Episode 296 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#296 - Selling Moresby | The Tim Dillon Show
May 2, 2022 · 1:10:46 · 359,000 views · 21 segments, 123 moments indexed
Tim and Ben are taking a remote, potentially dangerous, Australian vacation with Sam Tallent to the oldest rain forest in the world, Ben has some major concerns, and Tim explains his fascination with Port Moresby, one of the most violent…
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- 3 min
Steve Irwin's Death and the Ethics of Zoos
#Tim opens from Brisbane near the Steve Irwin Zoo, recounting how Irwin died from a stingray barb, praising him as a conservationist, and pivoting into defending zoos against Whitney Cummings' claims that zoo animals are drugged and tortured.
5moments
- Tim opens the final audio-only episode of The Tim Dillon Show from Brisbane, Australia
- Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, was killed by a stingray barb to the chest at the Great Barrier Reef near Port Douglas
- Tim and his guest are traveling to see the world's oldest rainforest where Steve Irwin died
- Whitney Cummings commented on Tim's Instagram photo at a zoo, calling it the "dark side" because she believes all zoo animals are drugged and tortured daily
- Tim disputes Whitney's claim, saying he's met people like Paul who genuinely care for these animals and work to bring them back from extinction
Steve IrwinWhitney CummingsBrisbaneWerribee Open Range ZooGreat Barrier Reef
- 3 min
Whitney Cummings and the Kangaroo Zoo Photo
#Tim continues riffing on Whitney Cummings calling him out for a zoo photo, defends giving animals a 'pick-me-up,' and drifts into wanting to visit the Amazon meeting of the waters but worrying about leprosy vaccines in Brazil.
6moments
- Tim defends the zoo industry against constant attacks, citing the animal care professionals he's met.
- Koalas are naturally drugged by the leaves they eat and sleep 20 hours a day anyway, so zoos letting them sleep somewhere profitable makes sense.
- Visiting natural areas requires luxury accommodations as a priority; Tim's main concern is not being negatively impacted by nature.
- Tim wants animals and insects to know humans are the boss when visiting expeditions.
- The Meeting of the Waters in the Amazon where two rivers with different silt gradients meet without mixing is one of the natural world's amazing sights.
- Brazil still has leprosy, requiring 19 vaccines before traveling there to see the Amazon.
zoo industryBrazilian AmazonWhitney CummingsBrazil
- 5 min
Demanding Luxury and Dominance Over the Rainforest
#Tim declares his disdain for 'communing with nature,' insisting his rainforest trip must be about luxury, a private plunge pool, a four-course meal, and total Western dominance over the landscape rather than any spiritual indigenous wisdom.
8moments
- Tim on why he wanted to go to Brazil and camping when younger, versus his current belief in dominance over creatures and landscape.
- People in Melbourne putting indigenous land names in dating app profiles annoys him; he's unashamed of Western civilization.
- Hotel concierge asked what expeditions he wanted; Tim specified the Daintree Creamery, famous for tropical fruit ice cream.
- His goal on a nature trip is to be impressed by the hotel more than the scenery; he wants safety and dominance over the landscape.
- He doesn't care that the rainforest is the world's oldest living one; his main goal is a private plunge pool in his room.
- Tim demands a four-course meal from the private chef or he'll burn acres of rainforest himself with a Marlboro Light.
- He has no interest in indigenous traditions unless they teach him how to outbid Chinese buyers on houses in Calabasas.
- He wanted to see baby monkeys and koalas, but notes that koalas suck because animals should be showmen who jump and do tricks.
- 2 min
Koalas Are Bad Performers, Kangaroos Are Good Performers
#Tim argues koalas are boring, ungrateful, untalented animals compared to kangaroos which 'do things,' and complains that seeing a sleeping koala isn't worth the money.
5moments
- Tim contrasts paying to see a sleeping koala with how an audience would react if he slept on stage for an hour.
- People help koalas by moving them off roads, but the animals repay them by making disgusting sounds and being vicious and ungrateful.
- The kangaroo actually performs—it punches people and hops—whereas the koala does nothing but get scratched and scratches back.
- Tim could have uploaded a photo of the koala instead of driving there and paying fifty dollars to see the same image.
- Animals at the resort should be working for their keep.
koalaskangaroo
- 2 min
Resort Rules and the Swimming Hole at Mossman Gorge
#Tim insists the snakes and wildlife at the resort must 'work for the resort,' jokes about wanting an Island of Dr. Moreau setup with shock collars, and declares pride in Western civilization over ancient wisdom.
5moments
- Tim demands a resort experience with fluffy scrambled eggs, refusing to hike or exert himself for views
- Plans to visit the Mossman Gorge swimming hole, sit, smoke cigarettes, and watch wildlife
- Fantasizes about an Island of Doctor Moreau setup with electric collars to control animals getting too close
- Tim declares this a western show and expresses pride in cities, dating apps, Starbucks, and hollow consumerism
- If rainforests really mattered, something profitable would already be happening there instead of developers being vilified
Mossman GorgeIsland of Dr. MoreauSam Tripoli
- 2 min
Daintree Ice Cream Sustainability Complaints
#Tim mocks rainforest developers being vilified, claims the rainforest is actually growing, and criticizes the Daintree Creamery for focusing on sustainability instead of wild new flavors like a Cadbury Creme Egg 'Journey to the Center of the Earth' pint.
6moments
- Developers and logging companies vilifying themselves by putting luxury condos and hotels in the rainforest are actually creating jobs and using only a few acres.
- Tim notices Daintree Ice Cream's website immediately asks about sustainable practices, which people get upset about.
- These broke ice cream makers don't know how to franchise globally because they won't stop babbling about sustainability.
- Instead of fussy flavors like wattleseed, they should make ice cream with real Brazilian coffee, cocaine, or Australian Marmite.
- Tim pitches a pint with a big Cadbury Cream Egg in the middle called Journey to the Center of the Earth, where you gnaw at it.
- He understands they're into sustainability but worries they're losing something—the narrative, or the thread—he's not sure which.
Daintree Ice Cream
- 2 min
Domesticated Animals Would Rather Have Jobs and Houses
#Tim argues domesticated pets are happier than wild ones and jokes that a gorilla would rather work at State Farm and own a house than live in the wilderness, then recalls being scolded on a safari for praising the rhino horn trade as good business.
5moments
- Most animals are happy being domesticated, not wild; many would take jobs if they could.
- If a gorilla could work at State Farm, own a house, and have a wife, he wouldn't want to be in the wilderness.
- Tim was treated coldly on a recent safari when he made a comment about rhino horns being a good business.
- The rhino horn trade is a phenomenal business opportunity at $75,000 per horn, setting aside morality.
- Tim compares rhino horns to fentanyl: both are great businesses objectively, even if you shouldn't do them.
rhino horn businessState Farm
- 3 min
An Exodus crypto wallet sponsor read touting Canada freezing protesters' bank accounts, an impending financial collapse, and pushing listeners to download the app at exodus.com/tim.
6moments
- Tim introduces the trend of crypto companies spending millions on celebrity endorsements and Super Bowl ads while their customer service fails.
- Canada froze financial accounts of people suspected of supporting vaccine mandate protests without requiring proof.
- Tim asks why anyone would trust traditional banking if the government is trying to kill you.
- Inflation is insane, wages aren't rising, and the government keeps printing money to give to the already wealthy.
- If you don't get involved in crypto now, you'll end up living in a slum without clean water or healthy children.
- Tim notes the tour started in September 2020.
- 2 min
Tim reflects on the audio-only tour ending after starting in September 2020 at the Stress Factory, having toured every English-speaking country, and previews returning to the studio next week.
6moments
- Tim's first stand-up in six months was at an outdoor tent club after pandemic shutdowns forced cancellations twice during COVID surges.
- The tour grew into bigger theaters and venues across every major English-speaking country in the world.
- Tim declares the tour over and done—there's nothing left to do, so he's taking a three-day rainforest vacation with the crew to reflect.
- He apologizes to podcast fans who prefer video episodes but explains it's too difficult to film in hotel rooms during touring.
- Back in his studio next week, Tim plans to analyze the funny stories from recent months, including nuclear war threats, Disney World, and Ron DeSantis feuds.
- Tim stipulates upfront that he doesn't want Putin to use a nuclear weapon before sharing his take on the subject.
- 4 min
Boredom With the Ukraine War and Putin's Nuke Threats
#Tim admits he's growing bored with the Ukraine war coverage, jokes that a small tactical nuke would make the story more interesting, and reacts to Putin's statement about counter-strikes and hypersonic missiles.
8moments
- Tim says the Ukraine war has become boring, like COVID, and he's barely going to watch or talk about it anymore.
- If the war doesn't develop a new storyline, a small tactical nuclear weapon would at least make it relevant again—though he's against it happening.
- Putin has warned that outside interference constitutes a strategic threat to Russia, and he's threatened hypersonic missiles that could hit New York City.
- Tim argues that the U.S. military-industrial complex actually wants nuclear war and is deliberately provoking Russia rather than trying to avoid it.
- Reports indicate Putin is undergoing cancer operations for abdominal cancer and Parkinson's disease.
- The narrative that Ukraine is a beacon of tolerance like San Francisco is false—Tim recounts a story about a Ukrainian woman whose brothers would beat up Black people they saw.
- Neither Russia nor Ukraine can claim to be a bastion of tolerance; Tim emphasizes he's just against war in general.
- Tim concludes that his main feeling about the conflict is boredom.
Vladimir PutinUkraineBoris JohnsonNancy PelosiVolodymyr ZelenskyyWe wish them well
- 4 min
Tim reacts to news that Putin is undergoing cancer treatment and reportedly has Parkinson's, speculates about a successor named Nikolai, and riffs on the Ukraine not being a tolerance utopia based on an anecdote about a Ukrainian ex's brothers.
9moments
- Reports speculate Putin's health deterioration could trigger a change of power to spymaster Patrushev, potentially shifting geopolitical narratives.
- Tim notes Patrushev is worse than Putin and suggests nobody named Nikolai will de-escalate the situation.
- Putin allegedly undergoing cancer treatment while also suffering from Parkinson's, evident in viral videos of him struggling to sit upright.
- Putin will undergo surgery soon and become incapacitated, creating conditions where a coup might occur.
- Tim announces he's done with geopolitics—donated 5,000 Bitcoin and wants to stop concerning himself with global conflicts.
- The American economy's inflation and high interest rates are preventing people from traveling and buying homes, which will eventually collapse on them.
- Tim advocates for buying homes despite the burden of monthly payments and debt you may not enjoy.
- Debt is beautiful and the closest you'll ever get to God—taking on more debt glorifies the debt owed simply for existing.
- Carrying the crushing weight of debt daily is like Sisyphus and represents something important in life.
- 1 min
A straightforward ad read for ExpressVPN, covering phone carrier privacy and encryption, directing listeners to expressvpn.com/timdillon for three months free.
- 2 min
Tim reads an ad for Bespoke Post's Box of Awesome subscription boxes, listing small businesses that supply items like barbecue rubs and knives, and pushes the boxofawesome.com Tim Dillon discount code.
4moments
- Tim loves Bespoke Post because he enjoys giving unique and interesting gifts through their curated boxes.
- Box of Awesome offers collections for every season and lifestyle, from camping gear to barbecue rubs and hot sauces.
- 90 percent of items in each box come from small, up-and-coming brands rather than major corporations.
- The service works well as a recurring gift for someone moving to college or relocating to a new city.
- 4 min
Planning a Budget Vacation Special for the Poor
#Tim previews a planned segment on ten affordable vacation spots for struggling Americans, abandoning a Hamptons pricing joke in favor of real budget destinations, and reminisces about eating imitation crab meat on South Padre Island while watching Project Runway.
8moments
- Tim pitches a summer vacation special for poor people, featuring ten affordable spots they can actually visit.
- Even with horrible lives destroyed by forces you barely understand, poor people should still be able to enjoy summer—swim in a creek, eat a hot dog, watch TV.
- He considered doing a bit about the Hamptons and Nantucket being unaffordable, but decided it was cruel and obvious instead.
- The real plan: scout actual places poor people grew up going, like Port Aransas and South Padre Island, for family trips under twelve hundred dollars.
- South Padre Island has oil factories, needles, and gross brown water in the Gulf of Mexico, but there are tacos and cheap supermarkets.
- Tim describes the vacation hack: buy imitation crab meat at the supermarket, boil it with butter at your hotel, and dip it while watching Project Runway.
- His mother loved Tim Gunn on Project Runway in the mid-2000s, calling him a Nazi, and he was phenomenal.
- There are all kinds of areas for people who are struggling, but we don't remember them anymore.
Tim GunnHeidi KlumNikki GlaserProject Runway
- 10 min
Prank Calling the Hilton Port Moresby
#Tim proposes Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea as a budget vacation spot despite its extreme crime statistics, then actually calls the Hilton Port Moresby to ask about safety, machetes, and whether guests can survive by never leaving the hotel.
10moments
- Tim pitches Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea as an affordable tropical destination despite 80% of women experiencing sexual assault and frequent bush knife attacks.
- He refuses to focus on negatives when discussing crime statistics, arguing the destination gets cheap once you arrive.
- Getting robbed during a vacation could actually be a fun story to tell later rather than ruin the entire trip.
- Staying at the Hilton Port Moresby and keeping to yourself makes the 84 per 1000 violent crime rate not so bad.
- Tim calls the Hilton Port Moresby to book a family trip to the most violent city on Earth.
- The hotel receptionist confirms Port Moresby is dangerous and advises guests not to leave the hotel.
- The hotel offers in-room dining and a complimentary shuttle to the mall as the main attractions.
- The receptionist explains they use Comfort taxis with tracked plate numbers for trips to attractions like the Botanical Garden.
- Tim says he's sold on the destination because the hotel has guards and 24-hour room service.
- He asks if the hotel will provide guests with machetes to defend themselves against attackers on the street.
Port MoresbyPapua New GuineaHilton Port Moresby
- 3 min
Padre Island vs. Port Moresby, and Cheating in Delaware
#Tim compares the CGI-looking Hilton Port Moresby favorably to motels on Padre Island, then riffs on Delaware beach towns being a good place to cheat on your wife with a college girl, before briefly mentioning his podcast with Alec Baldwin's reception.
5moments
- Port Moresby sounds lovely based on hotel photos, but you can't leave and they arrange taxis to take you to your murder.
- Tim argues for being realistic about vacations since no one actually goes to Anguilla—you have to accept certain things in Port Moresby.
- Tim claims he'd take his family to Port Moresby over Padre Island, where motels line the beach.
- Delaware is nice because it has beaches, college kids, and you can cheat on your wife while she feeds your fat kids clams.
- You could give a college girl a thousand dollars to sleep with you in Delaware.
Port MoresbyDelawarePadre IslandAnguilla
- 2 min
An ad read for Onnit's Alpha Brain nootropic supplement, describing its cognitive benefits and money-back guarantee, directing listeners to onnit.com/tim.
4moments
- Alpha Brain is a nootropic supplement that promotes cognitive function including memory, mental speed, and focus.
- Joe Rogan says Alpha Brain helps him form better sentences when talking.
- Alpha Brain is caffeine-free and comes with a money-back guarantee if you don't like it after two weeks.
- Tim endorses Alpha Brain as the reason he's smart on the show.
- 2 min
An ad read for Vincero Collective watches, highlighting the Argo automatic dive watch and offering a discount code at vincerocollective.com/timdillon.
2moments
- Everyone has to become a watch guy, watch gal, or watch non-binary person now.
- Vincero just released the Argo automatic, a collector-quality dive watch.
Vincero Collective
- 6 min
Private Plane Fears and Fake Survival Statistics
#Tim and Ben discuss fear of the upcoming private plane flight into the rainforest, list off the dangerous local wildlife like funnel web spiders and box jellyfish, and Tim cites a made-up statistic about surviving plane crashes before admitting it's false.
10moments
- Tim admits he's scared of private planes and read statistics about them this morning.
- Reading statistics will only make you paranoid—better to ignore the data entirely.
- The ocean sucked them out to sea, which proves nature owns nothing and has no market cap.
- Real fear is about nurture, not nature—Anti-Venom exists so rainforest animals aren't actually dangerous.
- Listing all the deadly creatures in the Daintree: box jellyfish, blue-ringed octopus, stone fish, crocodiles, snakes, spiders.
- Isn't the real danger inequality—would the blue-ringed octopus be nearly as dangerous if it could work?
- Nature doesn't like winners, and humans have won, so nature is always trying to kill successful people.
- Assurance about the private plane: there's a 50 percent chance they'll be okay with a drunk Australian pilot.
- If fate brings them down in a crash in the Australian Outback, that's just their fate and not a big deal.
- The 95 percent survival rate statistic for plane malfunctions is completely made up and never heard before.
- 8 min
Humanity's Dominance Over Nature Closing Speech
#Tim delivers an extended riff declaring humanity has conquered nature through cities, gambling, Elon Musk, and civilization's chaos, urging Ben to fear people and boredom rather than animals, and closes by suggesting Putin should launch a nuclear war to remind the world humanity is 'the boss.'
10moments
- Tim compares human dominance to animal threat, claiming white Americans are deadlier than any creature.
- Humanity's achievements include nuclear weapons, Amy Schumer, Ukrainian flags in Texas, and secret societies.
- Tim lists human atrocities—gangs, corruption, pedophile priests, private prisons, organ harvesting—as proof of human superiority.
- Every natural thing in the rainforest would look better with Four Seasons Resorts and amusement parks.
- Nature has done nothing for 180 million years; nothing is more boring than unmodified life.
- Tim advocates approaching nature with the confidence of a white man abroad, not respect.
- Animals can only hurt you in your mind; real threats are people and boredom.
- Vladimir Putin should launch a nuclear strike to remind the world that humanity still dominates the planet.
- Statistically, you're more likely to be killed by anything other than a shark or blue ringed octopus.
- High-end resorts represent humanity's success at colonizing nature and selling it back to us.
Vladimir PutinAmy SchumerWhitney CummingsElon MuskPort MoresbyDave PortnoySam Talent
- 1 min
Tim wraps the episode wishing everyone good luck.
1moment
- Tim signs off with "good luck everyone"