Episode 513
Ed Sheeran, Sydney Sweeney, & Kash Patel’s Pet Fetish | The Tim Dillon Show #513
Sep 19, 2026 · 1:14:15 · 1,533,728 views · 12 segments, 87 moments indexed
Tim discusses the Ed Sheeran controversy, Kash Patel making a fool of himself yet again, Mitch McConnell returning to the Senate somehow still alive, the Sydney Sweeney outrage, and AI CEO’s trying to fix their image.
- 1 min
Cold Open: Ed Sheeran Tour Sponsorship Bit
#Fake sponsorship read mocking Ed Sheeran's tour as an "apolitical" family event, setting up the Sheeran controversy.
2moments
- Tim opens by announcing the show is sponsored by Ed Sheeran's tour
- Ed Sheeran's tour promises a nostalgic, apolitical event for the entire family
- 5 min
Ed Sheeran Dropped From Tour Over Mo Salah Controversy
#Tim recaps billionaire Robert Kraft pressuring arenas to drop Ed Sheeran after Mohamed Salah said "Free Palestine," leading to band and opener defections; riffs on Sheeran's mental health, One Direction comparisons, and imagines Sheeran giving an honest "I don't care about Gaza" statement, veering into Iran/women's rights irony.
9moments
- Tim says Ed Sheeran had a bad week after being dropped from tour over a Mo Salah "Free Palestine" comment.
- Robert Craft, owner of the Patriots, pressured the tour by threatening that stadium owners wouldn't let Sheeran perform if he didn't drop the opener.
- Tim volunteers to open the tour with standup comedy after all of Ed Sheeran's actual openers, including Billie Eilish's brother Finneas, pulled out.
- Tim expresses genuine concern about Ed Sheeran's mental health following the controversy, referencing the One Direction member who died by suicide.
- Tim argues Ed Sheeran should simply admit he doesn't care about Palestinian suffering rather than issuing a wordy statement.
- What's happening in Gaza is atrocious and constitutes genocide according to human rights organizations, with 93% of homes destroyed.
- Tim suggests Ed Sheeran preemptively claim indifference toward multiple Middle East crises—Lebanon, Turkey, Iran—to prevent future backlash.
- The irony of Western intervention: the stated rationale is liberating women and girls, yet girls actually attending school in Iran were killed in strikes.
- Tim clarifies he's not claiming Iran is a feminist utopia, only that it's strange the girls the U.S. killed were in an actual school.
Ed SheeranRobert CraftPhineas
- 12 min
Cash Patel Drops Beastiality Ban for FBI Applicants
#Extended riff on FBI Director Kash Patel, his Olympics drinking trip, and a real Senate hearing clip where Patel explains removing automatic disqualification for applicants who've engaged in beastiality, framed as blackmail leverage for the Bureau.
14moments
- Tim vouches for Cash Patel as FBI director, saying he trusts him to do classified work without needing to know details.
- Patel is supposedly handling the Epstein victims case, the Kirk situation, and Thomas Matthew Crooks investigation, yet Tim claims to feel satisfied without learning anything more.
- Tim defends not questioning Patel's decisions, citing trust and admiring his girlfriend's Israeli country music and his bakabazi dancing in Vegas.
- Cash Patel delegated counter-terrorism responsibilities to subordinates while traveling to the Olympics to celebrate with the US hockey team during an active Iranian terror threat.
- Patel has removed beastiality as an automatic disqualifier for FBI job applicants, a decision Tim initially refuses to question.
- Tim argues having sex with animals is easy and often accidental—it happens when you're horny, with friends, or as a joke to send in a group text.
- Patel testified that the new rules protect victims of beastiality who were trafficked and forced into such acts, not actual offenders.
- Tim lays out the criteria: people who had sex with animals but didn't enjoy it, didn't climax, or view it as a learning experience can work for the FBI.
- The real reason for this policy change is blackmail—Patel wants FBI employees on tape having sex with animals so the bureau can control them if they start asking questions about cover-ups.
- Senator Kennedy questions whether Patel is protecting offenders or victims, and Tim intercepts to clarify the actual policy allows people who engaged in beastiality.
- Tim argues the distinction between engaging in and being victimized by beastiality depends on the animal and whether it was enjoying itself—the missing piece in Patel's testimony.
- Patel claims he eliminated bureaucracy that prevented great Americans who've had sex with animals from being considered for FBI service.
- When Patel says everyone has kinks to justify the policy, Tim agrees that kink-shaming people who have sex with animals shouldn't disqualify them from covering up government scandals.
- Tim's conclusion: the bureau would prefer applicants had sex with animals on video, giving the FBI leverage to silence anyone questioning narratives like Crooks or Kirk.
Friend of the showKash PatelThomas Matthew CrooksJohn F. KennedyJeffrey Epstein
- 1 min
Sponsor read for Neutrafol hair growth supplement, citing its dermatologist recommendations and MLB partnership.
3moments
- Tim reads that if your hair isn't performing, the problem isn't a hat but the root cause that needs addressing.
- Everyone Tim knows who takes Neutrafol is happy with the results.
- Major League Baseball players trust Neutrafol to keep them performing at the highest level.
- 2 min
Sponsor read for Mint Mobile's $15/month wireless plans with a joke about drug dealing wireless bills.
1moment
- Tim opens with a joke about wireless bills and selling drugs.
- 8 min
Homeland Security's Mark Wayne Mullen and His Roommate
#Tim covers the strange living arrangement of DHS Secretary Mark Wayne Mullen, who shares a Capitol Hill house with Congressman Jason Smith despite owning 40 properties, riffing on hypocrisy and ethics questions, then plugs the Bannon/Sanders anti-AI tour event.
8moments
- Tim criticizes Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei for using AI danger warnings to inflate stock price and justify trillion-dollar funding requests.
- Mark Wayne Mullen, the Secretary of Homeland Security, owns 40 properties but chooses to live with Republican Representative Jason Smith as roommates.
- Mullen and Smith have shared a Capitol Hill residence for three years, described by insiders as an unusual arrangement for a cabinet secretary.
- Mullen and Smith met at a gym and became close during their time in Congress, with Smith later calling Mullen a man of God and father.
- The roommate arrangement raises ethics questions about whether below-market rent could violate House rules prohibiting gifts worth over $100 from a single source.
- Tim argues the situation is bizarre and weirder if the two men are not having a romantic relationship, given they're both wealthy, middle-aged cabinet members.
- Mullen's representative claims he bought the house in 2023 and acts as Smith's landlord, but declined to disclose monthly rent or provide public records of any payment.
- Tim defends questioning why a Homeland Security Secretary chooses a roommate over a private crash pad, noting it's genuinely strange for someone of his position and wealth.
Mark Wayne MullenAnthropicDario AmodeiJason SmithKash PatelBernie SandersSteve Bannon
- 9 min
Mitch McConnell Kept Alive for the Midterms
#Long riff on Mitch McConnell's frail, confused appearances in the Senate, comparing him to Terry Schiavo and joking that Republicans are artificially keeping him alive to preserve votes before the midterms.
10moments
- Tim pitches Bernie Sanders and Steve Bannon as an unlikely debate ticket.
- If Bernie Sanders and Steve Bannon are the public faces fighting AI, AI has already won.
- Tim imagines a robot walking onstage and carrying Bernie off mid-speech.
- Mitch McConnell is back and looking viral, young, and spry in hiking boots.
- Republicans can't lose McConnell even though he's medically dead—they keep him alive as a voting prop.
- McConnell is Weekend at Bernie's: they wheel him in and manually move his hand to vote yes on bills.
- Tim describes McConnell's condition as locked-in syndrome, constantly begging for death but not allowed to die.
- Senate footage shows McConnell confused during roll call, responding with incoherent sounds when called to vote.
- McConnell is the new Terry Schiavo—Republicans refuse to let him die no matter how braindead he appears.
- The best moments of McConnell's day are when he forgets he's alive and thinks he's dead.
- 2 min
Sponsor read for Underdog Fantasy sports betting app, with a personal anecdote about betting against Ben Shelton at the US Open.
4moments
- Tim on young idealists entering politics wanting to change things, only to end up wheeling around a half-dead Mitch McConnell in a van and telling him how to vote.
- The moment you lock in your fantasy picks, you transform from relaxed to obsessive—standing three feet from the TV, googling stadium reports eight states away, convinced you have a direct line to the quarterback.
- Tim argues the best part of sports isn't the outcome but the sweat between making your pick and finding out if you're a genius.
- He watched the US Open, bet on Ben Shelton to lose, and felt good when Shelton lost and he made money from crushing someone else's dream.
Mitch McConnellBen Shelton
- 6 min
A ButcherBox sponsor read that spirals into an extended bit about a divorced, fired man eating steak as the one dignity he has left, including an imagined phone call with his kids.
9moments
- Tim describes the problem ButcherBox solves: opening the fridge, staring at it for five minutes, and convincing yourself there's nothing to eat.
- Cook a steak instead of ordering delivery and crashing into your couch.
- Tim escalates into a monologue about a man who's been fired, rejected by a woman, but finds redemption by cooking a steak he sees in the fridge.
- The sizzle of the steak becomes a man's last defense: no one can mess with you when you're eating a steak in the United States.
- Tim doubles down: your ex-wife can move the kids out of state and turn them against you, but you're still their father and you've got a steak on the grill.
- Imagined phone call with distant kids who barely acknowledge him while mentioning their mother's nice boyfriend John.
- Tim tells the kids they should be eating protein like him instead of ice cream, then encourages obsessive steak consumption to the point doctors tell you to stop.
- Filet mignon is a homo stick; ribeye is the masculine choice, though even New York strip is bisexual—ribeye has sex with women and men, just not in a gay way.
- Concluding thought on ribeye's complex sexual orientation within the steak hierarchy.
Butcher Box
- 12 min
Tim reacts to backlash over Sydney Sweeney's nearly-nude sports betting ad for Novig, mocking female athletes' complaints about sexualization, recalling Martina Navratilova, and pitching a fake Alo Yoga ad campaign with Sweeney at Auschwitz.
11moments
- Sydney Sweeney poses partially nude for Novig sports betting ad while talking about sports.
- Tim argues female athletes are upset that Sweeney is sexualizing them, but questions why they wouldn't appreciate looking at an attractive woman.
- Female athletes like Felicity Palter claim the campaign sets women's sports backwards and say they want to be valued for what they do, not how they look.
- Tim recalls seeing Martina Navratilova play tennis as a kid and notes no one was obsessing over her physical appearance back then.
- He dismisses the idea that Sydney Sweeney putting her breasts in a sports ad somehow sexualizes all female athletes.
- Sydney Sweeney's hotness is part of her appeal as an actress; that's why companies hire her for controversial ads to generate attention.
- British sprinter Amy Hunt posts about what women in sports actually look like: muscles, hard work, sweat, blood, tears.
- Tim counters that Amy Hunt is right about athletes, but Sydney Sweeney is an actress with large breasts, not an athlete.
- Sydney Sweeney is now the hottest commodity for corporate ads because she reliably generates cultural firestorms and controversy.
- Tim pitches his own controversial ad concept: putting Sydney Sweeney in Alo Yoga pants doing yoga at Auschwitz with the tagline 'Let Him Cook.'
- Sydney Sweeney responds to criticism by posting photos of hot female athletes, leaning into the controversy instead of backing down.
Sydney SweeneyMartina NatalovaAmy HuntNovikAlo YogaPaul MeterFelicity PalterMonica Celis+1 more
- 3 min
Sponsor read for Ethos life insurance, spiraling into a dark bit about blocking and suing a dead friend's widow who begged him for money to feed her starving kids.
5moments
- Tim pitches a scheme where his friend's widow posts Instagram photos of him in yoga pants to make it look like he's alive.
- His friend died without life insurance, and when the widow asked Tim for money to feed her kids, he declined to avoid creating an unhealthy dynamic.
- The widow explains her husband was hit by a car while jogging, but Tim insists his concern is protecting their relationship, not the starving children.
- Tim blocked the widow after she kept texting that her kids were starving, then stopped answering her calls because she couldn't stop crying.
- She sent Tim photos of her sad children and begged him to feed them; he blocked her and is now suing her.
- 13 min
AI Bubble Panic and the Anthropic PR Strategy
#Tim dissects Michael Burry's AI bubble warnings and Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei's fear-mongering interview with Anderson Cooper, tying it to Sam Altman's disastrous Tucker Carlson interview about the dead OpenAI employee, the suppressed Elon Musk documentary, and theorizes AI executives are coordinating a PR campaign to seem less creepy, predicting Sydney Sweeney will eventually be used to save the industry's image.
11moments
- Michael Burry's theory: AI companies are hyping apocalypse panic to cover slowing growth and push for more funding before their IPOs.
- Tim compares AI doomsayers to the boy who cried wolf, saying the constant apocalypse warnings have lost credibility.
- AI executives calling for a slowdown while getting richer than anyone in history, creating a gold rush in San Francisco that makes the 2008 mortgage crisis look anemic.
- These tech guys believe they're steering civilization now, with the government either behind the eight ball or corrupted and co-opted by them.
- Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei advocates for restraint while Tucker Carlson questions how much restraint actually costs.
- Tim's drug dealer analogy: AI leaders acting like criminals who realize the neighborhood's getting hot, so they come together to cool things down.
- The coordinated AI strategy to take heat off themselves: ask the government to regulate them (knowing they can't), request more money, and create the illusion of safety and concern.
- Elon's documentary problems and the broader PR disaster facing AI leaders, with Sam Altman doing embarrassing interviews and OpenAI dealing with the Catalina Island death controversy.
- Vice President Vance attacking Anthropic while aligned with Elon's faction, though the real issue is that AI leaders don't appear remotely human and share no values with the American public.
- Tim predicts if the AI PR strategy fails, they'll resort to using Sydney Sweeney in ads to save the sector and the economy.
- The entire restraint and concern pitch is a coordinated PR move to ease the public into accepting unprecedented corporate power while maintaining the illusion the government has control.
AnthropicSam AltmanElon MuskAI bubbleOpenAIMark ZuckerbergMichael BurryJD Vance+7 more