rant · moment 5 of 13
You're Going to Work on a Boat: The Full Prophecy
from Alligator Alcatraz, Free Diddy, & Life At Sea | The Tim Dillon Show #451 · #451
11 min
Tim launches into an extended fictional prophecy telling young Americans their real destiny is working seasonally on boats in places like the Hamptons and Florida, drinking, hooking up with fellow boat workers, and living a Bravo-esque 'below deck' lifestyle while Tiesto's 'The Business' plays in their heads forever.
- If you think you're going to invent something no one has thought of, you're shot.
- The biggest bum thing ever is pointing out who you know and what connections you have.
- Tim's prophecy: you're going to work on a boat between June and September, then continue in Florida year-round.
- The vast majority of people will struggle against incomprehensible forces like AI, but you're just going to work on a boat.
- Working on a boat isn't bad; there's a certain type of person—good-looking, high fuckability factor—who drinks young and connects to the world that way.
- The type of person obsessed with Love Island wants to be on the show to be an animal for money, and that's what boat work enables.
- Tiësto's 'The Business' will play in your head like a brain tumor while you work on the boat and look out at the horizon.
- Running the world is boring, dinner with powerful people is boring—stop asking for more than working on a boat.
- You learn about the sea and become part of a lineage of people who work on boats, and every night you get drunk at different bars.
- You'll age from sun and booze but need to stay hot as long as possible because you're selling the image of a boat wench.
- You'll have sex with another boat worker; neither of you will have emotional capacity for anything deeper, which is preferable and makes sense.
- Around Labor Day you fall in love with someone, then it's one last encounter and they're gone, maybe you'll see them next summer.
- Tim addresses someone planning to be a prosecutor: you're going to work on a boat and have sex with the boat captain.
- You're a white tan shipwench witch whose job is to dance—having kids is for Muslims and Hispanics.
- Tim rented a 36-foot boat and blasted techno music; two people with him activated their deep core, which shows what Americans need to prepare for.
- The life you thought you were going to live is no longer available, but working seasonally on a boat, drinking heavily, and having a fun summer is a good option.
- You become the old person at the bar pretty quick, a cautionary tale kids reference, but you remember the good times and keep a ten-year-old boat photo as your profile picture.
Love IslandBelow DeckTiësto