Episode 70 · The GaS Digital / Ray Kump Era
Floating Buffet (with Ralph Sutton)
with Ralph Sutton
Nov 13, 2017 · 1:00:06 · 14 segments, 111 moments indexed
- 1 min
Opening music and show announcement.
1moment
- 0:03Show intro: Tim Dillon Is Going To Hell with Tim Dillon and Ray Kump
- 1 min
Ray Kump's Fake Death and the Impractical Jokers Cruise Intro
#Tim jokes that Ray Kump died in a mass shooting and won't be on, then pivots to praising the Impractical Jokers and Sal for their devoted fanbase after just returning from their cruise.
3moments
- 0:33Ray Kump shot up a church in Texas and took his own life, which Tim describes as tragic but not altogether unexpected.
- 0:46Tim suggests Googling the picture of the actual perpetrator to compare with Ray Kump.
- 1:08Tim just got back from a four-day Impractical Jokers cruise with other comics.
- 5 min
Cruise People Should Be Incinerated
#Tim launches into a rant about cruise culture, comparing the Impractical Jokers cruise to Ralph's Shiprocked and Motorhead cruises, riffing on obese passengers on motor scooters, smoking in the casino, the 24-hour buffet, slave-labor Filipino crew, and a woman getting a Jagermeister-branded splint after falling down the stairs.
10moments
- 2:05Tim says cruise ship passengers should be incinerated, describing them as human garbage.
- 2:30Ralph breaks down his experience across multiple themed cruises, including motorhead and family voyages.
- 2:55Ship Rock ran out of vodka by day two or three, forcing passengers to switch to tequila.
- 3:32Obese passengers on motorized scooters drove directly from the gangway to the all-you-can-eat buffet.
- 3:54Smoking is permitted inside the casino to keep patrons at the tables instead of going outside.
- 4:35Tim observes that cruise passengers spend almost no time outside or near the water they're floating on.
- 4:53Yannis Pappas points out that a cruise is just a floating Atlantic City with no actual purpose to being on a boat.
- 5:15Cruise ship workers are primarily from the Philippines, work nine months a year, and are subject to strict customer interaction restrictions.
- 5:36Staff quarters include a hidden bar where isolated crew members socialize intensely after months at sea.
- 6:04An obese passenger fell down the stairs, received medical treatment, and resumed heavy drinking the next day with an ankle splint.
- 6 min
Costa Maya, the Fake Port Town, and Onboard TV Channels
#They describe the sad, staged port town of Costa Maya, the terrible frozen buffet food, the limited onboard TV channels (looping Impractical Jokers movie, Airplane, Fox News/CNN, bow cam), and Tim's walk through an impoverished village while filming.
10moments
- 6:43Costa Maya is a fake town in Mexico that cruise lines built on a sandbar, just Disney-style shops selling trinkets and diamonds.
- 7:18The cruise ship had limited TV channels—one playing an Impractical Jokers movie on loop, another playing Airplane on loop, Fox News, CNN, and a bow camera.
- 7:52The boat has no Wi-Fi so you can't text anyone, but you can watch Fox and CNN the entire time.
- 8:23Shiprock is a heavy music cruise with 15 bands on a five-day boat, now sells out 4,000 people every year.
- 8:47Regular cruise passengers complained so much about the tattooed rocker people that cruise lines were comping cabins to get them off the boat.
- 9:21The amps on the deck stage were so loud during Seven Dust that they fell over from the boat rocking.
- 9:41You're in the buffet line with members of Corn and Deftones and POD while trying to eat.
- 10:27Tim argues cruise lines dock in the poorest Mexican port cities and send overweight American tourists to buy magnets and insult local food.
- 11:00The cruise ship desserts were so bad that he and other comedians tasted them together just to laugh at how inedible they were.
- 11:43Tim walked through actual poverty in Costa Maya—huts, people without shoes, roosters—while resorts normally hide that reality from tourists.
Costa MayaShipRockedCarnival Cruise LineNorwegian Cruise LineRoyal CaribbeanImpractical JokersCNNFox News+1 more
- 4 min
Cruise Jail, People Falling Overboard, and the Shitting Incident
#Ralph and Tim discuss the ship's brig for misbehaving passengers, people left behind in Mexico, a husband suspected of pushing his wife overboard for insurance money, and a man who defecated all over the hallway near Tim's cabin on the last night.
10moments
- 12:40Shiprock cruise returns every year with fewer people than it started—people get left behind after getting too drunk or trying to smuggle drugs back from Mexico.
- 13:05There's an actual brig on the boat where passengers who cause trouble get locked up for the entire cruise.
- 13:29Working in the ship jail is the fallback job for crew members the management doesn't trust with other responsibilities.
- 14:04Tim doesn't understand why people pay to go on cruises just to be near celebrities like Edie Falco when they could do the same activities on land.
- 14:56Five days is the ideal cruise length; anything longer and by the final day you're miserable and ready to leave.
- 15:26Cruise passengers spend the entire time eating, gambling, and watching shows—all things they could do without being on a boat.
- 15:44Tim worries about the medical facilities on cruises, suspecting the doctors aren't American and may not be legitimate.
- 16:13Despite his concerns, Tim admits Shiprock is one of his favorite things to do every year.
- 16:29Last Shiprock, Tim woke up at four in the morning to the smell of shit in the hallway from a passenger who had an accident in his cabin.
- 16:43Crew members had no idea what to do about the passenger shitting all over the hall and his cabin on the final night.
ShiprockThe SopranosEdie Falco
- 5 min
Shiprocked Culture: Bands, Rocking Amps, and Falling Off the Boat
#They riff on Shiprocked's metal bands (Sevendust, Papa Roach, Corn, Limp Bizkit), the physical rocking of the boat, the protocol for someone falling overboard, and cruise-obsessed passengers with strong opinions about Carnival vs other lines.
11moments
- 17:29Tim describes the dark thought of jumping off the boat in the middle of the night while looking at the blackness of the ocean.
- 17:41If you fall off at night, you're done—there's no rescue protocol that works in darkness.
- 18:04A ship security guard told Tim about a husband and wife case where the wife disappeared, she was heavily insured, and the husband had a domestic violence record.
- 18:47People who work on boats commit suicide all the time, which Tim finds shocking given how often it would happen.
- 19:13Tim was assigned a steerage cabin with a porthole on the fifth floor while Bird Crusher had a suite with a living room, balcony, and ocean-view bathtub.
- 19:26The boat was actually rocking so much that Tim climbed the walls and became anxious in his tiny cabin.
- 19:57There are dedicated cruise people who travel frequently and have strong opinions about different cruise lines, with one woman warning another against Carnival.
- 20:26Tim describes cruise boats as dumps where the staff-to-passenger ratio is one-to-one or one-to-two, unlike luxury lines with a four-to-one ratio.
- 21:19A massive cruise ship has Broadway shows, water parks, and 24-hour buffets—Tim questions why anyone would want all that while trapped on a boat in the middle of the ocean.
- 22:09A rock band on the cruise jumped off their cabin into the water just to see what would happen, which Tim suspects might have been a suicide attempt.
- 22:21Tim and his group never expected to end up on a cruise, especially opening for Papa Roach.
cruise shipsPapa RoachRoyal CaribbeanKiss Cruise
- 7 min
Every Fandom Gets a Cruise (Iron Maiden, Sex Cruise, Groove Cruise)
#Tim jokes about niche theme cruises for every fandom -- Walking Dead, Stranger Things, a swingers cruise needing special cleaning crews -- and reflects on America's excess and decline as embodied by cruise culture.
10moments
- 22:23Paramore has a cruise called Parahoy; Tim pitched an Iron Maiden cruise concept called the Iron Maiden Voyage.
- 22:46Tim was asked to host a swingers cruise but it fell through; the boat needed a separate cleaning crew to get approved after the event.
- 23:29Costa Maya has no actual fish and is a fake town Royal Caribbean built using Mexican labor to sell overpriced items to tourists from Ohio.
- 23:51Cruise ships have a diamond channel that prepares passengers for shore excursions, and there's apparently a whole diamond and cruise industry.
- 24:24Tim brought his friend Michelle on the Impractical Jokers cruise; he describes her as genuinely a bad person who behaves like an animal in day-to-day life.
- 25:22Michelle's aggressive behavior toward service workers actually gets results—she gets what she wants faster than polite people because staff want her gone.
- 26:18On a standby JetBlue flight, Michelle bullied a flight attendant about temperature control until the heat came back on.
- 27:12Tim's uncle, a major New York restaurateur, says customers who complain and get service right will return, unlike silent unhappy customers who disappear.
- 27:52The staff at a high-end Manhattan restaurant hated Tim's complaining friend even though the friend raved about being treated well there.
- 28:34The value of traveling with someone like Michelle is that her lack of empathy gets early hotel check-ins and other perks polite people never obtain.
MichelleIron MaidenRoyal CaribbeanImpractical JokersCosta MayaParamoreNorwegian PearlWalking Dead+1 more
- 10 min
Michelle the Cruise Tyrant
#Tim tells an extended story about his friend Michelle, a wealthy but empathy-free woman who screams at service workers to get her way, including a JetBlue flight attendant meltdown and a Don Julio ordering standoff on the cruise with a Filipino bartender.
13moments
- 29:53Tim describes confronting an app developer, trying to be nice but firm about unmet contractual obligations.
- 30:23Michelle complains about homeless people in New Orleans, then starts interrupting restaurant staff with demands.
- 31:05Tim argues that truly wealthy people don't act like this because they avoid economy travel and service situations.
- 31:56Michelle has enough money to know how things should work but not enough to bypass the system or fly first class.
- 33:02She grew up very wealthy and never worked service jobs, so she lacks empathy for workers.
- 33:25Tim explains how Michelle prevented Chuck Zito from coming to punch him in the face over a failed podcast deal.
- 33:54Chuck Zito recorded two episodes back-to-back, then quit after Gas Digital spent thousands on contracts and graphics.
- 34:54Michelle's friend group includes Kevin Dillon, the Star Trek showrunner, Chuck Zito, and the head of the Dr. Phil empire.
- 36:14On her first cruise, Michelle ordered a Don Julio on the rocks with an aggressive warning that she'd send it back if wrong.
- 36:49Her American Express was declined due to a fraud alert, a common occurrence on cruises, trapping her on the boat.
- 37:22At disembarkation, Michelle's card was denied while Tim was cleared; she told him to leave without her.
- 38:14Tim brought a girl on a cruise who ditched him by day two for another passenger and ran up bar charges in his room.
- 39:16The girl owed $700 in alcohol charges and couldn't leave the boat; she ended up on a payment plan for two years.
Chuck ZitoHell's AngelsThe DoctorsKevin DillonStar Trek
- 6 min
Michelle Gets Stuck on the Boat Over Alcohol Charges
#Tim describes leaving Michelle behind after cutting her off his room charge, only for her Amex to get frozen and her to be detained on the boat over a $700 bar tab, leading to a screaming meltdown and a two-year payment plan.
12moments
- 40:03Michelle fake cries about wanting to go home to her children after being stuck on the boat.
- 40:36Tim skips the early group photo because he has a breakfast reservation at Brennan's at 9:15 AM.
- 41:34Tim felt mortified watching cruise ship passengers and concluded America is past peak as a superpower.
- 41:47Seeing people on cruises who are 400 pounds, smoking, and eating strikes Tim as a sign of civilizational decline.
- 42:22He argues people should keep their addictions and compulsions private rather than celebrating them on a boat.
- 42:48Groove Cruise, an EDM cruise, books artists like Kiss One Odez and runs with a full ship of partiers.
- 43:16The cruise hired 20 EDM dancers to stay and party until 5 AM after the original event ended.
- 43:54Tim describes the cruise as an accurate picture of American excess, gambling, and constant activity to avoid self-reflection.
- 44:24The boat functions like Yonkers Raceway casino in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean—eating, smoking, no one goes outside.
- 44:55Hosting Sturgis Rally taught Tim the term "second dinner," where people eat again at nine after dining at six or seven.
- 45:24A joker captain coming on the loudspeaker thrilled the cabin next to him, showing how easily cruise passengers are entertained.
- 45:35Tim says he's a different person and finds the whole cruise concept bewildering.
cruise shipsNew OrleansYonkers RacewayRoyal CaribbeanSturgis RallyGroove CruiseFred Durst
- 5 min
Ralph tells the story of Chuck Zito nearly coming to beat him up over a contract dispute email, plus a tangent about Michelle's oddball celebrity friend group including Kevin Dillon and a Dr. Phil-adjacent Emmy winner from The Doctors.
10moments
- 45:42Tim reflects on never being someone who pursues meeting celebrities or idols, preferring to maintain distance from people he respects.
- 46:06Meeting your idols is never a good idea — Tim cites the common wisdom and explains why awkward conversations with famous people are inevitable.
- 46:26Finn Wolfhard from Stranger Things walked into a hotel without stopping for fan photos, and people shot on him for it.
- 46:40Stephen Colbert refused to take a photo with Tim's friend in an elevator, saying he was on his way to work.
- 47:27Tim's uncle said trading a great story about hanging out with Stevie Nicks for a photograph was a bad deal — you lost the narrative for a picture.
- 47:58Comics who grab actors and post about them being at the venue behave badly and deserve criticism for that kind of behavior.
- 48:20As a podcast host, Tim thinks taking pictures with guests is good for the show and brand-building, but wouldn't do it if he wasn't in entertainment.
- 48:52Stephen Colbert probably gets asked for 2,000 pictures a day on average, so at some point he has to stop.
- 49:20Tim would drop someone as a friend immediately if they invited him on a cruise, labeling that as a dealbreaker.
- 50:13Shannon loves taking pictures with her favorite singer Amos Lee, which Tim sees as stalker behavior.
Finn WolfhardStephen ColbertStevie NicksAmos LeeJeanine PirroLorena BobbittO.J. Simpson
- 2 min
Taking Pictures With Celebrities Is Psychotic
#Tim argues that asking celebrities for photos is a modern autograph and a form of psychotic, pathetic behavior, citing examples like a friend's Janine Pirro selfie and his brother angling a photo to sneak in Paul McCartney.
6moments
- 51:18Tim's guest has a story about meeting a favorite artist multiple times, including an encounter where he was screaming and getting kicked off a bus.
- 51:40Tim took a photo with a top realtor named Dolly Lenz and hopped off his tour bus to do it, finding it funny that nobody else was taking pictures with her.
- 51:56Tim invokes Christopher Hitchens on celebrity obsession and rotten culture, questioning what people get out of taking photos with famous people.
- 52:20People make celebrity photos their Facebook profile pictures—like standing next to Pitbull at the airport or a reality star, then posting it on Instagram for attention.
- 52:39Tim's brother couldn't just take a photo of Paul McCartney at a restaurant, so he took a selfie angled to get McCartney in the background instead.
- 52:59As a single man, posting a picture with someone a woman is obsessed with opens lines of communication and gets attention.
Bethenny FrankelChristopher HitchensPaul McCartney
- 4 min
Meeting Your Idols Ruins the Story
#Tim and Ralph debate when it's appropriate to approach a celebrity, discussing Stevie Nicks, John Stewart looking miserable for a photo, Daniel Cormier at UFC 217, and how meeting idols in person is always a letdown, referencing Sebastian Bach's point about rock stars losing their mystique.
9moments
- 53:24Tim regrets meeting people he respected, discovering they disappoint in person.
- 53:36He wouldn't want a photo with Trump and currently has no celebrity he'd need a picture with.
- 54:04Chasing down a celebrity in public for a forced photo makes you look like a loser.
- 55:10A roommate took a picture with John Stewart outside the Cellar; Stewart looked miserable.
- 55:56Tim was on a boat with thousands of people and got a few photos taken with him, which felt right.
- 56:22The setting matters—backstage at a concert after a show is different from accosting someone at a restaurant.
- 56:46He's made real friends from the podcast who started as listeners.
- 57:07People believe the bullshit that celebrities are who they are in movies and TV, then meet them and it's always a letdown.
- 57:29Rock stars used to be larger than life with no Twitter, Instagram, or backstage access to ruin the mystique.
Russ BakerJohn StewartBruce SpringsteenDaniel CormierPublic HotelSebastian BachDonald TrumpStevie Nicks
- 1 min
Reflecting on Ray's Absence and Mass Shooting Anxiety
#Tim and Ralph return to the joke about Ray's supposed shooting, with Tim admitting he texts Ray after every mass shooting to make sure it isn't him, given how plausible it would be.
2moments
- 57:59Tim explains Ray's unexplained absence in Texas and the awkward network situation it creates.
- 58:19Tim texts Ray after every mass shooting to confirm it wasn't him, worried about the association.
- 1 min
Ralph plugs the sold-out Shiprocked cruise and explains the new free SD streaming option for Gas Digital Network, along with archive highlights like the John Kiriakou and Russ Baker interviews.
4moments
- 59:09The SDR Show airs live Monday nights on Guess Digital Network.
- 59:19Free standard-definition stream now available without subscription at guessdigitalnetwork.com—no credit card needed, just name and password, website only.
- 59:42Subscription grants high-definition video and access to archives from a year and a half of shows.
- 59:53Most downloaded episode: interview with John Kuriakka, a CIA agent, recently re-released.
Guess Digital NetworkJohn KuriakkaRuss Baker