Episode 5 · The GaS Digital / Ray Kump Era
Day Drinking At Borders
Aug 9, 2016 · 1:00:11 · 16 segments, 111 moments indexed
- 2 min
Music intro with garbled preacher audio, then Tim and Ray discover their headphones aren't working and joke about the show's fake torture sound effects.
2moments
- 0:50Tim didn't hear the intro because headphones weren't working.
- 1:22Tim jokes they don't actually have a real waterboard, wishes they did.
- 2 min
Subway Etiquette and the Comic Firestorm
#Tim addresses backlash over comments he made about another comic without apologizing, then pivots into a bit about only giving up his subway seat once a day and not for pregnant women.
4moments
- 1:45Tim addresses last week's firestorm over comments he made about another comic, saying he doesn't take them back.
- 2:18Tim gave up his seat on the subway for someone with a developmental disability, then immediately established his limit: one ride per day, that's it.
- 2:39He refuses to give up a second seat for a pregnant woman, joking her baby could have Zika and he has no way to know.
- 3:09Ray accuses Tim of being disgusted by people and embarrassed to sit near them, which Tim doesn't deny outright.
- 1 min
Online Trolls and Mortgage Victims
#Tim and Ray riff on a persistent troll who keeps making new accounts to attack the show, with Ray joking he may have sold him a bad mortgage in 2008.
2moments
- 3:56A guy creates a new account every day to shit on Tim, Big J, and Lew, then gets blocked and repeats the cycle.
- 4:14Tim sold him a mortgage in 2008.
Big JLew
- 4 min
Pitching a Food Show and Trashing Anthony Bourdain
#Tim describes meetings with food TV development people who want him fat and unfunny, then goes on an extended rant about Anthony Bourdain being over-anointed by liberal tastemakers and mixing hummus talk with political tragedy.
10moments
- 4:21Tim went to a development meeting about pitching a food show, since he talks about food constantly on the podcast and in his act.
- 4:39Food Network shows are homogenous—they're all travelogue formats like Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives or Burgers, Brews, and Qs.
- 5:19His pitch: a food show where you eat quickly, talk about the CIA, and leave the restaurant.
- 5:41Food Network claims to want funny but doesn't—by funny they mean someone in a colorful shirt making bad pizza dough jokes about themselves.
- 6:04Anthony Bourdain episodes juxtapose serious human suffering with food talk, like a Turkish family worried about their missing daughter suddenly pivoting to hummus and grape leaves.
- 6:55Liberals anoint certain people as "the guy"—Bourdain has been anointed by the New York, LA, Portland intelligentsia as the definitive food personality.
- 7:36People claim they learn more from Bourdain's show than from actual news, which seems absurd given what news they're actually consuming.
- 7:50Tim sees Bourdain's show as a serious food-and-travel program with heavy political overtones rather than entertainment, which feels severe for what should just be about food.
- 8:09A certain type of person will only watch Bourdain and dismiss Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives as beneath them, treating it as an intellectual status marker.
- 8:36Bourdain is the only food show worth watching, according to the people who watch food shows at all.
Anthony BourdainFood NetworkDiners, Drive-Ins and DivesThe ChewBrews, Burgers, and Barbecue
- 4 min
Eating Brains at Ali's Kabab Cafe in Astoria
#Tim tells the story of finally visiting the Astoria restaurant featured on Bourdain's show, ordering brain, sweetbreads, liver and kidney, and being disgusted by all of it despite the show's mystique.
7moments
- 9:14Tim recalls watching a Bourdain episode featuring Andrew Zimmer at Ali's Kabab Cafe in Astoria, where they ate brains, sweetbreads, and kidneys.
- 10:07He'd wanted to visit the restaurant for years but no one would go with him until he finally went alone between open mics.
- 10:44Bourdain explains to Zimmer that eating organ meats represents thousands of years of culinary knowledge.
- 11:11Tim orders brain, sweetbread, liver, and kidneys, approaching the meal as an open-minded, worldly person rather than being squeamish.
- 11:41The brain tasted like death—he couldn't explain it but felt awful after eating it.
- 11:54Of all the organs, the sweetbreads (intestines) were the best; the liver was mushy and the kidneys tasted like solid piss.
- 12:10He spent sixty dollars on a plate of food he barely ate before realizing each plate cost only fifteen dollars.
Ali's Kabab CafeAnthony BourdainAndrew ZimmernDiners, Drive-Ins and DivesAstoria
- 6 min
Auditioning for 'Hot Spots' and the Tragic World of Food Personalities
#Tim details auditioning for a food show and meeting a gallery of food-world archetypes—the food snob, the redneck grilled cheese lady, the mommy blogger, the hot girl who pretends to love burgers—and how the network wants glistening meat, not honesty.
10moments
- 13:09Tim and his friend Mike auditioned for a food show called 'Hot Spots' with comedians, wacky guys, and food bloggers.
- 13:28Food personality aspirants are sadder than stand-up comedians—thousands of tattooed fat chefs, juggalos, and Rachael Ray knockoffs competing for Food Network spots.
- 14:16The Food Network explicitly told the show: no green vegetables on camera, only sauces and glistening wings.
- 14:53At the audition, Tim encountered a food snob named Billy who claimed Carbone wasn't even in his top 100 restaurants.
- 15:23A Southern food personality described a redneck grilled cheese made with pulled pork, onion rings, bacon, Funions, and fried butter.
- 15:51Mike Racine joked that Paula Deen recipes sound like suicide notes because they're just butter, baste, and more butter.
- 16:02Food mommy bloggers exploit their children for YouTube views, treating them like props in monetization schemes.
- 16:45The hot chick food archetype: attractive women who pose with cheeseburgers and milkshakes but clearly don't actually eat that way.
- 17:27Food network won't let Tim be critical of restaurants or call out insanity—everything has to be positive advertisement.
- 17:50Tim admits he'd sell out and do food advertisements for the right paycheck, working for the Dark Lord if compensated.
Food NetworkGuy FieriRachael RayWendy'sMike RacinePaula DeenMaria BanfordCarbone+1 more
- 5 min
Pitching a Tour Bus Food Show to Coked-Up Producers
#Tim recounts a bizarre pitch meeting where producers wanted him yelling at tourists on a double-decker bus before a barbecue party, comparing it to a mashup of Bar Rescue and Man v. Food, and concludes nobody in TV knows why anything gets greenlit.
10moments
- 18:15Production people pitch Tim a food travelogue concept where he eats at fancy restaurants.
- 18:28Tim proposes the show hook: he'd have to roll over tourists to get money for the restaurants.
- 18:58One producer pitches putting people on the bus while Tim yells at them, then ends with a barbecue as a reward.
- 19:28The producer keeps refining: Tim yells at people on the bus and they all share donut ice cream sandwiches at the end.
- 19:39Tim notes the producer was probably on coke during the meeting and couldn't explain why any of it would make a show.
- 20:31Pitches keep piling on: Bar Rescue meets Man vs. Food meets a cooking competition, all on a tour bus.
- 21:13Tim concludes no one knows why anything gets on TV, so producers just throw concepts at the wall.
- 21:42Networks tell him: you're funny enough to host, but everything unique about you we don't want—we just want the fat guy archetype.
- 22:37They want him to improvise in an unscripted arena, but not the way he naturally would—instead with a migrant kid following him around as the actual show.
- 22:53The ideal cameraman would preferably not speak English so he won't understand Tim berating him on set.
bar rescueCedric's barbershop battleCharlie Rose
- 2 min
Producer Dana briefly checks in on the call, and Tim announces upcoming guest Russ Baker, an investigative journalist and author of 'Family of Secrets' about the Bush family.
4moments
- 23:19Dana walks into the room during the call.
- 23:46Tim announces Russ Baker is coming on the show.
- 24:07Russ Baker wrote Family Secrets, a book about the Bush family and hidden power structures in the country.
- 24:22The book got lost in the shuffle when it came out around 2008 or 2009.
- 7 min
Getting Wasted at California Pizza Kitchen and Stealing Books
#Tim tells a long Long Island story about getting hammered at California Pizza Kitchen bar, screaming at staff, then wandering into Borders/Barnes & Noble drunk and stoned to steal books and once jerk off in the bathroom, eventually buying Russ Baker's 'Family of Secrets.'
10moments
- 25:18Tim got drunk on martinis at California Pizza Kitchen and would get nasty, starting fights with staff about the pizza quality.
- 25:48The California Pizza Kitchen bar was full of couples on dates, but Tim was sweating in a suit telling people they didn't know anything about pizza.
- 26:15Tim misses getting fucked up in Long Island strip malls near dirty towns and old country roads.
- 26:47He'd spend $90 on six or seven cocktails at California Pizza Kitchen and eventually got cut off by staff.
- 27:38Tim would get drunk at California Pizza Kitchen, then go smoke pot in his car and walk around Barnes & Noble wasted and stoned.
- 28:06Drunk and high at the bookstore, Tim would look at gay sex books while trying to hide them from other customers.
- 28:32He did two lines of coke once and got so horny he jerked off in the Borders bathroom.
- 29:02Tim used to get drunk and steal books from the bookstore, starting with the free outside copies of James Patterson and origami kits.
- 29:57He escalated to stealing expensive psychology books about Carl Jung because he wanted real knowledge instead of bullshit.
- 31:02Tim bought a book called Family of Secrets and thought the Illuminati would know he'd read it and he'd never get in, accepting defeat.
- 3 min
Reading Family of Secrets at Lisa's Lounge
#Tim describes reading the Bush conspiracy book at a dive bar named after a woman who died drunk driving, discovering Murray Rothbard and Federal Reserve conspiracy theories, and how the book changes how you view politics.
7moments
- 32:00Tim hung out at Lisa's Lounge, a corner bar named after the owner's daughter who died in a drunk driving accident.
- 32:14The memorial to a woman who died in a drunk driving accident was a bar where people could get drunk and kill other people.
- 32:51Tim got into Federal Reserve conspiracies, Murray Rothbard, and the idea that US dollars represent a slave system we're all part of.
- 33:24Russ Baker's book focuses less on George W. Bush and more on his father as a CIA operative involved in a Gulf Coast Saudi connection.
- 33:56Reading the book makes it very hard to talk about politics in the same way ever again.
- 34:37Bush and Barbara Bush deliberately put fake stuff in their memoirs so historians would later absolve them.
- 34:52Tim on what kind of person doesn't have the foresight to plant false information in memoirs: people who jerk off in Barnes and Noble.
Russ BakerGeorge H. W. BushGeorge W. BushFamily of SecretsBarbara BushLisa's Lounge
- 6 min
Trump's Second Amendment Comment and Hillary Clinton Conspiracy Talk
#Tim and Ray discuss Trump's ambiguous remark about Second Amendment people potentially stopping Hillary Clinton, debate whether Trump could be trounced, and dive into Clinton body-count conspiracy theories and Snowden's cryptic 'dead man's switch' tweet.
11moments
- 35:37Trump basically threatens that Hillary Clinton will be murdered if she tries to get rid of the Second Amendment.
- 36:02Trump's candidacy has shifted from populist rhetoric to saying things that actually scare people.
- 36:17Hillary Clinton is like electing a statue—basically the Pentagon in human form.
- 36:40Hillary blatantly misrepresents the truth but lacks the precision Bill Clinton had for lying.
- 37:08No one would have trounced Hillary in 2016 without Trump as the alternative on the ballot.
- 37:40The Clintons and media figures called Trump racist, rapist, and worse, but they were all his friends when he had a TV show.
- 38:54The Clintons allegedly murdered people, and there have been three DNC staffer deaths.
- 39:32Edward Snowden posted a cryptic tweet some call a Dead Man Switch—a failsafe to release encrypted material if he dies.
- 40:18Julian Assange made comments implying people are taking big risks to leak DNC cables.
- 40:51People leak classified material knowing they face tremendous risk from either political conspiracies or business interests protecting money.
- 41:21If you're running a crime family operation, you'd be stupid not to intimidate or execute people who threaten you.
Donald TrumpHillary ClintonChelsea ManningEdward SnowdenJeffrey EpsteinGlenn GreenwaldBill ClintonJulian Assange+1 more
- 2 min
They play a news clip discussing whether Trump's Second Amendment comment was a veiled threat against Hillary Clinton, with technical audio issues delaying playback.
3moments
- 42:23Trump's 'Second Amendment people' comment about Hillary Clinton is played; news anchor questions whether he threatened her life or just encouraged gun rights activism.
- 43:02Tim argues Trump was being deliberately ambiguous, alluding to the possibility of taking Clinton out rather than beating around the bush about it.
- 43:22Tim notes both Clinton and Trump have Secret Service details, making such a statement legally and practically problematic regardless of intent.
- 3 min
Trump Voters, Hitler Comparisons, and Corrupt Power Structures
#Tim relays a conversation with a die-hard Republican friend's mom who loves Trump, then argues that people who run the country are simply better at breaking the law and getting away with it, tying it back to the show's premise about imagining yourself in that position.
8moments
- 43:36Trump supporters elevating him to savior status, comparable to how the left treated Obama.
- 43:56Making any politician into a savior is worrisome, whether left or right.
- 44:07Tim explains the logic behind Trump as a wrecking ball to disrupt corrupt institutional systems.
- 44:21Hitler was also a wrecking ball thrown at a corrupt system before things got worse.
- 44:40The actual people running the country aren't afraid to break laws and are very good at it.
- 44:57Powerful people employ staffers and lawyers whose job is to take the fall or reinterpret laws.
- 45:24Tim won't judge the corrupt elite because he can't be sure he wouldn't do the same if born into their position.
- 45:58It's easy to judge from the safety of your comfortable position rather than inside the system itself.
- 5 min
Screaming at 16 Handles Over Melting Yogurt
#Tim recounts a meltdown at 16 Handles frozen yogurt over slow service and a $9.11 total, riffing on the number as a sign, then rants about stealing juice from Food Emporium and why low-wage workers shouldn't be 'company men.'
8moments
- 46:14Tim explains why 16 Handles is his favorite frozen yogurt place and the physics of hot fudge on soft serve
- 46:56Tim yelled at an employee for not weighing his melting yogurt fast enough at the register
- 47:19His total came to $9.11, which Tim interprets as a positive message about unity
- 48:24Tim shouldn't run the country because he screams at people in frozen yogurt shops
- 48:38Some 16 Handles locations give you free taster cups but others don't out of paranoia about health code violations
- 49:08Workers shouldn't be company men—Tim insists he'd steal frozen yogurt if he could without consequences
- 49:41He used to steal fresh-squeezed orange juice from a Food Emporium for six months straight, spending $20 a week
- 50:17Tasting cups are unsanitary but employees won't let customers use their own cup to sample yogurt without buying
- 3 min
Weird Food Confessions: Sardines, Hummus, and Corn Chips with Cool Whip
#Tim and Ray trade bizarre food preferences including a childhood memory of a relapsing alcoholic tenant who only ate canned sardines, plus Tim's love of hummus with barbecue chips and corn chips with Cool Whip.
4moments
- 51:30Tim's weird food confession: sardines, hummus, and soft crackers with butter.
- 52:45Eating Doritos with a specific type of unsalted butter—Land O'Lakes or Breakstone's whipped.
- 53:32Tim dips barbecue potato chips in hummus, and while coworkers initially think it's weird, they come around once they try it.
- 53:50The recommendation to try corn chips and cool whip together for the salty-and-sweet combination.
Bronx JohnnyHigh Society RadioAlphabet Scoop
- 6 min
Tim and Ray plug their Twitter handles, upcoming guests Dan Soder and Russ Baker, Tim's tour dates in Yonkers and Vermont, his Tumblr, and urge listeners to subscribe to GAS Digital before the paywall changes in September.
11moments
- 54:14Tim's Twitter handle is Kump, K-U-M-P, for listener submissions and show suggestions.
- 54:45Tim is hosting a show at Gotham Comedy Club at 9 p.m. that night, creating scheduling tension around the interview.
- 55:10Ray wants to take the guest to dinner after to see what he'll say off camera, though Tim doubts he'll show up at all.
- 55:37Tim plugs his Tumblr, TimDillonTalks.tumblr.com, where he uploads rants about various topics.
- 55:57His Facebook goal is to accumulate enough followers so he can delete all his friends and family online first, then in real life.
- 56:26Tour dates: August 17th at Empire Raceway Casino in Yonkers with Sean Donnelly, August 18-20th at Vermont Comedy Club with Dan Soder.
- 57:15Tim is possibly doing a long set at Brokerage Comedy Club at the end of October, possibly with Ray.
- 57:31Dana's Twitter handle is @DanaFace, spelled D-A-E-N-A F-A-C-E, where she posts about GAS Digital shows.
- 58:22Tim will be live tweeting the gymnastics this week.
- 59:10Subscribe to GAS Digital now for six dollars to get individual show access; after September only network-wide subscriptions will be available but current subscribers get grandfathered in.
- 59:50Tim thanks listeners and announces Dan Soder returning next week.
GaS DigitalDan SoderRuss BakerGotham Comedy ClubSean DonnellyEmpire Raceway CasinoVermont Comedy ClubBrokerage Comedy Club