rant · moment 20 of 20
Killing a Homeless Veteran in the Alley: The Fourth of July Story
from Celebrating 250 Years: A Very Special Episode | The Tim Dillon Show #502 · #502
11 min
An extended closing story/bit about driving through a vacant American suburb, encountering a howling homeless veteran behind a dumpster, and the family unanimously deciding to run him over as a bonding moment, ending with the family's quiet suburban life resuming the next morning.
- Tim catalogs the emptiness of American suburbs: vape shops, ketamine clinics, Carl's Jr., acupuncture studios, Pilates gyms, psychics, tire shops, churches, strip malls with financial advisors.
- A family scenario: father tells kids in the car it's just 'one of our fellow citizens' who served in Operation Iraqi Freedom, instructs them to stop asking questions and eat their ice cream.
- A creature lurches from behind a dumpster toward the car as the family debates whether to drive slowly and answer thirty minutes of difficult questions or accelerate.
- The father begins accelerating down the alley at full speed; the wife grabs his arm not to stop him but to signal solidarity with what he's about to do.
- The kids shout 'Faster, faster' as they see the father driving toward the man at full speed; the daughter yells 'Kill him, daddy, kill him.'
- Before impact, the father sees the man's face asking to be killed, making the murder feel justified and awakening desire in his wife for the first time in years.
- After hitting the veteran and watching him fly over the car, the kids get a look in their eyes that no fireworks display could inspire—true happiness and togetherness for the first time.
- The family drives home without speaking; the children are already on their phones and will forget by morning if it was real, and nobody will investigate one dead guy in an alley.
- The next morning, the father watches the sun rise, tells himself 'Life's good, this is a great country,' and prepares breakfast for his fat little kids who saw their first murder—but it won't be their last.
Operation Iraqi FreedomCleveland, Ohio