rant · moment 13 of 13
The Boat Worker's Shark-Eaten Death: Closing the Prophecy
from Alligator Alcatraz, Free Diddy, & Life At Sea | The Tim Dillon Show #451 · #451
12 min
Tim returns to and completes his 'work on a boat' bit, narrating in graphic detail the eventual fate of this fictional boat worker who, unable to age gracefully in that lifestyle, walks to the stern at 50 and drowns himself or is eaten by sharks, framing it as the best-case outcome for the American middle class and closing the show on this note.
- Working on a boat is a good life and the first thing listeners should investigate.
- Tim describes boat work: you stay in shape, have sex, and look good, but it's unsustainable past 45 or 50.
- By around 48 years old, you'll get drunk on the stern and realize "tonight's the night" for drowning yourself.
- After 30 years of dancing and singing on boats, at 50 you must walk to the stern and drown yourself.
- If the boat crew finds you after jumping in, you have to explain you're actually trying to drown yourself, not just drunk.
- When you jump in the water, you'll initially swim toward the boat, but a current should prevent your rescue.
- You'll feel a tiger shark nip you, then get pulled under and eaten while floating peacefully in the Bahamas.
- As the shark rips you limb from limb, you'll flash back to dancing, sunsets, and remember hearing this podcast.
- Even as a shark eats you, you'll thank Tim and acknowledge you've lived the best possible American life.
- Tim insists this is the best advice anyone will ever get: work on a boat for 30 years, then slit your ankle and drown as shark food.
- Years later, your family in prison will say about you: "Your aunt did it right. She worked on a boat and fed herself to sharks."
- Being eaten by sharks after 30 years on a boat is now the best-case scenario for the American middle class.
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