The Fantasy Speech of a Constitutional Monarch President

• 2:07:12Caesar and Augustus represent a different political pattern—purple monarchs rather than red or blue factions.
• 2:07:55The five good emperors were part of a gay ring, suggesting we might need a gay Caesar to rule.
• 2:09:04Caesar starts as a red state popularis politician, imagined as someone like DeSantis, before winning the civil war.
• 2:09:50After defeating the last senatorial force led by Cato—the Bernie Sanders of his time—Caesar finds letters in Cato's tent from rich Romans hedging their bets with both sides.
• 2:11:28Caesar's solution: burn the chest of letters, telling his men "we won, you're all our people now."
• 2:12:57Augustus, Caesar's nephew, follows through and the red-versus-blue conflict of the orders disappears entirely from Roman politics.
• 2:13:20Most people vote based on single tribal reasons—Persians versus Italians—rather than actual policy ideas about nuclear weapons or governance.
• 2:14:02After Caligula, Romans stopped holding fake elections in the streets because everyone knew the whole thing was a joke.
• 2:14:30A future Caesar would have to emerge from an American election because that's the only constitutional way to become president.
• 2:14:48Tim fantasizes about the next president reading the Constitution and realizing he can take over the Federal Reserve and fund an entirely new government from it.

CaesarCatoAugustusRoman EmpireCaligulaBohemian GroveKennedyFDRBernie SandersNixon