Spielberg's war movie where they shoot a woman in a pit because she poisoned a spy with a kiss.
DunkirkChristopher NolanGet OutThe PostPentagon PapersSteven SpielbergMunich
- 3 min
Shape of Water's Fish Man Cock Joke
#They mock The Shape of Water as garbage, joking extensively about the fish-man creature's oddly shaped genitals and a viral image depicting it, plus the film's 'magical black woman' trope.
10moments
- 47:12Tim saw Shape of Water and found it terrible.
- 47:24He saw it in a theater while trying to go home with a girl and was distracted the whole time.
- 47:57The movie is about a fish man fucking a deaf girl.
- 48:11Tim notes the fish man has a fish cock that the deaf girl describes to her friend.
- 48:30She explains his cock is shaped like a candy cane or some weird fish cock variant.
- 48:45Tim suspects the whole movie might be a dick joke.
- 49:08The only good part of the movie would have been more focus on the misshapen cock.
- 49:19Tim compares it to what a soldier's cock would look like after getting shot—trauma cock.
- 49:44Someone posted online an approximation of what the fish man's cock would look like and Tim watched the deaf girl mime it in the movie.
- 50:00Tim describes the fish cock as having lumps and compares it to a head that opened up, suggesting his friend should get it checked for a tumor.
Shape of WaterPacific Rim
- 2 min
They discuss news that Jared Kushner's security clearance was downgraded, riffing on his silent, mysterious personality and imagining his sex life.
5moments
- 50:27Tim discusses Jared Kushner's security clearance being revoked.
- 50:51Tim doubts Kushner actually communicates with foreign leaders — he probably just orders chicken fingers.
- 51:09Kushner characterized as a mysterious, quiet white guy that Ivanka finds attractive.
- 51:20Speculation about Kushner's sexual performance — all pelvis thrust, no depth.
- 51:47Can't even dirty talk because he doesn't say anything; reference to 666 building and revenge plot.
Jerry KushnerIvanka
- 3 min
They discuss reports that China and other foreign powers view Kushner as an easy mark, and joke about the power struggles between Kushner, Bannon, Priebus, and other West Wing staffers.
6moments
- 51:58Chinese intelligence considers Kushner a mark they think they can manipulate.
- 52:25Tim notes that Trump's staff infighting resembles the Addams Family taking over, unlike how previous presidents let their teams operate.
- 52:54Discussion of command structure under Trump, with Pence as a shadow figure.
- 53:38Bannon and Kushner were vying for power as co-chiefs of staff in an unofficial reality show dynamic.
- 53:54John Kelly as chief of staff is ready to quit and came in trying to impose order like Elliot Ness.
- 54:32Tim calls Trump a moron who won't pick better people regardless of the lesson.
- 4 min
They cover John Kelly covering for a general accused of domestic abuse, rumors about Hope Hicks and Corey Lewandowski, and crude riffing on Kellyanne Conway's appearance, then look up John Kelly's actual military career and Southern Command post.
9moments
- 55:07Tim riffs on Trump's habit of overlooking friends' misconduct, comparing it to wartime loyalty among soldiers.
- 55:25A tangent about offering vegan burgers instead of hamburgers, and someone's wife burning meat.
- 55:53Hope Hicks and her relationship with someone in Trump's orbit—Tim notes the double standard when women in politics face scrutiny.
- 56:15Tim defends Corey Lewandowski as a good friend and faithful married man, dismissing the rumors.
- 56:35Kellyanne Conway as a questionable choice for best option—Tim pivots to mocking her appearance and age.
- 57:18John Kelly presented as a bullish military figure, though Tim questions whether he actually served in combat.
- 58:08John Kelly commanded U.S. Southern Command, overseeing Central America and South America operations for 14 years.
- 58:32Tim speculates Kelly is just someone's cousin, bouncing around various military and government posts.
- 59:00Kelly previously headed Homeland Security before joining Trump, which Tim notes is a significant prior position.
- 4 min
Bronx Johnny and Ray wrap up the episode, plugging High Society Radio, Tim's upcoming Oscars event on Long Island, his Baltimore show at Magooby's, and the Gas Digital Network subscription details.
7moments
- 59:30Tim thanks the guest for coming on and asks where people can check them out.
- 1:00:05Tim plugged on the guest's show Tim Jitters Going to Hell today, Tuesday.
- 1:00:16This weekend Tim will host an Oscars event on Long Island talking about movies between broadcast segments.
- 1:00:51Tim will be at Magooby's in Baltimore at the end of March for a show.
- 1:01:06Guest's Vice Sports show covers sports events and history, including a story about Ted Williams' frozen head being mishandled by cryonics workers.
- 1:02:03Tim and the guest will open together at Uncorked Comedy on Saturday March 24th at 8 p.m. at Willow Creek Winery.
- 1:02:27Show airs live every Tuesday night at 7 p.m. on Gas Digital Network with free streaming or a two-week free trial using promo code HS.
GaS DigitalUncorked ComedyVice SportsBronx JohnnyTed WilliamsWillow Creek WineryMagoobiesLong Island+1 more